|
Help with my cover letter please
|
View this Thread in Original format
| BTG |
I've never actually made a cover letter, and i'm hoping it would help me get a better job, but since i've never made one, i'm sure it could be done better. this is my first draft, probably could be more formal, so help out btg please.
cheers.
| quote: | Brad Morris
x xxxxord Dr
Brampton, Ontario
xxx xxx
Tel:
e-mail:
Dear company
I am currently seeking employment in the field of computers. I am smart, charismatic and reliable, with a wide range of skill. I would very much be interested in working for your company, and would definitely be a positive attribute to your company.
Over the years I have developed many skills in the field of computers. I have excellent understanding of the way they work and how they're put together. I've worked for ATI Technologies in the QA department. My duties included installing their video cards into the test computer, installing applications to test them, and reporting any known defects. Another time that I worked for ATI was a student summer program, where students just came in to play games and see if everything worked fine. They asked us all a question in which I knew a better answer than what they were seeking, so I was asked to help build servers with the network guy instead of playing games all day. I've also worked for Future shop’s Service department in December 2005, where I started off in a Detailer/Data entry position. I quickly moved up to the position of Tester due to my knowledge and understanding of computers and electronics, regardless of the fact that I had no formal training in the subject, even though it was required by Future shop.
Furthermore, I am a very quick learner with a desire to succeed at my job. I am hoping to gain a lot from this opportunity and certain I will do well. I have enclosed a copy of my resume for your review. I would be grateful for a chance to meet with you and talk about my skills and the benefits of taking me in. Thank you for your time.
Yours sincerely,
Brad Morris
|
|
|
|
| Groundhog Boy |
There's nothing about why you want to work for their company in there. Cover letters, while containing much of the same information from one to the next, should be personalized to the company you're seeking employment from.
Also, your middle paragraph reads like you aren't very adept at describing yourself and your previous work experience. These two sentences - "where students just came in to play games and see if everything worked fine. They asked us all a question in which I knew a better answer than what they were seeking, so I was asked to help build servers with the network guy instead of playing games all day" - sound really bad. It's almost what I'd expect from a 9th grader's description of the experience based on the vocabulary used.
Whether or not you felt that the positions required much effort or thought, you need to convey that these tasks were important. Resumes and cover letters are areas where you don't lie, but you milk the job tasks for all their worth and make them sound more difficult than they were. Instead of "play games all day," you "tested and audited software for performance" or something along that line. |
|
|
| BTG |
well i know that paragraph isn't very good, rough draft just to get somthing down, but i think i wana keep 'where they just played games' just to up myself becasue i didn't get to do that ,
also, i think 'network guy' should be changed to network administrator... |
|
|
| Groundhog Boy |
| quote: | Originally posted by BTG
well i know that paragraph isn't very good, rough draft just to get somthing down, but i think i wana keep 'where they just played games' just to up myself becasue i didn't get to do that ,
also, i think 'network guy' should be changed to network administrator... |
Didn't you official titles? I understand what you mean by trying to lower the perception of the game testing to make the networking job sound that much more superior, though. I just didn't like the wording because it didn't sound very well written. I assume this isn't a job that requires writing up reports and things, but displaying a good command of the English language is usually pretty important on these types of things. For cover letters, it's not just the content, but writing ability that goes on display. |
|
|
| Slylee |
Brad Morris
x xxxxord Dr
Brampton, Ontario
xxx xxx
Tel:
e-mail:
Dear company:
Please accept this letter of interest along with my resume for the posted position of ____________________. Over the years, I have developed many skills in the field of computers from my experience in working for several computer companies, which you will find on my resume. I quickly moved up in those companies due to my knowledge and understanding of computers and electronics. I was able to earn positions that required formal training regardless of the fact that I had not received any such training.
Furthermore, I am a very quick learner with a desire to succeed at my job. I have enclosed a copy of my resume for your review. I look forward to the opportunity of meeting with you and your staff in person. Feel free to contact me if you require any additional information. I can be reached by phone at _________or through email at __________________.
Very truly yours,
Dumb who can't write a cover letter.
hahah jk. ok that's all i got. i was always taught that cover letter should be short and sweet and just enough to grab their attention a little bit...to sell yourself a little bit if your resume isn't as impressive. |
|
|
| igottaknow |
Dear company
I am currently seeking employment in the field of computers. I am smart, charismatic[sounds arrogant]
and reliable, with a wide range of skill. I would very much be interested in working for your company, and would definitely be a positive attribute to your company.
Over the years I have developed many skills in the field of computers[vague]
. I have excellent understanding of the way they work and how they're put together.[woopie doo! so does your average teenager]
I've worked for ATI Technologies in the QA department. My duties included installing their video cards into the test computer, installing applications to test them, and reporting any known defects. Another time[unnecessary and too informal, this is a letter not a coversation on MSN] that I worked for ATI was a student summer program, where students just came in to play games and see if everything worked fine. They asked us all a question in which I knew a better answer than what they were seeking, so I was asked to help build servers with the network guy instead of playing games all day.[too informal again. rephrase] I've also worked for Future shop’s Service department in December 2005, where I started off in a Detailer/Data entry position. I quickly moved up to the position of Tester due to my knowledge and understanding of computers and electronics, regardless of the fact that I had no formal training in the subject, even though it was required by Future shop.
Furthermore, I am a very quick learner with a desire to succeed at my job. I am hoping to gain a lot from this opportunity
[they're not hire ppl so you can build up your resume] and certain I will do well. I have enclosed a copy of my resume for your review. I would be grateful for a chance to meet with you and talk about my skills and the benefits of taking me in [what? sounds like they taking in a stray dog]
. Thank you for your time.
Yours sincerely,
Brad |
|
|
| DJ Mikey Mike |
Brad Morris
x xxxxord Dr
Brampton, Ontario
xxx xxx
Tel:
e-mail:
Dear company
I will save you some time. I am . Don't hire me.
Yours sincerely,
Brad Morris |
|
|
| Groundhog Boy |
These samples may help - http://www.career.cornell.edu/resum...rs/samples.html, especially since there are ones for different types of circumstances (published ad, letter of inquiry, heard of position through networking contact, etc.)
Also, I forgot to say anything about the part in the last paragraph when you should state that you'll call them in 2-3 weeks to follow up, but if they would like to speak sooner, you can be reached by email and phone (include email and # in body of text, too). Also, you should actually call when you say that you're going to, as it shows initiative. |
|
|
| StanVoid |
" am smart, charismatic and reliable, with a wide range of skill. I would very much be interested in working for your company, and would definitely be a positive attribute to your company."
that's way too general and does not offer any valuable insight into who you are. Everyone can say "i will be a good addition to this company because my skill set is large". What you have to do is highlight the company's main, SPECIFIC needs and how you would meet those needs with your SPECIFIC skills. Remember, details + speficics are the things that distinguish you from the next kid.
So if you're applying - say - for a position in a Quake 2 rails clan (hypothetically speaking of course), you wouldn't want to say "I've played lots of first person shooters and will be a great addition to you clansmanship." No. You would want to say something like "With over 4 years of experience in such top-ranked clans as [SmP] and |cc|, I have developped a profficiency in strafe jumping, corner shooting, and distance sniping. If hired, I believe I would meet and exceed the clan's expectations of high shooting accuracy and survival efficiency."
get it? |
|
|
| igottaknow |
| quote: | Originally posted by DJ Mikey Mike
Brad Morris
x xxxxord Dr
Brampton, Ontario
xxx xxx
Tel:
e-mail:
Dear company
I will save you some time. I am . Don't hire me.
Yours sincerely,
Brad Morris |
:haha: |
|
|
| DJ Mikey Mike |
In all seriousness, as someone who has had to hire people in the past, this is a very letter even for a first draft.
Like igottaknow said, this sort of thing makes you sound arrrogant:
| quote: | | I am smart, charismatic and reliable, with a wide range of skill. |
Try this instead..
| quote: | | I very much enjoy working with computers and have a logical and analytical mind. I work well with people, and am polite, helpful and conscientious. |
Also, as an employer reading over applications is very tedious and one of the most boring things ever. They will skim over it fast, so make it simple and to the point. |
|
|
| BTG |
thank you everybody for your help, *edit*
i know i sound like a douche, but i've been working warehouses for so long that my informalities have gotten the best of me. |
|
|
|
|
