| jploveparade |
A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large
railroad company. The farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing
from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit
against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to
be tried before the Justice of the Peace in the back room of the
General Store.
The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to
settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the
farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle
the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the
young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success.
He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put
one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer
was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went
through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on
the stand."
The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a
little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow
came home this morning!"
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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a
mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he
does a double-take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and
very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy
the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to
catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you
could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me
from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far
this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
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A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and
took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your
predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press
-- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and
the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The
message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly
rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."
--------------------
Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband (he
wouldn't go with her).
"Doctor, My husband has this problem.
Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people
dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."
Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this
confidence: "But you see doctor it is also a problem
for me! Morris sleeps with his mouth open and his little
light keeps me awake!"
---------------------
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A
few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street
with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot
mamma and be cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful."
-----------------
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms, the second no legs, and
the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash"
they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms
takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no
legs is closing fast. The head sank straight
to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs
finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming
from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he
had better dive down to rescue the head guy.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface
and places the head at the side of the pool,
where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and
shouts, "Three goddamn years I've spent learning
to swim with my goddamn ears. Then five seconds
before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming
cap on me." |
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