| jploveparade |
There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they`re in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.
So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.
He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.
He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.
The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy`s room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"
:D :D :D
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A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer
wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if
she
got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job,
I'm
already working on a murder case!"
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A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick
up a few items. She headed for the express line
where the clerk was talking on the phone with
his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could
you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second,
looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not
bad."
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An old blacksmith realized he was soon going
to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong
young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow
was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot
of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever
I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out
of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the
hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head,
hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
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A car breaks down along the highway one day,
so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder.
He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and
pulls out two men in long black trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their
coats and start exposing themselves to all the
oncoming traffic. This results in one of the
worst pile-ups.
When the police questioned him why he put two
deviates along the side of the road, the man
replied, "I broke down and was just using my
emergency flashers!"
-----------------------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."
:D :D :D
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This really really old guy is walking on the
beach one day.
He hears a little teenie tiny voice calling
out "Hey Mister ... pssst ... come here."
He looks around and sees a little tiny frog
under a palm tree. He picks it up and it says
"Hey Mister ... if you kiss me, I'll turn into
a beautiful young woman and your wishes will
be my commands forever."
He takes the frog, puts it in his pocket, and
starts to walk back toward home.
The frog says "Hey, what are ya doing? Don't
ya want to kiss me?"
The old man says, "No ... to tell you the truth,
at my age, a talking frog is worth a whole lot
more to me."
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A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on
the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past
three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he
thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you
going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed,
and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at
the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was
drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and
slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down
on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the
baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started
again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help. The right
thing to do would be to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out,
"Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing." |
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