|
60 reasons why Chuck Norris is a badass! (pg. 4)
|
View this Thread in Original format
| LeopoldStotch |
chuck norris for the win ...
even though "walker texas ranger" looked very badly staged, i still love the guy ..
i still remember chuck norris's appearances in the movie "sidekicks" with jonathan brandis (r.i.p.) ... funny movie, like the karate kid, but quite didn't live up to ralph macchio ... ralph gets beat up more .. hahahaha |
|
|
| Mebot |
| quote: | Originally posted by kadomony
Chuck Norris is wwu.punisher's big surprise. |
haha :p |
|
|
| medinaM5 |
| chuck norris is lactose intolerant, but still pounds gallons of milk to the face so he can get his calcium |
|
|
| Protege |
| quote: | Originally posted by getfoul
they were funnier with vin diesel. Maybe the vin ones came second, but they were funnier. |
I think my fav of them was 'Vin Diesel has a hat made entirely out of ham':stongue:
Edit: Found it |
|
|
| Rebel Brown |
NONE of the Vin Diesel ones are funny.
Seen all the chuck ones before though, I'm from the future. |
|
|
| getfoul |
| There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. you, team. |
|
|
| Mebot |
| quote: | Originally posted by getfoul
There is no "I" in team. |
Yes but there is an "M" and an "E". |
|
|
| XoxidE |
| chuck norris went to my school once when i was in middle school, but he went to like talk to us about boring political stuff, he came with like a guy who was running for like governer or something...it was pretty boring...but at least i got to see him ftw!!! |
|
|
| Ripped Bag |
| quote: | Originally posted by XoxidE
chuck norris went to my school once when i was in middle school, but he went to like talk to us about boring political stuff, he came with like a guy who was running for like governer or something...it was pretty boring...but at least i got to see him ftw!!! |
George Bush came to my middle school when he was governer. |
|
|
| RapidFire |
| quote: | Originally posted by XoxidE
chuck norris went to my school once when i was in middle school, but he went to like talk to us about boring political stuff, he came with like a guy who was running for like governer or something...it was pretty boring...but at least i got to see him ftw!!! |
did he roundhouse kick you or anyone you know? |
|
|
| plastikE |
| I am Chuck Norris. |
|
|
| kofrad |
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ******* with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and ******* on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the ******* out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the ******* out of little kids.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is so badass that when he masturbates he doesn't shoot sperm, but shoots out little Chuck Norris-es that roundhouse kick everyone within 2 miles.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
It was proclaimed that the character Walker Texas Ranger was based on the life of Chuck Norris' grandson, Toby Norris, in the year 2030, and slightly changed to a western theme. When asked about the shows theme change Norris replied, "It's just more realistic that a cowboy sheriff is a martial arts master..." Norris then threw a smoke bomb on the floor and vanished, but had to come back because he forgot his car keys.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual penis. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris once fought 43 midgets and a lion on Pay Per View. After slaughtering the midgets Chuck Norris could not destroy the lion since it was his biological father.
The pentagon knows Chuck Norris could end the war in Iraq but fears he will sire an army of *******-kicking bastard children.
At a frat party Chuck Norris once drank a wine cooler. He immediatley threw up due to the extreme femininity of the drink. Another party goer quickly collected his vomit and sold it years later, we know this today as Jack Daniels.
Chuck Norris has to use the "withdrawal" method of birth control, not to avoid pregnancy, but because his load is so powerful is always kills the woman.
Chuck Norris once filled in for Santa Claus, but was fired by Jesus because he gave every child only a Total Gym and a box set of every Walker Texas Ranger episode ever made.
Chuch Norris is the "ow" in the word "now".
Every wall in Chuck Norris' house is a mirror because Chuck Norris must always be surrounded by beauty.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris learned to read as a newborn in the hosptial while studying his ID bracelet. When he realized his mother had given him the middle name "Les" thereby making him Chuck-Les, he roundhouse kicked her in the face, and said his first words - "Who's laughing now?"
Chuck Norris has 92 chromosomes rather than the normal 46, meaning he is scientifically twice as good as any other human in existence.
Chuck Norris had a small furry bear-like son. His son was the perfect role on the Star Wars saga as an ewok. Unfortunatley, he was jealous of all his sons hair and made a rug out of him.
In the year 2010, Chuck Norris' beard will be declared the 51st state.
Chuck Norris makes beef jerky by roundhouse kicking cows so hard that moisture leaves their body.
Chuck Norris is the reason that Wilford Brimley can't say "diabetes" right due to a roundhouse to the kisser
Chuck Norris once fought a bear simply because it dared to grow more body hair than
him.
Kevlar is made out of Chuch Norris's beard.
Chuck Norris ejaculates nails, and he giggles everytime someone asks,"so did you nail'er?"
The longest human beard, at 17-1/2 feet, is credited in the Guinness Book of World Records to Hans N. Langseth, which is really just Norweigian for Chuck Norris.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. For Chuck Norris, there is Richard Simmons.
Vampires fear the sun and wooden stakes as a far second and third in comparison to confrontation with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once saved a baby rolling into the street when the stroller got away from the baby's mom. Then he banged the mom and the baby.
Chuck Norris sees dead people. He is the one who killed them.
What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris and a pair of cowboy boots? A roundhouse kick to the forehead... don't ever cross Chuck Norris.
While watching the first episode of Baywatch, Chuck Norris got so upset that David Hasselhoff got the lead role over him that he waited until Halloween and killed every kid that came to his door dressed as Knight Rider.
Bruce Lee will challenge Chuck Norris to a matial arts battle to prove that Chuck Norris is over-rated. When the match begins Lee will point out that Chuch Norris has only one move, "the roundhouse kick". Chuch Norris will then spend the next three minutes removing his boot from Lee's face.
Every morning Chuck starts his day off by roundhouse kicking 14 small children. Why 14? 14 is not only Chuck's favorite number, but it is also the number of times Chuck has had sex with your mother.
Contrary to popular belief, Superman is not just weak against kryptonite. His other weakness is Chuck Norris.
Bruce Lee was not originally asian, but quickly became so after continuous roundhouse kicks to the face.
Chuck Norris has done approximatly five hundred thousand dollars worth of damage just from kicking people out windows.
Chuck Norris is in love with Uma Thurman from the popular movie "Kill Bill". They once had a child, that childs name was Reba McIntire.
The roundhouse kick has been proven to be more deady than kryptonite. The Death of Superman? Yeah, that was from Chuck Norris.
Ever wonder how bacon was created? Chuck Norris karate chopped a pig so many times so all that was left were thin strips of meat. He then cooked them with his fire breathing ability and bacon was invented. His beard suggested the name.
The first human was not Adam, it was Chuck Norris. The only reason God created Eve was because Chuck Norris needed someone to roundhouse kick and make babies with.
Though too dangerous to harness, a Chuck Norris roundhouse generates enough energy to power the entire eastern seaboard for almost 18 hours.
Chuck Norris' beard is actually composed of all 118 elements of the periodic table.
Chuck Norris and Stephen Segal are actually twins who were conjoined at the hip during birth. Though Stephen Segal was the one who karate chopped through and separated their conjoined flesh, it was Chuck Norris who preformed the life saving spinal surgery on Stephen Segal. They are set to co-star in a remake of "Wedding Crashers" next December.
As part of his wake-up regimen, Chuck Norris eats three pounds of coffee beans and an entire grove of orange trees.
Chuck Norris is the major cause of death amongst males between 20 and 60 years old.
Chuck Norris rides around in a nuclear submarine patroling the Atlantic Ocean for Nazi U-boats. His sub doesn't fire torpedoes, it fires roundhouse kicks.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
The infomercial for the Total Gym was originally intended to be an episode of MTV cribs.
The universe was created when one of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks caused a massive cosmic explosion, hurling matter in all directions. This is known as the Norris Theory, widely accepted over the Big Bang Theory in the scientific community.
When Chuck Norris dies, so too will all of mankind.
Chuck Norris is so powerful, he converted him self in to energy, thats why you no longer see him anymore.
Nothing can survive one hour inside of Chuck Norris, his facial hair is actually trying to escape.
Chuck Norris once impregnated an iguana. This spawned Godzilla.
The name Chuck Norris means "Man With Pretty Beard" in French.
Everytime Chuck Norris smiles, another Etheopian child dies of starvation.
In the year 2003 Chuck Norris made a claim that he had in fact written every book on 14th century history. When asked how he could've physically been able to write this material from this period seeing as he was born in 1940, he replied with "Because I'm Chuck ******* Norris." and proceded to deliever a roundhouse to a small Vietnamese couple
Chuck Norris created the universe when he round housed some sub-atomic particles. Scientists call this the Big Bang theory.
Chuck Norris once made the greatest movie of all time. Ebert gave it thumbs up, but Siskel, angry at Norris for being so much more awesome than himself, gave it thumbs down. He soon after died of a roundhouse-kick related heart attack. Ebert remains alive, and "Sidekicks" remains the single greatest achievement in cinematic history.
Chuck Norris invented the word "twat", and uses it in every fourth sentance.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ******* Indian.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
Chuck Norris decided to can and sell the smell of his farts which are irresistible to women. The product is known as Axe bodyspray.
The only reason the television show "Friends" was on the air for so long was because it was Chuck Norris' favorite show.
Some time ago, Nestle asked Chuck Norris to develop a "kick *******" candy bar. Chuck immediately took a dump in a chair and roundhouse kicked everyone in the room. Pointing at the peanut laced ******* in the chair, Chuck exclaimed, "There's your kick ******* candy bar you Vietnam bitches!" We now know this as a "Baby Ruth".
Chuck Norris took a ******* on the Mississippi river one day. It became New Orleans.
Chuck Norris once started a brutal civil war in a third world country because he felt, "There were too many people on the planet." He also stopped it exactly a week after, by killing everyone by himself.
Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.
"Alien vs Predator" is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Everytime Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone an angel gets its wings. But Chuck Norris hates angels. So everytime an angel gets its wings it also gets a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day. |
|
|
|
|
