Sagittarius Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

You're about to be tested on something you should already know. When the officer asks for your license, don't say something stupid like "I left it at the bar" again. Remember the new 3 strikes law? You fucking lush.


Capricorn Dec. 21 - Jan. 20

A friend's great scheme to make a million still has a few rough spots. You might not know about a few details, especially the ones about shoveling two kilos of cocaine up your ass. You know the gig is up when you hear the words "Cavity Search!! Go to the elbow!"


Aquarius Jan. 20 - Feb. 19

The other person is having trouble hearing you. Be patient. If that doesn't work, run over their ass with your 88 Crown Vic. That's what they get for jogging with a Walkman on.


Pisces Feb. 19 - March 20

Travel's not a good idea, especially overseas. Americans are great commodities in the Middle East. Hopefully, you will die for Allah for standing in the wrong place at the right time. Trust me you won't be missed.


Aries March 20- April 19

The Sun is in Scorpio- again. A team effort could run into difficulties, soon. You haven't budgeted enough for all the expenses. So when your get-away driver requests 25% instead of 15, I suggest you give it to him. You cheap ass white bastard!


Taurus April 19 - May 20

You may be carrying more than your share of the burden. That's what it feels like, anyway. Maybe you ought to release your iron grip on the crack pipe. Trust me your wife/husband has noticed the kitchen appliances disappearing. Can I suggest making extra cash in the little booths at the porno store?


Gemini May. 21 - Jun. 21

Your best time for romance today is early. As the day goes on, you get busier, and the children leave school playgrounds at around 3pm. Don't be late!


Cancer June 21 - July 22

If you want to make a date for tonight, good luck. You couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper. Why don't you sit at home, and jerk-off to Buffy The Vampire Slayer re-runs and pop pimples like usual?


Leo July 22 - Aug. 23

Home is where you'd like to be, snuggled up with a good book. But guess what, you won't be. You'll be doing 15 years for statutory rape, and that's exactly what you deserve. If you treat bubba right, maybe he'll cuddle with you a little bit after he ass rapes you.


Virgo Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Learning a new routine may make your life easier, eventually. Right now, it's just making things more complicated. Don't fight it; just remember: shit, wipe, then flush. You will catch on one day. We fucking hope, you smelly pig.


Libra Sept. 22 - Oct. 22

If you can't decide what to buy, wait. It'll get easier. Your new found friend will tell you 3 tens for 20. How can you pass that up? Anyways you will get home and realize you bought aspirin with ambosol smeared on them. You are the dumbest crack head ever.


Scorpio Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

A slight difference of opinion could escalate into an issue if you're not careful. When the businessman says, "no you can't have my wallet" Just hit him in the face with the butt of your pistol. He will be much more open to suggestion.