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please help...or don't (pg. 3)
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| Xenocreator_PG_ |
| quote: | Originally posted by Slylee
i am starting this thread to spare my boyfriend, because i'm sure he is really sick of hearing about all this and he doesn't really give good advice anyway, he's too much of a "guy". lol
i am having a difficult time with something that i'm constantly second guessing myself about, and i would like some advice about my mother. it's kind of long, so if you don't feel like reading it, that's fine, but i would appreciate some serious advice for those who are willing to read this and form an opinion.
ok, so some background info to start..
i consider myself to be a very strong person, but at the same, time i'm very sensitive about certain issues...my mother being one of them. she can make or break my day without even saying a word. she has this control over me and it has really taken its tole on me. she's very negative and never agrees with any decisions i make or supports me. she's the type of parent who will say, "oh well that's great and all honey, but you should really do THIS instead, bla bla bla", and just completely crush my motivation about whatever it was i just told her, you know? i guess i really care about her acceptance and i really want to please her, but it seems like i never do. nothing is good enough for her....how cliche'.
she doesn't like my boyfriend or me living with him either, and i really think it's because she has no control over me right now and i'm not depending on her. i could be wrong though. i think she really does want what's best for me, but the only difference is that she is trying to push what she wants for me for her own selfish reasons..if that makes sense.
so here's my issue...
she recently wrote me this long email out of nowhere a couple weeks ago, and was lecturing me about school and all this that just really threw me off. she was saying stuff like she "can sense that i'm not into school like i was in the beginning", bla bla bla. but i know she just assumed that because when she would call me 3 and 4 times a night (that's literally folks, i'm not exaggerating) and would want to know every ing detail about school and this and that, i would always dismiss the convo and get annoyed. so she was very wrong in her assumption. i actually think i've been kicking ass lately going to school and managing a full time job that i hate, and so on...so i got really pissed that she was second guessing me. i wrote her back and brought up a lot of stuff in a respectful way, but definitely got my point across. i just told her that i'm really sick of her dragging me down and putting in her 2 cents where it isn't needed nor wanted. and i told her that if she continues to not accept my decisions in life and my boyfriend, that she simply won't be a part of it. i told her that she is pushing me further and further away and smothering me. i was just really honest, i wasn't like, "oh u leave me alone!" every point i brought up, i justified with examples. i thought it was a great letter and it was very clear in how i felt.
so of course she writes back and only writes, "ok."
lol
so we haven't spoken since, but my sister has called me twice and was like, "oh my god PLEASE call her, she's driving me nuts"
my mom has been calling her now every night asking, "so have you talked to jamie? what did she say? did she sign up for school? did she call your dad?"
i mean, am i the only one who thinks this is all ridiculous??! i dont like to write people off...especially family members, but i really think that my mother needs counseling. she will never admit this though and she will never change, so until then i refuse to sit there and be phony with her and be worried about what she'll think about every move i make. i'm 23 years old for crying out loud. do you guys think i'm being immature and selfish? i feel like i have really done all that i can do by spilling my guts in that email. she didn't even take it for what it's worth, she instantly got defensive and is mad.
she even emailed me the other day because i had to get my own car insurance (i was on her plan still) and she starts her email off with, "sorry to bug the out of you, but can you please let me know when you are"... bla bla bla i mean how immature is that!? she said that because in my email, i told her that it really annoys me that she calls me 3-4 times in a 2 hour period at night when i'm home trying to relax.
ok i guess that's enough for now. should i just give in and call her and sweep under the rug? |
Holy crap! Your mom needs a boyfriend!!! |
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| Slylee |
word. i have been saying that all along.
she's actually very attractive and smart and independent, but she has a really hard time with people. she hates going to bars and she hates all the single women her age who are gold diggers and pathetic...she doesn't want to be labeled like that. she'd rather stay home and read a book and be with her pets, than go out and try to find "Mr. Right". lol
*edit* i agree w/ the whole, "blood is thicker than water" but only to a certain extent.
we have to grow up at some point and start families and lives of our own. you dont marry your parents! |
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| DjDeComp |
Wow, some really good advice from the TAs... give them a round of applause:D I was gonna give some advice but someone said it already.
Dont worry slylee my mom is the same way plus she is a cleaning freak
:crazy: but I still love her and her lasagna:tongue2 |
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| Vivid Boy |
u ever think maybe just maybe shes very lonely. she doesnt have anyone left in her life cept for her daughters? nuthin left to really live for or really to progress in so she wants to see u progress instead? i dunno a possibility. that seems to be the case with my father. ever since he got ed out of all his money he kinda fell into this rut. he works at a factory come home and watches tv. and thats his life. from a man who used to watch corporations grow that were built from his hands to this.
maybe u should help ur mother out. im tyring to do the same with my father. he may be too old to start doing what he used to do, but he can always teach me.
i say u cut ur mom some slack and help her maybe to cure that l;onliness. i cant tell u how because i dont know her or her style of life. but u should deffinately sit down and think what u can do.
stop being selfish and thinking how its hurting u and help someone else out for a change. |
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| NiteMer |
| quote: | Originally posted by Slylee
i am starting this thread to spare my boyfriend, because i'm sure he is really sick of hearing about all this and he doesn't really give good advice anyway, he's too much of a "guy". lol
i am having a difficult time with something that i'm constantly second guessing myself about, and i would like some advice about my mother. it's kind of long, so if you don't feel like reading it, that's fine, but i would appreciate some serious advice for those who are willing to read this and form an opinion.
ok, so some background info to start..
i consider myself to be a very strong person, but at the same, time i'm very sensitive about certain issues...my mother being one of them. she can make or break my day without even saying a word. she has this control over me and it has really taken its tole on me. she's very negative and never agrees with any decisions i make or supports me. she's the type of parent who will say, "oh well that's great and all honey, but you should really do THIS instead, bla bla bla", and just completely crush my motivation about whatever it was i just told her, you know? i guess i really care about her acceptance and i really want to please her, but it seems like i never do. nothing is good enough for her....how cliche'.
she doesn't like my boyfriend or me living with him either, and i really think it's because she has no control over me right now and i'm not depending on her. i could be wrong though. i think she really does want what's best for me, but the only difference is that she is trying to push what she wants for me for her own selfish reasons..if that makes sense.
so here's my issue...
she recently wrote me this long email out of nowhere a couple weeks ago, and was lecturing me about school and all this that just really threw me off. she was saying stuff like she "can sense that i'm not into school like i was in the beginning", bla bla bla. but i know she just assumed that because when she would call me 3 and 4 times a night (that's literally folks, i'm not exaggerating) and would want to know every ing detail about school and this and that, i would always dismiss the convo and get annoyed. so she was very wrong in her assumption. i actually think i've been kicking ass lately going to school and managing a full time job that i hate, and so on...so i got really pissed that she was second guessing me. i wrote her back and brought up a lot of stuff in a respectful way, but definitely got my point across. i just told her that i'm really sick of her dragging me down and putting in her 2 cents where it isn't needed nor wanted. and i told her that if she continues to not accept my decisions in life and my boyfriend, that she simply won't be a part of it. i told her that she is pushing me further and further away and smothering me. i was just really honest, i wasn't like, "oh u leave me alone!" every point i brought up, i justified with examples. i thought it was a great letter and it was very clear in how i felt.
so of course she writes back and only writes, "ok."
lol
so we haven't spoken since, but my sister has called me twice and was like, "oh my god PLEASE call her, she's driving me nuts"
my mom has been calling her now every night asking, "so have you talked to jamie? what did she say? did she sign up for school? did she call your dad?"
i mean, am i the only one who thinks this is all ridiculous??! i dont like to write people off...especially family members, but i really think that my mother needs counseling. she will never admit this though and she will never change, so until then i refuse to sit there and be phony with her and be worried about what she'll think about every move i make. i'm 23 years old for crying out loud. do you guys think i'm being immature and selfish? i feel like i have really done all that i can do by spilling my guts in that email. she didn't even take it for what it's worth, she instantly got defensive and is mad.
she even emailed me the other day because i had to get my own car insurance (i was on her plan still) and she starts her email off with, "sorry to bug the out of you, but can you please let me know when you are"... bla bla bla i mean how immature is that!? she said that because in my email, i told her that it really annoys me that she calls me 3-4 times in a 2 hour period at night when i'm home trying to relax.
ok i guess that's enough for now. should i just give in and call her and sweep under the rug? |
I think you should continue to have a relationship with your mother, even though it's annoying as . I deal with the same thing. 4 ing calls in a row, all with messages, the last one usually indicating that she's frustrated that I don't call back, or worried that I'm not doing ok. It makes me want to go postal, but I am working on being more patient. I just ignore her, sometimes, but make sure I get in touch at least every other day or so. I hate calls that don't have any agenda too. She always calls, with no reason at hand. I tell her I'm busy and brush her off a lot, but I really do love and appreciate her anyway. Just try and be patient and don't let it get you down. It's just the way moms are. They worry and want us to reach our pinnacle. They will never stop giving advice. I hate the moral of the stories, but I know they won't stop coming. |
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| Slylee |
| quote: | Originally posted by Vivid Boy
u ever think maybe just maybe shes very lonely. she doesnt have anyone left in her life cept for her daughters? nuthin left to really live for or really to progress in so she wants to see u progress instead? i dunno a possibility. that seems to be the case with my father. ever since he got ed out of all his money he kinda fell into this rut. he works at a factory come home and watches tv. and thats his life. from a man who used to watch corporations grow that were built from his hands to this.
maybe u should help ur mother out. im tyring to do the same with my father. he may be too old to start doing what he used to do, but he can always teach me.
i say u cut ur mom some slack and help her maybe to cure that l;onliness. i cant tell u how because i dont know her or her style of life. but u should deffinately sit down and think what u can do.
stop being selfish and thinking how its hurting u and help someone else out for a change. |
yes, she IS lonely..and i actually think it's selfish on HER part to give her 23 year old daughter so much ing guilt over her own issues. my mother is single by choice. this has been going on forever, i can only take so much. i have to live MY life too, i mean jesus.
i'm not writing her off forever, i just really need a break from her. i think that i needed to put my foot down or else she would continue to dictate my life. i think i'm actually giving her tough love for a change.
i just really don't like when people use the same old like, "oh that's your mother, she loves you" like it's an automatic given that just because she gave birth to me, that makes her a saint and all her intentions good. :rolleyes:
it's like what's his name said. our parents are human and just as ed up as we are. |
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| biznology |
a lot of people here are claiming that 'blood is thicker than water' as a reason to bend and change what you think is right in order to make things better for you and your mom, Jamie...BUT!
thats kinda missing the point. yeah mothers are freaks about what they think their kids should and shouldnt do...but if blood IS thicker than water, you should be able to live your life as you believe right, and they will ALWAYS be there for you.
ive had a fairly standard-to-the-point-of-mediocrity childhood. in many ways that isnt much better as my parents prolly expected the world from me, and look - im graduated from college working my ass off just to pay the rent much less figuring out where the future will lead. i think thats disappointing to them, but they also understand. and the fact i have no debt, very little reliance on them post college so everything is great in their eyes, yet still frustrating to them...
it WAS really funny when i moved back home and currently live about a mile from them, but still see them only rarely. i lived in Michigan AND Sweden during college and honestly heard from them perhaps twice a month at best...now, at home im constantly berated for not eating dinner with them and hanging out. the very *same* parents that caused me to move out when i came back, even though i didnt have work yet or anything. they(my dad) were considering having me pay for rent and their food, and now they wanna give that out for free.
its ing strange, but everyday i notice becoming more and more like them...which is prolly the reason for everyones parental confusions.
in a comparable situation, my dad and sister bitch at each other until they are blue in the face...why? well they have chosed drastically different paths in life, but they are so like one another in almost every regard it pisses them of subconsciously. who leaves the music or tv on when they leave the room at home? either my dad or sister...and who bitches at the other for doing it? the same two...heh|
colin |
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| Arbiter |
Your mother has problems, that is one thing for sure. It's quite simple - either you choose to sacrifice your time and effort to try to help her even though she probably won't appreciate it and will just give you headaches, or you choose to leave her and her problems alone and do the selfish thing and live your life for yourself.
It's a simple decision, really - not easy, but simple.
It has always been my philosophy not to shoulder other people's burdens, be it family, friends, or anyone else. If you do it for them, how will they learn to do it themselves?
But, it's not easy to leave someone you care about in a position where they're stuggling, and it's not always a sure thing they will eventually triumph over their problems.
Neither road you can take will be a smooth one. Which one you believe in is a decision only you can (and should!) make. |
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| igottaknow |
Jamie, I haven't had time to read everyone's advice. So here goes... My mom is kind of the same way very controlling, bossy, and set her ways. First thing you have to understand people are who they are and many can't change. You have to find ways of not reacting to her and redirecting her energies.
The root of the problem is she still hasn't gotten used to the fact you're a grown up adult. She also sounds like she doesn't have an active social life. I take it after she split from your dad she didn't find another partner. She's focusing all her energy on your life to avoid thinking about her own. She needs to join a group, get a job, make friends, or find a partner to balance her life. Maybe if you can encourager her to expand her life things will take care of themselves. |
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| Vivid Boy |
| quote: | Originally posted by Slylee
yes, she IS lonely..and i actually think it's selfish on HER part to give her 23 year old daughter so much ing guilt over her own issues. my mother is single by choice. this has been going on forever, i can only take so much. i have to live MY life too, i mean jesus.
i'm not writing her off forever, i just really need a break from her. i think that i needed to put my foot down or else she would continue to dictate my life. i think i'm actually giving her tough love for a change.
i just really don't like when people use the same old like, "oh that's your mother, she loves you" like it's an automatic given that just because she gave birth to me, that makes her a saint and all her intentions good. :rolleyes:
it's like what's his name said. our parents are human and just as ed up as we are. |
so why u asking for advice? seems like u got ur mind made up |
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| Michael19 |
here my 2 cents worth, probaly crap though, but it i am bored!
your mom sounds like a control freak. But she also seems to be doing it in a good way.
you said you had problems with your stepdad, your mom probaly doesnt want you to make the same mistakes in life so is giving you extra hassle(same with your sister) So i wouldnt be overly cruel on her.
has she ever liked any of your boyfriends? if not then, its probaly because her experience of guys hasnt been bad(stepdad again) so will hate your bf, and all of them if you have any future ones, since shes knows the pain and trouble they can cause.
also, dont ever explain important stuff over an email. its so impersonnal and you can never explain probaly your feeling. you need to at least call, but its so much better in person.
also, i know this sounds bad, but if she died tomorrow how would you feel? i am fairly sure you would be heartbroken, so you should make sure to sort it out and dont ignore her. You never know what you might regret.
best of luck |
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| Floorfiller |
ok here is what i think...i read your posts jamie...but not all of the others so hopefully it won't be redundant...
first,
i think that it's a little wierd that you go to the bar with your mom. don't take that the wrong way...i'm just saying, i think that over time given the troubles in your past for both of you, you two have developed more of a "girlfriends" relationship rather than a mother daughter one. that sort of thing has, as you already said, made your mom somewhat reliant on you and the attention she recieves from you. your moom sees you growing up and moving on with your life as a block in your relationship with her. that is the reason for the obsessive calling and such.
second,
i've seen both sides of a mother daughter relationship that reminds me of yours. my ex girlfriend loved her mom a lot, but sometimes they would do things to drive each other crazy. her mom constantly nitpicked at things she did...and tried to make her feel bad about certain things...namely performance in school...work etc.
having been there through all of it, and then being there when she was in africa...i realized that her mom really did just want the best for her. when she left the country, i'd talk to her mom on the phone every so often and i could tell how worried she was about her...and how depressed she was that she was away...and i'm sure your mom feels similar. your mom is just too proud to admit when she is wrong or to let you know how important you are to her. so i think if you can realize that...then maybe you can live with some of your mom's harsh criticism because it really is just the tough love rob mentioned. just know that she has your best interests at heart.
as for the boyfriend thing...
i'm sure that the reason your mom doesn't like your boyfriend is because of the break up you guys had before you got back together. maybe she saw that time as a really painful time for you and she doesn't want you to get hurt in the same way...i'm sure it doesn't help that she has had some relationship problems of her own it sounds like, so she probably isn't very trusting of the men you date to begin with anyway.
anyway...
i think it's hard on you, but eventually you should probably be the bigger person and take the step towards repairing things. i know you're a strong individual...and it really doesn't sound like your mother shares that trait. you do need to get past taken every little thing she says to heart though. you shouldn't sacrifice your mental health for her, but i think you just need to get to a point where you don't feel the need to please her...just from what i know about you...you sound like you're really doing great these days, and i'm sure she sees some of that...what you allow her to see. so i'm not saying don't ever take your mother's advice...i'm just saying that you shouldn't take everything she says so crushingly serious. |
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