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in search of the perfect joke
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| djRocket |
| COR, i seek your help. I am in a bartending class and next week is our final exam. We have a written part and a practical part. For the practical part i have to make a drink at the instructors request and tell a joke while I'm making it. I need a really funny joke and i know that you guys can help me. pretty much anything goes. thanks |
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| SuspicionVandit |
"drinking makes you 17% more likely to attempt suicide. But your a MAN! Hell ya! Here, lemme put you down for 6 more"
and then when he walks out the door, shoot him in the head |
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| Ripped Bag |
| I've had a few bartenders tell a joke about the drink they're serving/making for me. Those are pretty clever... |
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| washout |
| i trade racists jokes with some bartenders. |
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| D-res |
"what did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall"
"damn" |
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| tribu |
Alot of people bitch about how theyre sacred of dying.
When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep like Grandpa Fred, not screaming like the passengers in his car |
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| DigitalMP |
Off color #1
Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, I think that you have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing!.. you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean'shand and leaves to meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history and logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."
Off color #2
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here.
Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.'
An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell, 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."
You may not want to mentally injure a man in a pub...
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."
For good measure...
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own ing blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted. |
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| occrider |
You want jokes??? I got jokes.
Top 10 religious jokes
1. I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
2. Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.
To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."
Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.
Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."
3. Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
4. Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
"Why did you push ahead in line?" asked Peter.
"Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" replied the nun.
5. Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...
Then all the other bells started to ring.
6. A man ran through a crowded train looking very agitated, calling out, "Is there a Catholic priest on board?"
When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting, "Is there an Anglican priest on board?" Still no reply.
By now becoming more desparate, he ran down the train shouting, "Is there a Rabbi on board?"
Eventually, a gentleman stood up and said, "Can I be of any assistance, my friend? I'm a Methodist minister."
The man looked at him and said, "No, you're no bloody good. I need a corkscrew!"
7. Michael took Kevin along with him to confession for moral support. Kevin waited in the pews while Michael approached the confessional.
"Forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
"Ah Michael," sighed the priest, "you have grieved the Holy Spirit. Tell me, was it Mary McCarthy?"
"I can't tell you, father," answered Michael, "I promised I wouldn't say, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
"Michael, this is not what you have been taught by Mother Church. Was it Sinead O'Rourke?"
"I can't say, father, I promised I wouldn't, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
"Ah, Michael, your poor mother and father would be heartbroken to know this. I wonder, was it Philomena Donnelly?"
"I can't tell you, father, I promised, forgive me, I have been with a woman."
"Michael, my son, I harboured such high hopes for you when you were an altar boy. Tell me, was it Therese Murphy?"
"Father, I can't say, I promised, forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
The priest pronounced, "Michael, you must say 50 Our Fathers and 30 Hail Marys."
"Thank you, father," a relieved Michael acknowledged, and went back to the pews where his mate Kevin was waiting.
"Michael, Michael, what did the father say?"
"He gave me 50 Our Fathers, 30 Hail Marys and four good leads."
8. St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.
After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."
Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"
The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"
9. The Trinity were planning a holiday. The Spirit, manifesting the creative part of the divine nature, was coming up with the ideas. "Let's go to New York," he suggested.
"No, no, no," said the Father, "They're all so liberated, they'll spend the whole time calling me 'Mother' and it will just do my head in."
So the Spirit sat back and thought. "I know, what about Jerusalem?" he said. "It's beautiful and then there's the history and everything."
"No way!" the Son declared. "After what happened the last time, I'm never going there again!"
At this point, the Spirit got annoyed and went off in a huff. Sometime later he returned and found that the Father and Son had had a idea they both thought was excellent:
"Why don't we go to Rome?" said the Son.
"Perfect!" cried the Holy Spirit. "I've never been there before!"
10. A workman is doing work inside a church. He sees a little old Italian lady get down in front of a statue of Mary and start to pray.
The workman decides to have a little fun. He gets behind the statue of Jesus and loudly says, "Woman, get off your kness. Don't pray to her, pray to me!"
The little old Italian lady looks up at the statue of Jesus and says, "Shutup your mouth, I'm talking to your mother!"
Top 10 most offensive religious jokes:
1. A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
2. Q: How does Jesus masturbate?
A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]
3. What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.
4. Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."
St Peter: "Not likely!"
Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."
At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.
St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."
Jesus: "Bugger off!"
Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."
Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God.
Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."
God: "Tell him to get lost!"
Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."
God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a in' wooden one!"
5. What do you give a paedophile who has everything?
A bigger parish.
6. A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.
"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"
The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.
"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.
"Is there time?" asks the priest.
7. What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
8. Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
9. Q: What's white and zips across the sky at 100 mph followed by a band of angels?
A: The coming of the Lord.
10. An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.
"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.
St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!" |
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| Kaidreas |
how do you get 100 lepers into a car?
2 in front,3 in the back seat and the rest of them in the ash-tray |
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| ninjahola |
Bartending class is a waste of time and money...not trying to be negative, but no one will hire you cuz you've done a class.
looks like you're just about to finish tho so poopy. |
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| idoru |
| quote: | Originally posted by D-res
"what did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall"
"damn" |
:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: |
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