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TA Joke Thread! (pg. 3)
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| daydreamer |
| quote: | Originally posted by BitchBoyNYC
How true is this???
Who's the Boss?
When the Lord made man/woman, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the became mad and closed up.
After a few days...
The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the boss.
This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss...
Just an . |
that is acutally and old spanish joke. doesn't transalate well |
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| RachUCF1001 |
| quote: | Originally posted by BitchBoyNYC
How true is this???
Who's the Boss?
When the Lord made man/woman, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the became mad and closed up.
After a few days...
The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the boss.
This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss...
Just an . |
lol,
Brian in particular will be able to relate with this one!
HAHA!:wtf: |
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| X RichieRich X |
| quote: | Originally posted by vtec junkie
there were 3 guys taking a hike in the woods. they get captured by a canabilistic tribe so the tribe takes the hikers to their leader. the leader tells the hikers that they can go free if they can complete a 2 part task. they agree so the leader tells them the first part of the task is to go collect 10 pieces of fruit. they each go their seperate ways and the first hiker returns with 10 apples. the tribe leader tells him the second part of the task is that they are going to shove those 10 apples up his ass and he cannot make any facial expressions what-so-ever. he gets by the first one ok but flinches on the second so they chop him up and eat him and he goes to heaven. the second hiker shows back up with 10 berries. the leader tells him the second part of the task and the hiker is thinking ", no problem, these berries are small". he gets through the first nine no problem at all. on the tenth, he bursts out laughing so they chop him up and eat him and he goes to heaven. the first guy, after witnessing what happened, sees the second hiker in heaven and asks "what happened man, you were so close to being home free?" the second hiker says "i seen the other guy strolling up with watermelons and i just couldn't help myself!!!!" |
WOW has this joke evolved over the years....
here is the version that was told to me MANY years ago.
There were three men lost and starving in the woods. An englishman, an frenchman and a polishman. After days of walking, they finally come upon a farm. Excited, they run to the front door. An old farmer holding a shotgun answers the door. "What da hell you guys want?", he shouts. The frenchman says, "Please sir we have been lost in the woods and haven't eaten for days, could you please provide us with a meal and a place to sleep for the night?" The farmer thinks for a second and says, "OK, but under one condtion." He then calls "SARA" his beautiful blonde daughter in from the kitchen. The three mens mouths dropped to the floor. The farmer says while picking up his gun, "If I catch any of you making advances at my baby daughter I will shoot you all dead." The three men agree. At dinner, the daughter is flirting bigtime with the three gentlemen. The farmer doesn't notice and the three men escape dinner without responding to her advances. After dinner, the farmer shows the men to the bedroom upstairs. The farmer then passes out on the couch in the living room, and the daughter goes to bed in her bedroom downstairs. After an hour or so the three men are still awake talking about how hot the daughter was. The frenchman springs up and decides to sneak downstairs to get it on with the daughter. Half way down the stairs, he hits a loose board and a loud "CREAK" was made. The frenchman looks around nervously as the farmer almost wakes up. He sees a cat laying on the floor and quickly says, "MEOW". The farmer falls back asleep, so the frenchman continued to make his way past the farmer to the bedroom. He goes in and has sex with the daughter. After he makes it back to the room, the englishman says, "Well how did it go?" The frenchman says, "She was unbelieveable! and she wants you next! But be careful there is a loose board in the stairs. If you make any noise act like a cat." The english man heads downstairs and sure enough hits the board and quickly says, "MEOW" in order to not wake the farmer. He then makes love to the daughter and goes back upstairs. The polishman is dying to go next. The englishman says, "Remember if you make any noise act like a cat." The polishman runs down the stairs without any caution. Sure enough he hits the stair. Confused, the polishman mutters, "Uh.... it's the cat." The farmer jumps up, grabs the shotgun, and screams, "I'm gunna shoot yo ass." The daughter comes running out of her bedroom naked, pleading not to shoot the gentlemen. The farmer looks at his darling daughters face, agrees and says, "OK I won't shoot you guys but for your punishment, each of you are going to go out to the shed and pick a fruit for me to shove up yo ass!" The frenchman goes and comes back with a cherry. The englishman goes and comes back with a blueberry. The polishman goes, and as he is coming back, the englishman and the frenchman start laughing. The farmer screams, "What da hell you laughing about! I'm about to shove a fruit in your ass!" They point to the window and say, "HAHA the polishman has a watermelon!"
almost the same joke but i guess yours was a cliff notes version hehe :haha: |
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| vtec junkie |
| quote: | Originally posted by RachUCF1001
lol,
Brian in particular will be able to relate with this one!
HAHA!:wtf: |
Yeah my boss is about as dumb as they come and the biggest at the same time.:whip: :whip: :whip: |
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| variableS |
| quote: | Originally posted by X RichieRich X
WOW has this joke evolved over the years....
almost the same joke but i guess yours was a cliff notes version hehe :haha: |
A "cleaner" version...
An Englishman, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze; they are all sentenced to death!
However after many months and with the help of very good, lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment the Sheikh announced "its my first wife's birthday today, and she has, asked me to allow each of' you one wish before your whipping.
The Dutchman was first in line. He thought for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back". This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly, "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even with two pillows he could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said. "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this you may have two wishes.
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful", the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and a powerful man you are also very brave.'' The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
"Tie the Frenchman to my back". |
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| RachUCF1001 |
| quote: | Originally posted by vtec junkie
Yeah my boss is about as dumb as they come and the biggest at the same time.:whip: :whip: :whip: |
yea hes a big DOUCHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
right, Brian!?:whip: :toothless |
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| BxNemo |
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hello to all.... i had this pretty funny joke book but... i can't find it anywhere... lemme get stoned and then come back and type some funny . Hello rach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| anuneventrade |
| quote: | Originally posted by X RichieRich X
WOW has this joke evolved over the years....
here is the version that was told to me MANY years ago.
There were three men lost and starving in the woods. An englishman, an frenchman and a polishman. After days of walking, they finally come upon a farm. Excited, they run to the front door. An old farmer holding a shotgun answers the door. "What da hell you guys want?", he shouts. The frenchman says, "Please sir we have been lost in the woods and haven't eaten for days, could you please provide us with a meal and a place to sleep for the night?" The farmer thinks for a second and says, "OK, but under one condtion." He then calls "SARA" his beautiful blonde daughter in from the kitchen. The three mens mouths dropped to the floor. The farmer says while picking up his gun, "If I catch any of you making advances at my baby daughter I will shoot you all dead." The three men agree. At dinner, the daughter is flirting bigtime with the three gentlemen. The farmer doesn't notice and the three men escape dinner without responding to her advances. After dinner, the farmer shows the men to the bedroom upstairs. The farmer then passes out on the couch in the living room, and the daughter goes to bed in her bedroom downstairs. After an hour or so the three men are still awake talking about how hot the daughter was. The frenchman springs up and decides to sneak downstairs to get it on with the daughter. Half way down the stairs, he hits a loose board and a loud "CREAK" was made. The frenchman looks around nervously as the farmer almost wakes up. He sees a cat laying on the floor and quickly says, "MEOW". The farmer falls back asleep, so the frenchman continued to make his way past the farmer to the bedroom. He goes in and has sex with the daughter. After he makes it back to the room, the englishman says, "Well how did it go?" The frenchman says, "She was unbelieveable! and she wants you next! But be careful there is a loose board in the stairs. If you make any noise act like a cat." The english man heads downstairs and sure enough hits the board and quickly says, "MEOW" in order to not wake the farmer. He then makes love to the daughter and goes back upstairs. The polishman is dying to go next. The englishman says, "Remember if you make any noise act like a cat." The polishman runs down the stairs without any caution. Sure enough he hits the stair. Confused, the polishman mutters, "Uh.... it's the cat." The farmer jumps up, grabs the shotgun, and screams, "I'm gunna shoot yo ass." The daughter comes running out of her bedroom naked, pleading not to shoot the gentlemen. The farmer looks at his darling daughters face, agrees and says, "OK I won't shoot you guys but for your punishment, each of you are going to go out to the shed and pick a fruit for me to shove up yo ass!" The frenchman goes and comes back with a cherry. The englishman goes and comes back with a blueberry. The polishman goes, and as he is coming back, the englishman and the frenchman start laughing. The farmer screams, "What da hell you laughing about! I'm about to shove a fruit in your ass!" They point to the window and say, "HAHA the polishman has a watermelon!"
almost the same joke but i guess yours was a cliff notes version hehe :haha: |
Hey!!!! Grrrs!!!! :haha:
| quote: | Originally posted by variableS
A "cleaner" version...
An Englishman, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze; they are all sentenced to death!
However after many months and with the help of very good, lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment the Sheikh announced "its my first wife's birthday today, and she has, asked me to allow each of' you one wish before your whipping.
The Dutchman was first in line. He thought for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back". This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly, "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even with two pillows he could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said. "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this you may have two wishes.
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful", the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and a powerful man you are also very brave.'' The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
"Tie the Frenchman to my back". |
:stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: |
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| Paula |
a few from a friend's site:
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
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The U.S. Mint is recalling 120 million new State Quarters issued commemorating the State of West Virginia. Apparently the unique design of two dimes and a nickel held together with tape was jamming vending machines and parking meters.
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*obviously this is from a guy's site (stupid mike), but its still funny
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go
to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in
five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes
as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door
to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you
went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the
place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find
some husbands...
First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs
and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's
better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder
what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs,
love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the
ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor this sign read, "These men have high paying jobs,
are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the
housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another
floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high
paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with
the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy
me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further
on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty
and exists only to prove that women are ing impossible to
please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the
stairs."
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
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*and some classic SNL deep thoughts by jack handey
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was
going to take my kids to Disneyland, but instead I drove them
to an old burned-out warehouse.
"Oh, no!" I said. "Disneyland burned down."
They cried and cried, but I think that deep down, they thought
it was a pretty good joke.
---Jack Handy |
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| djdl |
| quote: | Originally posted by Paula
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
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hahahha, they were all really funny. but this one is hilarious |
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| X RichieRich X |
| quote: | Originally posted by anuneventrade
Hey!!!! Grrrs!!!! :haha:
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sorry :toothless :D |
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| Wazup8012 |
A man walks into a bar. He sees a horse at the end of the bar and asks the bartender, "What's with the horse?" The bartender replies, "If you can make my horse laugh I will give you a free shot and $100". The thought this should be easy and walked over to the horse and whispered something in it's ear. The horse started to laugh. He walked back to the astonished bartender, collects his free shot and his money and takes off.
A week goes by. The same man walks into the same bar, and see the same horse at the end of the bar. So he asaks the bartender, "Whats's the deal with the horse?" The bbartender replies, "If you can make my horse cry I will give you a free shot and $100". The thoughgt this was easy as well. So he walked over to the horse, whispered something in his ear. The horse cried once again. So, the man walked towards the bartender, collected the free shot and his money. As the man was walking out the door the bartender asked, "How did you do it? I mean you came in a week ago and made my horse laugh, and now you come in again a week latere and make my horse cry. How did you do it?" The man decided to tell him and said, "First, I told your horse that I had a bigger dick than him. Then I showed him." |
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