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John Cleese (from Monty Python) sends this out to ALL Americans
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| RobbyG. |
>Subject: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE by John Cleese
>
>
>To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
>failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
>yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
>effective today.
>
>Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
>all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
>does not fancy.
>
>Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
>of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
>borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
>elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will
>be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
>are introduced with immediate effect:
>
>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
>look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
>just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
>reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter U'
>is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
>spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
>affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
>will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh'
>is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
>as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
>
>Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
>"vocabulary."
>
>Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
>"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
>communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
>Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
>you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
>then you won't have to use bad language as often.
>
>2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
>your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
>the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
>
>3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
>really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
>upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
>learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
>will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
>regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
>England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it
>Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
>Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>
>4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
>good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
>characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
>will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
>can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
>
>5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
>but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
>confused and give up half way through.
>
>6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of
>football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
>The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
>may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
>longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
>Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
>game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
>(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
>a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
>nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by
>2005.
>
>You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
>called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
>Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,
>your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to
>play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team
>strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
>
>7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
>allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
>peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
>potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
>a vegetable peeler in public.
>
>8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
>national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
>
>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
>good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
>road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
>driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
>metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
>Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
>humour.
>
>10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
>are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
>of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
>aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
>chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in
>animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
>served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
>with customers.
>
>11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
>tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
>doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>
>12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
>at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
>referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance
>will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American
>Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the
>exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
>will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true
>Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
>Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>
>13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you
>will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
>former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
>the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon
>get used to it).
>
>14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
>therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
>you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
>adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
>or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>
>15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
>16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
>ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>
>Thank you for your co-operation |
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| dEsidEL |
lol... i could hear John's Cleese's voice in my head while reading it ..
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| The Highroller |
| John Cleese is a genious! |
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| RobbyG. |
| quote: | Originally posted by dEsidEL
lol... i could hear John's Cleese's voice in my head while reading it ..
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lol:haha: I was doing the same thing:tongue2 |
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| VERTiG0 |
And now for something completely different.
Great little read :) |
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| amb_ |
Old!
(Sorry, couldn't resist :toothless ) |
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| Endlesswave |
| Old but wicked.:D |
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| amb_ |
| quote: | Originally posted by Endlesswave
Old but wicked.:D |
Agreed. |
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| MarkT |
| quote: | Originally posted by dEsidEL
lol... i could hear John's Cleese's voice in my head while reading it ..
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me too :D |
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| RobbyG. |
| quote: | Originally posted by amb_
Old!
(Sorry, couldn't resist :toothless ) |
I've never seen it before....why am I the last to know these things:eyespop: |
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