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Tell me a joke, pal (pg. 2)
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| Capitalizt |
Subject: Fw: Heaven's new policy
>>
>> It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to
>> change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get
>> into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you
>> died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
>>
>> So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of
>> Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
>> asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your
>> day was going when you died.'
>>
>> 'No problem, the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor
>> apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair.
>> But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for
>> him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the
>> entire apartment.
>>
>> Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto
>> the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by
>> his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
>>
>> Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers
>> until he fell to the ground.
>>
>> But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes
>> that broke his fall and he di dn't die. This ticked me off even more.
>> In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I
>> could get my hands on to throw at him.
>>
>> Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.
>> I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over
>> the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
>>
>> The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart
>> attack and died almost instantly.'
>>
>> The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy
>> did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the
>>
>> Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,'
>> and let him in.
>>
>> A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's
>> surprise, it was Donald Trump.
>>
>> 'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I nee d to hear about what
>> your day was like when you died.'
>>
>> Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I
>> was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
>> exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing
>> hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away,
>> slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
>>
>> Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the
>> balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running
>> out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well,
>> of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which
>> broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
>>
>> As I'm laying there face up on the ground , unable to move and
>> in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all
>> things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of
>> me, killing me instantly.'
>>
>> The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his
>> story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself.
>> 'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven
>> ,' and he lets Trump enter.
>>
>> A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The
>> Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and
>> war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, 'Mr.
>> President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'
>>
>> Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator...... |
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| StanVoid |
| quote: | Originally posted by UmmiE
I'm not your dad, son! |
I'm not your son, guy! |
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| THE_Chris |
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef. |
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| bigjimslade002 |
| quote: | Originally posted by grooviebeats
what do Michael Jackson and oysters have in common?
They both come on little white crackers.. |
that joke got my thread closed here on TA once.the only time thats ever happened to me.although i said caviar not oysters maybe thats why they closed it.:p
keeping in the pedophile genre of jokes though,whats small,white,and breaks easily?
a 6 year olds pelvis.
yeah,i know horrible. |
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| gehzumteufel |
Why do all black people have nightmares?
The last one that had a dream got shot.
I'm not racist, I've got a color tv!!!!!!
lol ok I'll stop. All mine are horribly racist. |
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| eye_03 |
heh, what did the pedophile say when he got out of prison?
"man, i feel like a kid again!" |
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| Audious |
What's worse than five babies nailed to a tree?
One baby nailed to five trees. |
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| dj_alfi |
What's the difference between a truckload of basket balls and a truckload of dead babies?
You can't unload the basket balls with a pitch fork. |
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| pitchf0rk |
| quote: | Originally posted by Saka
Three women: One engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their sex lives and decided to impress their men. That night all three decided to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman says "The other night when my fiancee came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long."
The mistress says "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman says "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said; "What's for dinner, Batman?" |
worst joke, not even slightly amusing. |
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| iammesol |
| quote: | Originally posted by dj_alfi
What's the difference between a truckload of basket balls and a truckload of dead babies?
You can't unload the basket balls with a pitch fork. |
:stongue: :haha: :stongue:
What's worse than a truckload of dead babies?
the live one in the middle trying to eat itself out |
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| CleverName |
What's the best part about sex with twenty seven year olds?
There's SO MANY of them! Oh man, gets me every time. |
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| iammesol |
| Quit subliminally telling me to bang cougars, Josh. :o |
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