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Matthias vs the possum. Matthias 1 - possum 0
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| Matthias |
I dunno what it is...but they never learn. A while back I posted a story about me and a raccoon going to war over my pet's food in the garage. Well, here we go again.. about 5 minutes ago.
So I got home late after stopping by the titty bar an ex worked at to with her friends, and went in the garage to get the food before other critters (probably with rabies) came in and helped themselves.
Too late. A possum almost as big as that goddamn raccoon was helping himself. I stepped forward to run his ass off but that bitch hissed so loud spit came halfway across the room. Okay...last time I got in a knife fight with the raccoon, and I damn sure and ing with this. Alright, that's all good, I got something for ya that made the same example out of your coon friend.
I grabbed two things from my room. The 1911 .45 and the bottle of Jack. Remember the "My Buddy" doll way the hell back in the day? Well see the bottle of Jack Daniel's kinda works the same way. Wherever I go, he goes. Already buzzed from the titty bar I stumbled out the the garage with the gun and the Jack and close the door to minimize the noise. Sure enough....the lil ******s still there eating the damn food.
*click* in chambers a round. Lined up the sights and the laser dot center mass annnnnnnd *CRACK* Damnit! Hit him in the leg but at least it wasn't a miss. I take another swig. If I'm not mistaken this is what Jack Nicholson drank in The Shining. Ironically, I'm watching this thing screech and try to make his escape with a ed up leg as my sociopathic side surfaces.
I took a another long pull from the bottle and set it back down. The world moved in slow motion as I walked across the room as he was crawling toward the closed garage hatch he came in through. Crunch went the femur on his other leg when I pinned him down with my boot and put the tip of the barrel against its eye. "Game Over." Execution style, just like the chinese do.
Since the trash came already, I dont need this thing stinking up and collecting maggots for a week. So...*chunck* right over the back fence. Somehow this song was playing in my head the entire time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcsR...feature=related *shrug* :)
*bow*
Now...before anyone flips the out, you had a choice to read this. If any animal rights activist got offended by this, then I very cordially invite you to tell someone who gives a . That person is not me.
The late possum was found guilty on multiple counts of federal trespassing and larceny. As the possum showed hostile intent and made no attempt to vacate said premises, said possum was summarily executed for his crimes. Hopefully this will serve as a warning and deterrent against future invaders. Meanwhile I make have to work on my accuracy while drinking. And before I get any lectures on firearms and alcohol...Im certain the two went hand in hand in the old west and they did just fine. So in total:
Matthias: 2
Invading vermin: 0
Total shots fired: 3 |
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| Zeonfiend |
I'm surprised the first hit didn't shred it, .45's not a sissy round. Must have been HUGE! :eyes:
Good shootin', Tex. :toocool: |
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| Lizandrooo |
| THREAT OF THE EN YEAR!!!!! I LMFGoochOff!!! |
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| ryan3243 |
OH MY GOD.....that was the best thing i've read in a very long time. i'll over-look your misspelling of opossum due to the story being so incredibly awesome who cares if it's misspelled.
btw...totally read the story with the song playing while you read it. nice shooting. |
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| sharper |
lets see
- titty bar escapades with ex (awesome choice in women btw)
- not being able to live without Jack Daniel's by your side
- bragging about both of the above on the internet
- fighting with wildlife
- can't spell
- not realizing that there are dog food containers that can get an air tight seal (my suggestion is get one of these)
- shooting a gun while drunk
- shooting in a closed off room such as a garage
- chunking dead animals over a fence
Matthias, I'd say you are definitely WinningAtLife.com lol Congrats, man! :D |
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| Matthias |
| quote: | Originally posted by sharper
- titty bar escapades with ex (awesome choice in women btw) |
Hmm. The still wants the cock, but she lives elsewhere. The story specified the ex's friends. Plural. And....my d**k thought it was an awesome choice too! :cool:
| quote: | Originally posted by sharper
- not being able to live without Jack Daniel's by your side |
No. Jack Daniel's is not able to live without ME by its side. |
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| Matthias |
| blah blah blah :) |
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| sharper |
| Oh no, don't get me wrong. I found it hilarious |
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| Matthias |
| quote: | Originally posted by sharper
Oh no, don't get me wrong. I found it hilarious |
:D That was the point of the post. I tell a good story. So I've been told |
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| Matthias |
| I can't get that Terminator theme out of my head tho. That has got to be the earliest electronic synthesized music I got into back in 84 when it came out. |
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| civicstyle2003 |
| Thread of the Year |
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