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My story of Depression (pg. 4)
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| djSlain |
while responding to some of the private messages i am getting, i somehow came up with a great motto:
If you feel unsatisfied with yourself, satisfy yourself by helping others. |
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| Swamper |
Wow man... you've been through a lot. Glad to see things are working out for you...
So far in 2003 I've heard/seen a lot of stuff happen to myself/others that has changed my outlook on some things, thanks for telling your story.
Peace. |
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| djSlain |
DjSlain
Depression and faith
One aspect that helped me through my depression was religion and the ideas of a higher power watching over us as we go through our troubled times. I’m not here to promote any religion over another or gain members into my Church. As many people have asked for a deeper analysis into my state of depression, I decided to choose the topic of faith and how it helped me go through my suicidal and homicidal stages.
I was born into a semi-religious family surrounded by the ideas of Christian ways and Catholicism. The basic ideas we were raised with was that god looked over all people and kept them safe in such an evil world we live in today. We went to church often, said our prayers at night and were tucked into god’s blanket of comfort.
During the beginning stages of my depression I began to question god. I would look around at my world and I would be disgusted. It started with the economics of my family. For about 4 months my family and me were homeless. We lived in 2 vans in the parking lot of a Burger King. My dad did not have enough money from his job to support us. Eventually, we would have to be sent away to Mexico so our dad could become financially stable again. Why did god do this to us? We praised his name every night before we slept, and gave thanks to him for every dollar that was spared for us.
Before the point where I was officially announced to be suffering from depression, I was very angry with god. There was so much evil with so much and so much good with so little. I looked at other families and compared them to my family and I would speak out against god because he had not treated us equally as those who spoke his name in vain. My sister and I would have endless fights about my atheist ideas. I would speak his name in such a horrible manner and constantly whispered and gestured against him will all hope that he would soon pay for my suffering.
Then I was sent to the mental hospital, and the rest of the story resides in the beginning of this thread.
During my stay at venture, I met a woman who was not my designated therapist, but nonetheless I would listen to her talk to me. There was a special group I was joined into called Recovery. It was a group that dealt with people who had addictions. They were all there for drugs. I was there for self-mutilation.
One of the steps required in this group was to understand in a higher power. We never once used words like god and Satan; only: a greater power.
I listened and became so influenced by this lady that I had to admit I was being swayed away from my Atheism. Did I believe in a higher power? I did now because of the words spoken in Recovery.
Now, I am Catholic, so I will now be referring to my personal religion and beliefs.
Did god love me? I pondered it so damn much. I had cursed his name so many times because of my suffering every single day. But now I had to look at it in a different light. I was not wasting my time and life away in Venture. Look at it in a different light. I was getting help. Who brought me this help? The hands of god brought me to venture, to recovery and now to my rehabilitation. If there were no god, I would not have gotten help. I would’ve probably ended up dead, and by the rules of god, that would be murder and I would be in hell.
All I needed was a little faith. The day I was released from venture I realized I could not possibly live without god. I was happy, and it was not just with my strength that I was cured, it was the assistance from god that helped me and shaped me into the person I am. And I am thankful to god that I live in this body, full of surprises and a mentality of constant hope.
When you’re down, realize there is someone on your shoulder. When you are alone and crying on the floor, realize there is someone picking up your tears. When you feel the world is against, you will always have the hand of god on your shoulder. You are not alone. There is a higher power that would like to see you try to move on and not curse his name in tough situations.
God tests your faith. Even in the toughest of times, god is there to lament with you.
Well, I’m at school right now and the bell just rung. Unfortunately, I don’t have a floppy so I’ll just post this on TA. Any questions? I’ll respond to those who ask for help when I get home.
(Spell checker anyone?)
(Sticky?)
BTW, I strictly will NOT tolerate any discussion of whether god is real or not. This thread is about depression, and religion just happened to be a part of it
No about arguing about Darwin or anything. I shared my experience, please respect it. |
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| SportTrance |
Going to try to make this as brief as possible.......
this all took place 8 years ago.........
I discovered in 8th grade as well, that I suffer(ed) from anxiety disorder. Anyone who has/had it knows what its like, so I won't get into it. Honestly, when I compare it to the events I had experienced that same summer, it seems extremely minor to me, and still does this day.
So there I was, a 15 year old kid in 8th grade, getting ready to graduate. Throughout junior high, I was a mediocre student, never made straight A's, never really tried to honestly. I was popular, had no real problems with friends, was on the b-ball team, was part of the "cool crowd" etc.etc. I definitely was having more fun than studying. Finally graduation was near, and I had taken the entrance exam to attend one of the finest highschools in houston. Soon before graduation, I had learned that I was accepted, and was extremely happy (but not as happy as my parents). So graduation came, there I was sitting in the bench, waiting for my name to be called. I was excited, it was a major event, and most importantly, I was glad it was summer. However, this was pretty much the last moment for a long time, I would feel so happy. No more than a month after graduation, my father died. Completely unexpected, out of nowhere. I can recall that day more than any other, it was the day that changed my life.
I can't explain the deepest darkest depths of depression, and the domino effect of it, that continued on for the next 3 years. I did my best to leave my emotions at home, but 3 years felt like 10 years. I was the typical teenager, made friends, had my share of good times, again made "decent" grades, and again wasn't exactly the most favored student of the faculty. At that point, I just plain didn't give a to be honest. Somehow I got through, and thats all I know I needed to do. Ofcourse anxiety, was still there, especially with depression. But most of the time I managed to not let it affect me outside of the house, though at times it definitely did. I ofcourse, can't tell you how many times, I had to hold it in, and come home, and break down. I also can't tell you how many times I had cried myself to sleep. Even to this day I may shed a tear or two, or three, simply because I miss my father.
I had been on pretty much every over the counter anti-depressant/anxiety medicine you can think of. I was just a plain mess. Finally one day, I decided not to take that stupid pill before school, and from then on, I felt almost free. Once you begin to understand yourself, and how your mind works, you can control more than you ever thought. I can't help but seem envious of those who have/had anxiety/depression, yet still have both parents/loved ones by their side.
I read DJSlains story, and was waiting to see a loss of a loved one, a mother, or a father, or a tragic accident of some sort, but didn't see it. I will tell you now, no matter how deep your depression, no matter how bad your anxiety, I have been there. Keep in mind, I experienced depression/anxiety BEFORE my father had passed. Months later in that summer, I realized, I was going to have much bigger problems.
You'll learn to cope with your issue, just like me, and thousands of others have, just do yourself a favor and realize, it could always be worse. I realized it first hand. You don't realize how minor a problem is, until a bigger problem arises. I've experienced enough depression/anxiety to cover me for the rest of my life, and its almost as if my mind ran out of the fuel to keep it going. I'd go through it all again today with ease, if I could just have my father back.
I'm going to be straight forward and honest. To me, DJSlain's story is more like a fairy tale bed time story more than anything..........that went too far. I can't help but assume you wouldn't be on this earth to make this thread, if you lost a parent at the same time, like I did. For you, things are back to like they were, for me, and thousands of others, things will never be like they were, just be sure to thank your ass you have that. I honestly can say you dont have too much experience, because simply, in my opinion, to me and many others, your story is a sleigh ride. Just remember that when you go out and give advice to people. Just some harsh, but friendly advice if you plan on playing the psychiatric success story role. |
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| The Highroller |
congrats dude!
you are right. i used to be behind my computer screen AAAAAALLL the time in the early years of highschool. theres lots out there! and we should not hide behind our screens!
I BLAME TECHNOLOGY!! |
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| djSlain |
| quote: | Originally posted by SportTrance
Going to try to make this as brief as possible.......
this all took place 8 years ago.........
I discovered in 8th grade as well, that I suffer(ed) from anxiety disorder. Anyone who has/had it knows what its like, so I won't get into it. Honestly, when I compare it to the events I had experienced that same summer, it seems extremely minor to me, and still does this day.
So there I was, a 15 year old kid in 8th grade, getting ready to graduate. Throughout junior high, I was a mediocre student, never made straight A's, never really tried to honestly. I was popular, had no real problems with friends, was on the b-ball team, was part of the "cool crowd" etc.etc. I definitely was having more fun than studying. Finally graduation was near, and I had taken the entrance exam to attend one of the finest highschools in houston. Soon before graduation, I had learned that I was accepted, and was extremely happy (but not as happy as my parents). So graduation came, there I was sitting in the bench, waiting for my name to be called. I was excited, it was a major event, and most importantly, I was glad it was summer. However, this was pretty much the last moment for a long time, I would feel so happy. No more than a month after graduation, my father died. Completely unexpected, out of nowhere. I can recall that day more than any other, it was the day that changed my life.
I can't explain the deepest darkest depths of depression, and the domino effect of it, that continued on for the next 3 years. I did my best to leave my emotions at home, but 3 years felt like 10 years. I was the typical teenager, made friends, had my share of good times, again made "decent" grades, and again wasn't exactly the most favored student of the faculty. At that point, I just plain didn't give a to be honest. Somehow I got through, and thats all I know I needed to do. Ofcourse anxiety, was still there, especially with depression. But most of the time I managed to not let it affect me outside of the house, though at times it definitely did. I ofcourse, can't tell you how many times, I had to hold it in, and come home, and break down. I also can't tell you how many times I had cried myself to sleep. Even to this day I may shed a tear or two, or three, simply because I miss my father.
I had been on pretty much every over the counter anti-depressant/anxiety medicine you can think of. I was just a plain mess. Finally one day, I decided not to take that stupid pill before school, and from then on, I felt almost free. Once you begin to understand yourself, and how your mind works, you can control more than you ever thought. I can't help but seem envious of those who have/had anxiety/depression, yet still have both parents/loved ones by their side.
I read DJSlains story, and was waiting to see a loss of a loved one, a mother, or a father, or a tragic accident of some sort, but didn't see it. I will tell you now, no matter how deep your depression, no matter how bad your anxiety, I have been there. Keep in mind, I experienced depression/anxiety BEFORE my father had passed. Months later in that summer, I realized, I was going to have much bigger problems.
You'll learn to cope with your issue, just like me, and thousands of others have, just do yourself a favor and realize, it could always be worse. I realized it first hand. You don't realize how minor a problem is, until a bigger problem arises. I've experienced enough depression/anxiety to cover me for the rest of my life, and its almost as if my mind ran out of the fuel to keep it going. I'd go through it all again today with ease, if I could just have my father back.
I'm going to be straight forward and honest. To me, DJSlain's story is more like a fairy tale bed time story more than anything..........that went too far. I can't help but assume you wouldn't be on this earth to make this thread, if you lost a parent at the same time, like I did. For you, things are back to like they were, for me, and thousands of others, things will never be like they were, just be sure to thank your ass you have that. I honestly can say you dont have too much experience, because simply, in my opinion, to me and many others, your story is a sleigh ride. Just remember that when you go out and give advice to people. Just some harsh, but friendly advice if you plan on playing the psychiatric success story role. |
Thank you for sharing. It took me a lot of confidence to bring up this thread as i feared people would have negative responses to it. Now i even wonder why i second guessed myself. It's good to see others having the same confidence.
yes, it's true, there are people who have had it worse off than me. I would admit that yes, you have had it maybe 10x worser than me. However, about losing loved ones, i am disturbed at my reaction towards death:
My friend died last year street racing and was killed instantly as his car hit a light post. I never onced cried. In fact, i was pretty apathetic about it. I mean, MY FRIEND DIED! why wasn't i sad? Why wasn't i angry? and most of all, why don't i care? It disturbs me. However when my mom told me she was having cholesterol problems, i cried and cried. I don't know what is wrong with me.
I remember trying to hide my depression. I would try and put that smile back up, and inside i was dying. It feels guilty to lie. But to have to lie to yourself is just not the greatest of feelings. I don't want to sound mean, but i definently would rather go through my years of depression ten times than to fill your shoes and go through what you went through. Any member of my family died...the thought just brings a tear to my eye. I remember thinking to myself, just wait until your 18, u can go out and discover the happy fast world. Waiting felt like decades.
But why wait for YEARS to be crowned with two numbers (1 and 8). why not discover the world now. turn off the computer, go join the YMCA, debate club, do community service.
go out and discover the world. The more time you have to think, the more likely you will face the 50/50 chance of having a negative thought. When you occupy your mind with positive activies, you will see the world move faster, with u and not against you. |
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| a-aplz |
| quote: | Originally posted by djSlain
Thank you for sharing. It took me a lot of confidence to bring up this thread as i feared people would have negative responses to it. |
Heh these forums are a great place to share stuff like this. Nobody really has negative comments toward subjects like this (just a select few lamers). I've posted threats like this before and people were able to relate to me and give postive comments. :]
Btw, grrr I think it's time for a new keyboard...my spacebar makes this annoying high pitced squeek when I use it. :P |
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| Spad |
SportTrance, thanks for sharing your story. You've been through a lot of and it's good to see you've come out good on the other side.
Remember though, depression can't be measured on the "scale" of your problems. It's not always Reactive, that's only one form of depression. You can have people who have everything, the perfect family, money, happy in their job, fantastic social life...but for some reason, something they can't understand, they can't be happy. They can be driven to the brink of suicide for reasons they can't even understand themselves. This doesn't make the depression any more or less severe than somebody who doesn't have the same things they do.
Sorry if that sounds like I'm having a go, it just seemed to me you were saying in your post that you had more right to go through depression than djSlain because you'd had a rougher time... depression doesn't work like that. I've said this before in another thread, when you're going through depression anything can seem like the world. A person could battle through illness, abuse, the death of a loved one, and cope well. But at a stage in their life where they're going through a major depression, something as simple as failing a driving test could drive that same person to dispair.
Anyways, once again thanks for sharing your story mate, it's good to see people are able to talk about these things openly on this board. Makes you realise what a real community & support system it can be sometimes. |
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| djSlain |
| quote: | Originally posted by Spad
it just seemed to me you were saying in your post that you had more right to go through depression than djSlain because you'd had a rougher time... depression doesn't work like that. |
that was an excellent statement. |
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| Jiggilo |
"Life is 10% what happens to you. The other 90% is how you react to it."
Great Story man. I love the last quote that you used, its very interesting if you really think about it. Im glad everything is going great for you now! |
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| SportTrance |
Believe it or not, I thought quite a bit about my post. I knew it might trigger some possible issues etc.
As spad mentioned, and I know this, but definitely did not elaborate on which I should of, is depression truly can't be scaled on the severity of your problems. You can have everything in the world, anything that will make you happy, but you still can be depressed. Believe me, I've seen it a million times with people who in all aspects, have truly had everything.
and DJ Slain, I appreciate your mature response. If I sound angry, don't worry, i'm not. I'm honestly trying to point out the positive in a bad situation, and I will admit I stated my point in a bad fashion. First Let me clarify that no persons reason for depression is better/more reasonable than the other. Infact, when you're sitting in that deep dark box in hell, you pretty much can't conceive that it could get any worse. Thats just the naturalness of the experience. I'll tell ya, its sure a good feeling to hear from a doctor, you will get better, that this pill, or this, will help you get there, and that this person will help you as well, etc.etc.. However, there is one thing I knew, my father wasn't coming back, and it took me about 4 years to accept that.
So my main point really is, its INCREDIBLE inspiration to know, you will get out of it, it isn't over, and you will return to your fullness that you once were, and that simply, things will go back to the way they were. Realize and appreciate this, consider it a gift.
When you lose a parent or loved one, the battle isn't over the day you overcome depression, infact, its just the beginning, and you have to accept the fact, that things will never again be like they once were.
I'm sure anyone would choose the option to return to the way things once were. If you fit in that option, take advantage, because you know what, it really could be worse. |
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| LadyLuck13 |
I am diagnosed with PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know all about it and what caused it. I have, in my 30 years of life; been raped twice. Most current was not quite a year ago. First time was THE first time, ever...
For anyone who doesnt know about PTSD: PTSD is what the Vietnam Veterans deal with on a daily basis. Flashbacks, nightmares, being afraid of being in public, anger, and the list goes on and on.
Rape victims experience these same exact symptoms, but instead of the flashbacks being about war, they're about the rape. Nightmares are about bad things happening to my family/friends and in horrific manners. I'm not too afraid of being in public right now. I'm alright in a group of people , but I think if I were to be in a one on one situation with a strange guy I would definitely be uncomfortable with it.
Suicidal thoughts/actions come along also. And very often.
The Anger part... lets just say that I'm glad people cant read my mind. I have horrible thoughts of doing horrible things sometimes. |
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