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Whatever happened to Postman Pat ? Longish read, but worth it :)
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| ferrycorstenfan |
Pat was rather sad to see the film crew leave. For all those years the BBC had followed him around promoting their 'fly on the wall' documentaries about postmen and women, but the ratings had fallen. The directors decided they could no longer afford to finance it and it was decided that their new documentary would concentrate on people working in airports. Pat was gutted. He was particularly bitter when he heard that top executive pay rises were on the cards after the show was cut. The new 'fly on the wall' documentary was a success and Pat knew it was the end. There was hope when the BBC lost yet another sporting event, the cricket, to channel four, but still no money became available. Mrs. Goggins, like many others in the village felt it was a tragedy and considered retiring. The effect on society was enormous. Would Greendale ever be the same again?
Despite the changes in the village, Pat's job, for a few years anyway, was like it was before. He continued to serve his community and he even got short listed for a promotion. Sadly a young graduate beat him to the post but Pat didn't care. He gave up wearing his glasses and discovered contact lenses. It meant he could take part in contact sports now and joined the local soccer side Greendale United. They won their league for the first time in 43 years and Pat received the club man of the year award. Pat thought life was good and felt things were turning out nicely. Plans to revolutionise transport around the area as part of 'The new Britain campaign' meant that Pat was now driving an electric van. There were no more tight country roads with humped backed bridges but dual carriage ways with articulated lorries driving through the village. His time on the rounds was cut dramatically.
However, the new roads posed a problem. Poor Lucy Selby got knocked down at traffic lights on the way to school. It was believed that an animal action group had released thousands of mink into the village and a car hit her trying to avoid hitting the animals.
Pat found things were changing for the worse. He was reprimanded by the Post office for proclaiming to the local children who were firing snowballs during the deep snow, 'Oh, you young monkeys!'. He was told that this was politically incorrect and suggestive. After this incident Pat broke his leg while playing football. It was a horrific injury. The waiting list for an operation on the NHS was a month and so it was many months before he returned to work.
Pat was not the only one in the current climate having a hard time. Ted Glen, a recognised nazi and member of illegal groups such as the Ku Klux Klan was worried about the rise in coloured people in the area and how mixed and diverse the community of Greendale was becoming. His xenophobic nature led him to create many tensions within the community and many people disappeared without trace. The local police refused to recognise the problem. He also objected very strongly to Miss Hubbard who had recently become the first woman priest in the area. Reverend Timms lost his job after it was alleged he had abused children in his care. Ted eventually took early retirement due to repetitive strain injury incurred from mending the water pump on a regular basis.
Peter Fogg found his livelihood threatened. The year before Peter decided that growing genetically altered crops would produce a better yield and increase profits. Sadly he became a victim of abuse and groups such as Friends of the Earth kept protesting outside his house and he was forced to flee. It was learned Monsanto had paid to house him in the local B&B on a temporary basis with police protection.
George Lancaster was another. He gave up his former job to become a safety inspector in the newly built nuclear power station. Unfortunately, after numerous near meltdowns due to the millennium bug, the new evolution of fish in the local radioactive stream and the increase in cancer in new born babies, he decided he was not cut out for the job and returned to the farm to raise award winning chickens.
Despite the hardships endured by the community, not everyone was worse off. Granny Dryden discovered the wonder of liposuction and plastic surgery. She left the village to go to California after being offered a small part in a low budget porn movie. The film later appeared in the local video store and little Charlie Pringle saw it despite being many years under age. He began to watch violent films too and went off the rails. It was a down hill trend. He gave up wearing his bow tie in the street and was seen wearing an Adidas jacket and Kappa trousers. He was blamed for starting a new fashion trend in the village. He was last seen driving round and round the village in a yellow Nova which he apparently stole from the nearest town of Pencaster. Recently he was jailed for bank robbery and burglary.
Pat meanwhile was in more bother. Many years back he accused a local hen of stealing his car keys (Postman Pat And The Mystery Thief). The farmer who owned the hen decided he would take Pat to court. It took all those years for the jury to come to a satisfactory decision (using tax payers money) and ruled Pat was in the wrong. Pat lost his hard working and honest reputation as he wrongfully accused the poor hen without adequate evidence to support his claim. He was forced to give compensation to the farmer to pay for the hen to be counselled so it would receive emotional support on a ongoing basis. To make matters worse the story got to the press and he appeared not only in the local Pencaster Gazette but also in The Sun and was ridiculed. What was the world coming to he thought.
Pat then turned to drink...
It was never a problem before when his local pub was only open till eleven but new licensing laws were introduced and he spent more time there than he did at home. He also started to drink on the job as shown below in the Post Office. Pat was lonely. He didn't even have Jess to accompany him on his rounds. The post office released a statement to him saying, 'With the recent anxiety in the public domain concerning widespread infection through disease passed on from animals, we think it best that animals of any kind should be prevented from entering the postal van or coming into contact with letters or parcels to minimise the possible risk of cross infection and risking the local community leading to a nation wide epidemic'. Jess was becoming a problem. He could no longer accompany Pat on the rounds and Pat's drinking habit meant he had less money to spend on food for the cat. Pat was told by the vet that Jess needed more quality food and he shouldn't feed him rabbit pie (Jess's favourite dish) as it didn't contain the RDA of essential vitamins.
Pat had to talk to someone and continued to have tea with Mrs. Thompson. It turned into an affair and Mrs. Thompson considered moving in with Pat. Sadly for Pat, Mrs. Thompson felt she couldn't leave her husband Alf, but things didn't end there. It turned out that Mrs. Thompson was pregnant. Pat was forced to pay maintenance once the child was born.
Pat was broke. His union recommended he took industrial action over plans for pay cuts but Pat couldn't afford to. He lost his membership and lost his pension. The final straw came when Mrs. Goggins was sacked in the post office and replaced by an automated parcel wrapper. He heard that his van would be equipped with a satellite navigation system and so there would be no need for a driver. It was rumoured that the design for the van evolved from Ted Glen and he had made millions. Pat couldn't take it anymore. He thought Ted was his friend! The job he once knew had changed too much. He no longer knew his role. Eventually letter mail was abolished due to the vast exchange of information by optical communication. He quit his beloved job. Who would pay the bills now? Without a job he had nothing. How could he fund his drink habit?
Pat signed on the dole and he was offered help. A new government run work help scheme ('The New Deal') put Pat on a local building site but he failed to grasp the technique of layering bricks thus leading to four years of unemployment on the streets. His house was repossessed and Jess had run away. He kept himself going by begging outside the now disused post office and the newly built state of the art hospital built by the government due to a recent and overdue injection of cash into the health service. He also dealed in black market goods that were in demand such as Viagra and pirated Playstation games. This provided him with enough food and drink to survive.
However, new proposals were brought in by the government about immigrants which meant Greendale became a safe haven and there were more people on the streets, thus Pat's takings from begging decreased.
Alas Pat turns to racketeering and got involved in paramilitary style beatings. He got caught on CCTV running away from a crime scene and in the end was convicted for assault and other crimes. He went down for life. In prison he became a victim of intimidation due to his paramilitary links and became clinically depressed. The Prosac helped him through the first year but things got worse. His closest friend who belonged to a paramilitary organisation was shot while in prison. Prosac was no longer available to him due to its harmful effects on the heart and he turned to soft drugs. Pat eventually died of a rather tragic heroin addiction.......
Well, that is the story of Postman pat and his struggle to survive life in Greendale. You will never think of Pat as a local postman again but a victim of bad luck, social changes, advances in technology and a victim of government ignorance. |
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| Maaz |
What a sad story :sadgreen:
:stongue:
My god... who came up with such thing? |
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| Spad |
LMFAO!!!
That was quality. Did you write that? |
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| ferrycorstenfan |
| quote: | Originally posted by Spad
LMFAO!!!
That was quality. Did you write that? |
Nah, Props have to go to www.postmanpat.org.uk or something like that, thought it was really funny tho, unfortunately for ppl who worshipped him as a kid, it kinda wipes the fun off it all :p |
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| DJ Fundamental |
I can't believe I actually read that ...
| quote: | | Granny Dryden discovered the wonder of liposuction and plastic surgery. She left the village to go to California after being offered a small part in a low budget porn movie. The film later appeared in the local video store and little Charlie Pringle saw it despite being many years under age. He began to watch violent films too and went off the rails. It was a down hill trend. He gave up wearing his bow tie in the street and was seen wearing an Adidas jacket and Kappa trousers. |
Hahahaha!! |
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| Philby |
| poor old postman pat... :( |
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| theb |
Jess got ran over by Pat didnt she ?
"postman pat, postman pat, postman pat ran over his cat,
all the guts were flying,
pat was nearly crying..."
etc. |
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