| jploveparade |
Two Irishmen are the only survivors in a shipwreck.Floating helplessly
in a lifeboat they come across a lamp floating in the ocean. Paddy
reaches out and grabs the lamp and after rubbing it a genie appears.
The genie immediately says "you are granted one wish". Paddy and
Mickey both look at each other in astonishment then Paddy yells "make
the whole ocean into the best tasting beer ever". With the clap of his
hands and a thunderous crash the ocean becomes the finest brew known
to man.With the suds gently lapping against the sides of the
boat,Mickey with an angry roar yells "Oh! Thats great.Now we have to
piss in the boat!"
-----------------
John comes home from holidays and almost immediately has another
confrontation with his neighbour and long time enemy.
Later, inside and unpacking, he finds a bottle he didn't remember
buying. Still it looks good so he gives it polish . . ., and whoosh,
out comes a genie.
"Oh holder of the bottle, I grant thee three wishes; but be warned
that what you wish for is granted doubly to your greatest enemy."
"Well I wish my last girlfriend would come back and be in love with me
again" asks John for his first wish. Hearing his name being called
from the next room tells him she's back. John looks out his window and
sees his neighbour with two women clearly besotted with him.
"For my second wish, I want a big mansion" says John who goes outside
and sees his house has grown into a mansion. The neighbour's house
being a mansion twice as big.
At this stage the genie reminds him that his enemy will still get
double for the third and final wish.
"Then for my third wish, I want . . . I want you to remove one of my
testicles."
----------------
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
-----------------
Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since
Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cursed he should leave a pile of dog in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right ing there beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed in' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog .
Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog by the garage.
When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."
-----------------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband." |
|
|
