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Serious question concerning failed relationships
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| Zharen |
Alright, thought I'd post a serious thread for a change. So I've been seeing this girl for the past 3 weeks and I fell head over heels with her. She was the reserved type who already had a lot of emotional baggage with her but she was both tough, nice and friendly. We first started out as friends and the attraction started to grow steadily. Unlike my previous experiences with women, this one actually showed a romantic interest in me. I could tell that everytime I looked in her eyes. All my friends were telling me that I'd be right for her, we'd make a great couple, just play my cards right and we'd hook up. So that's what I did, I played my cards, but I ended up losing yet again. And it was puzzling, cuz I did everything right. I was caring, I was humorous, she commented that I was a good kisser, and I gave her the time of day. And yet, she couldn't bear to get into a serious relationship with me. She told me some deep stuff about how she was, and about the stuff that happened to her back in the days, personal stuff, but basically she said she couldn't be with me because she was afraid she might actually become content and settle down. Sounds really ludicrous doesn't it? I didn't get it either, and the girl hardly made an effort to explain herself. But she said she couldn't be with anyone right now. She still needed more time. Yeah...sure...why I actually believed that I don't know. I had a girl pull a lie to me along the lines like that a while ago. And yet I still bought it...with some doubts this time around though.
But it wasn't a few days afterwards that as I had predicted, I was hearing stuff from my other friends saying she was already seeing some one else. A day after that, they were saying she was now this guy's boyfriend. As you can tell, I was angry. Here I had tried to give her everything a woman desired from a man, and not only did she reject it, but she flat out lied to me. But I decided to give her one last chance to come clean. I wanted an explanation. It would bring some closure to this entire fruitless ordeal. So I called her about a week and half after we had stopped seeing each other. I told her how I felt. That I felt that she had mislead me and hurt me, but I'd be willing to get past that. She then retorted that I had two choices: to either get over it and stay friends with her, or stay mad at her forever and never talk to her again. I then asked that I just wanted an explanation over this. That I deserved one, or at least, if she was really my friend, that she do me a favor and explain herself to me. She couldn't explain anything. She said she didn't know how it happened it just did. Yeah sure, in less than a week. But I was more upset with the fact that she didn't even try. She then said that her boyfriend was waiting for her and was going to hang up. I said good-luck with your life then, and hung up.
So what I'm asking the rest of you guys is this. If you're in a situation similar to this, where you like the girl and you're convinced that the girl likes you back, but then suddenly ignores you and gets with someone else, do you think that they should at the very least give you an honest explanation over what happened, after all that wasted time you spent with them. Or that if the girl truly wants to stay as your friend, be friggin' nice and civil and give you one anyway? I mean I know how rarely these relationships work out, and I know girls will lie, but don't we at least deserve why we weren't picked? I mean , on the bright side of things, it would serve as constructive criticism for us so we'd know what part we ed up on and manage to fix it the next time we go courting a girl. So this is a question I want to discuss. And women feel free to comment on this too. Just also try to imagine if it was you at the other end. |
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| kr00t0n |
From previous experiences, both my own and my friends, it would seem that sometimes women (and men I am sure) arent certain what they want, and it isnt something they can rationally explain.
Its annoying I know, but there isnt really anything that can be done about it, people are how they are.
Just be happy that she didnt lead you on and cheat behind your back or something, as that woulda been alot worse, plus it was only a 3 week deal, its the over a year ones that really hurt. |
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| torontotrance |
Yup, anything over 6 months just bite
3 weeks still do a lot of damage but I guess you are young and you got a lot of time. I stayed out of dating for years on purpose because I did not want to date tripe and then about 6 weeks ago, I changed my tune because I found the one. I'm taking it slowly tho, I hate to rush anything but my g.f Hillary is extremely happy with Andy, so its all good. I say take your time, pick your spots and love will come when you least expect it, I know that happened to me. |
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| Floorfiller |
| never get involved with anyone with emotional baggage...you're just wasting your time. all they do is cause you un needed pain, when you could be out there ing every stupid soroity girl that walks through the door of a club, but instead you're too caught up in this girls bull. she's not gonna change...just get used to the fact that you can't be with someone who is unavailable emotionally and if you can't accept that you are in for a long, painful, failed attempt at a relationship. |
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| girllovingtvibe |
| quote: | Originally posted by kr00t0n
From previous experiences, both my own and my friends, it would seem that sometimes women (and men I am sure) arent certain what they want, and it isnt something they can rationally explain.
Its annoying I know, but there isnt really anything that can be done about it, people are how they are.
Just be happy that she didnt lead you on and cheat behind your back or something, as that woulda been alot worse, plus it was only a 3 week deal, its the over a year ones that really hurt. |
so agreed - perhaps it just was not working out and she is not interested in you in that way anymore. it happens - I know first hand...She was honest with you and that is NUMBER 1 important... |
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| Eric Siefer |
this sounds familiar lol..
After going through all the stages, (anger, denial.. etc..).. well atleast it seemed that way. I've come to this conclusion.
Just let it go, you're probably like me in the instance that I took more time than I should have looking for an explanation, and trying to win her back.
Explanations are pointless to try and get, in the end its probably not the explanation you would want to hear anyway, so it's better just not to know.
scrap it up to ty timing/bad choice, and move on to the next chiquita.... |
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| Halcyon+On+On |
I'm sorry to hear what happened to you, but you must understand why. That's just at the pinnacle of every guy's list when they are brushed to the side. The very sad part is, most probably never even get an explanation. Perhaps it has something to do with our perception on the matter though - perhaps we are looking at the role as a boyfriend as some sort of duty to be acknowledged- a task, a job, maybe even a career. When people get fired, they ask why (even though most probably know exactly why, or are told exactly why :p ). This is not dissimilar to a relationships because, as the male of the species is often raised, a job is an identity. Men define themselves through action and the inquisitive, modern man questions his consequence. When you give your heart to another, regardless of how long you have been with them, you share part of yourself, part of your identity, with them - you define yourself through this person, you have consciously decided that you want to love them; it may seem like falling head over heels for someone is out of your control, but logical understanding of this phenomenon will indicate that you only ever feel what you want to feel - it is completely in your control. Which brings us to asking why - was I not good enough? Romantically? In bed? Did I not whisper sweet nothings into your ear often enough? How can I improve myself?
You will only ever be content with the answer when you have realized that loving somebody does not require a ing application. It is not something to put on your resume, and there are no promotons. You are not entitled to a full report on your performance at the end and there is rarely time for suggestions. You just move on - keeping in mind, however deep, that what two people shared with one another never truly goes away until both consciously dismiss it. You eventually convince yourself that you are over it, even if it takes you 10 more relationships to overcome, and you just live your life for yourself. What more can you do? As much as you would like to change her and change the situation, you can only change yourself and how you react. What can I say? That's life - that's part of the sour that makes the sweet all the much more enjoyable. I'm learning this just as much as you probably are, and it's not any easier to overcome when you try to think it out logically.
Feelings are such fickle things - they seem impenetrable one day and rust away from under you the next. Just realize that like this happens to everybody, and those who succeed from such consequences are those who choose to better themselves accordingly. That is, looking at what they felt they did wrong, and improving from there. You're never going to get a formal answer, so you must create your own considering as much as you can about the situation and yourself. Therein lies the true answer to every question you ever had. |
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| Floorfiller |
| quote: | Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On
I'm sorry to hear what happened to you, but you must understand why. That's just at the pinnacle of every guy's list when they are brushed to the side. The very sad part is, most probably never even get an explanation. Perhaps it has something to do with our perception on the matter though - perhaps we are looking at the role as a boyfriend as some sort of duty to be acknowledged- a task, a job, maybe even a career. When people get fired, they ask why (even though most probably know exactly why, or are told exactly why :p ). This is not dissimilar to a relationships because, as the male of the species is often raised, a job is an identity. Men define themselves through action and the inquisitive, modern man questions his consequence. When you give your heart to another, regardless of how long you have been with them, you share part of yourself, part of your identity, with them - you define yourself through this person, you have consciously decided that you want to love them; it may seem like falling head over heels for someone is out of your control, but logical understanding of this phenomenon will indicate that you only ever feel what you want to feel - it is completely in your control. Which brings us to asking why - was I not good enough? Romantically? In bed? Did I not whisper sweet nothings into your ear often enough? How can I improve myself?
You will only ever be content with the answer when you have realized that loving somebody does not require a ing application. It is not something to put on your resume, and there are no promotons. You are not entitled to a full report on your performance at the end and there is rarely time for suggestions. You just move on - keeping in mind, however deep, that what two people shared with one another never truly goes away until both consciously dismiss it. You eventually convince yourself that you are over it, even if it takes you 10 more relationships to overcome, and you just live your life for yourself. What more can you do? As much as you would like to change her and change the situation, you can only change yourself and how you react. What can I say? That's life - that's part of the sour that makes the sweet all the much more enjoyable. I'm learning this just as much as you probably are, and it's not any easier to overcome when you try to think it out logically.
Feelings are such fickle things - they seem impenetrable one day and rust away from under you the next. Just realize that like this happens to everybody, and those who succeed from such consequences are those who choose to better themselves accordingly. That is, looking at what they felt they did wrong, and improving from there. You're never going to get a formal answer, so you must create your own considering as much as you can about the situation and yourself. Therein lies the true answer to every question you ever had. |
you're reading too much into this...if she isn't interested...she's obvously a lesbian |
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| Halcyon+On+On |
| quote: | Originally posted by Floorfiller
you're reading too much into this...if she isn't interested...she's obvously a lesbian |
Which makes her even hotter! :wtf: |
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| Floorfiller |
| quote: | Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On
Which makes her even hotter! :wtf: |
damn this vicious cycle :stongue: |
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| Orbax |
You want an explanation?! YOU CANT HANDLE THE EXPLANATION!!
women are ing NUTS. There is logic. Then there is their perception. That which is contrary to logic and believed to be reality is insanity!!!
also, here is the harsh reality: When you stop being friends with someone it isnt what they have done, or what they didnt do. It is who they are.
Read that again
When you stop being friends with someone it isnt what they have done, or what they didnt do. It is because of who they are.
Now that being said, do you WANT to be liked by some two timing lying bitch? Let her new "boyfriend" deal with her . How about going around until you meet a girl who actually tells you stuff, lets you know what shes thinkin and feeling. Someone honest and honorable enough to tell you that she is interest...hell even if she was cool enough to tell you its over, thats a load better than what your little ex-slut just told you.
anyway. There are people that you should be worried about liking you. and every other cockface can go suck on a lemon :) |
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| kr00t0n |
| quote: | Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On
Which brings us to asking why - was I not good enough? Romantically? In bed? Did I not whisper sweet nothings into your ear often enough? How can I improve myself?
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this is the killer, coz often there isnt anything that you've done, and many people spend so much time trying to figure out what they did worng, or what they should have done differently, and it eats you up inside, until you realise that doing all that is a waste of time and energy and you get on with your life. |
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