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A brief guide to following an English national sporting team.
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| töbias |
Today class we will examine the beast commonly referred to as the English National Sporting Team. The sport in question is irrelevant as the behaviour of the English population, and the end result, tend to be the same accross the wide spectrum of sports whether we are talking football, cricket, tennis, swimming, handball or marbles.
I like English people and this guide should help anybody travelling to England, or hanging out with English people, to understand and offer sufficient support to the roller coaster of emotion that is inevitable as a fan of an English national sporting team.
Firstly, a definition of the term 'choke' for those of you not familar: choke -- (fail to perform adequately due to tension or agitation; "The team should have won hands down but choked, disappointing the coach and the audience")
Step 1 - The Momentum Begins.
A win for an English national team is an unusual event that generates considerable attention when it occurs. Front page in the papers result, 10 minute stories on the news, stories from alcoholic fathers of their great days playing the sport and sales of the shirt worn increasing by 10,000%.
The opposition in question is a non-issue and not a diserning factor, and remember only one win is required for this snowball to begin rolling.
If you meet an English person in 'Step 1' the best thing to do is pat them on the back, and tell them that one day that team could be a champion team. Free beer is guaranteed.
Step 2 - Unrivalled Amounts of Hype & Excitement.
If the national team in question is able to string together 3 or more wins, the pain given to the rest of the world reaches the intolerable stage. Quite like the annoying child that won't shut up about winning a 3rd grade spelling competition, the rest of the world's population grimaces.
Along with calling this team the 'Best Ever', 'Ready to knock off the world champions', 'going to take the trophy home', a Jesus is chosen from the team to be the saviour and king. The quality of opposition (we could be talking beating an under-15s female team here) and reasons why (it could be 11 playing 5) are irrelevant.
For an example of 'Step 2', look here: http://www.tranceaddict.com/forums/...threadid=233613
If you manage to meet an English person fully wrapped in 'Step 2' type celebrations, firstly, ask them to stop humping your leg, secondly, clean your leg, and then lastly encourage them to sell their house to watch the team beat the world in the flesh.
Step 3 - The Classic English Choke.
Analogies are impossible to fully describe the entertainment of an English Choke in full motion. The English choke is special, its meaningful, its passionate, its dramatic, there is nothing on earth like it. But lets have a look at some real life football examples.
1996 European Championships - Who can forget Gareth Southgate's penalty miss against Germany? Thats not choking, thats drinking the whole pool. :haha: :haha:
1998 World Cup - Who can forget David Batty's penalty miss against Argentina? Where have I seen this before? The concept of a ball in the net seems a difficult one to teach :haha: :haha: :haha:
2000 European Championships - I can't write anything better than this analysis: "Needing just a draw against Romania to make the next stage the game was at two all when Phil Neville committed England suicide with a poor challenge in the dying seconds, giving away a penalty. It was converted and England travelled home with their heads held rightfully low." :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: The funniest part was this choke was at home. :haha: :haha:
2002 World Cup - Leading Brasil 1-0, they choked again, but at least this time it was against decent opposition.
2004 European Championships - Oh, Oh, I'm laughing before I can even write this down. Did anybody watch David Beckham's penalty attempt? I use the word 'attempt' extremely lightly. :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
If you meet someone in 'Step 2' the best thing to do is laugh, point your finger and yell the name of the person most responsible for the choke loudly while doing a dance similar to that known as the 'chicken dance'.
Step 4 - Depression, Dispair and the feeling of 'Guttedness'.
Gotta feel sorry for the English people at this stage.
Having flown halfway around the world to support their team and in the name of the white flag with the red star thing started riots, annoyed innocent civilians, experienced extreme sunburn and drunk 12 litres of alcohol per person per day they see the famous 'choke' in the flesh and consider suicide.
If you cross paths with a Step 4 Englishman or woman make sure they don't cry on your t-shirt, and ensure they aren't carrying a handgun. As much as they are used to losing the English are brought up to believe that because they invented sports they can actually play them. Don't share in their delusion and offer to buy their national team shirt and flag for a combined price of approx $2.00, they will need the money to get home remember.
I hope this special guide is of use to you people out there unsure of how to deal with an English sports fan, they are quite a special breed that require special attention, and if you happen to be in the right place at the right time you will get a life-time of laughs. |
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| raveed |
| quote: | Originally posted by töbias
2000 European Championships - I can't write anything better than this analysis: "Needing just a draw against Romania to make the next stage the game was at two all when Phil Neville committed England suicide with a poor challenge in the dying seconds, giving away a penalty. It was converted and England travelled home with their heads held rightfully low." :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: The funniest part was this choke was at home. :haha: :haha:
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tis comment just goes to show that your facts are as accurate as this post(although it is true till a certain extent;)
it was GARY and not philip neville who committed that penalty and the 2000 european championships were held in the Netherlands and Belgium not england(that was the 1996 championships .... but obviously you would want to have as little memories about the 2000 championships as possible because it may be funny that england conceded a last minute penalty to get knocked out, Germany ensured they wouldnt get themselves into such a funny position by securing a mere point from the 3 group matches which lucky for you was a disgrace and not funny |
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| razmataz |
| quote: | Originally posted by töbias
Today class we will examine the beast commonly referred to as the English National Sporting Team. The sport in question is irrelevant as the behaviour of the English population, and the end result, tend to be the same accross the wide spectrum of sports whether we are talking football, cricket, tennis, swimming, handball or marbles.
I like English people and this guide should help anybody travelling to England, or hanging out with English people, to understand and offer sufficient support to the roller coaster of emotion that is inevitable as a fan of an English national sporting team.
Firstly, a definition of the term 'choke' for those of you not familar: choke -- (fail to perform adequately due to tension or agitation; "The team should have won hands down but choked, disappointing the coach and the audience")
Step 1 - The Momentum Begins.
A win for an English national team is an unusual event that generates considerable attention when it occurs. Front page in the papers result, 10 minute stories on the news, stories from alcoholic fathers of their great days playing the sport and sales of the shirt worn increasing by 10,000%.
The opposition in question is a non-issue and not a diserning factor, and remember only one win is required for this snowball to begin rolling.
If you meet an English person in 'Step 1' the best thing to do is pat them on the back, and tell them that one day that team could be a champion team. Free beer is guaranteed.
Step 2 - Unrivalled Amounts of Hype & Excitement.
If the national team in question is able to string together 3 or more wins, the pain given to the rest of the world reaches the intolerable stage. Quite like the annoying child that won't shut up about winning a 3rd grade spelling competition, the rest of the world's population grimaces.
Along with calling this team the 'Best Ever', 'Ready to knock off the world champions', 'going to take the trophy home', a Jesus is chosen from the team to be the saviour and king. The quality of opposition (we could be talking beating an under-15s female team here) and reasons why (it could be 11 playing 5) are irrelevant.
For an example of 'Step 2', look here: http://www.tranceaddict.com/forums/...threadid=233613
If you manage to meet an English person fully wrapped in 'Step 2' type celebrations, firstly, ask them to stop humping your leg, secondly, clean your leg, and then lastly encourage them to sell their house to watch the team beat the world in the flesh.
Step 3 - The Classic English Choke.
Analogies are impossible to fully describe the entertainment of an English Choke in full motion. The English choke is special, its meaningful, its passionate, its dramatic, there is nothing on earth like it. But lets have a look at some real life football examples.
1996 European Championships - Who can forget Gareth Southgate's penalty miss against Germany? Thats not choking, thats drinking the whole pool. :haha: :haha:
1998 World Cup - Who can forget David Batty's penalty miss against Argentina? Where have I seen this before? The concept of a ball in the net seems a difficult one to teach :haha: :haha: :haha:
2000 European Championships - I can't write anything better than this analysis: "Needing just a draw against Romania to make the next stage the game was at two all when Phil Neville committed England suicide with a poor challenge in the dying seconds, giving away a penalty. It was converted and England travelled home with their heads held rightfully low." :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: The funniest part was this choke was at home. :haha: :haha:
2002 World Cup - Leading Brasil 1-0, they choked again, but at least this time it was against decent opposition.
2004 European Championships - Oh, Oh, I'm laughing before I can even write this down. Did anybody watch David Beckham's penalty attempt? I use the word 'attempt' extremely lightly. :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
If you meet someone in 'Step 2' the best thing to do is laugh, point your finger and yell the name of the person most responsible for the choke loudly while doing a dance similar to that known as the 'chicken dance'.
Step 4 - Depression, Dispair and the feeling of 'Guttedness'.
Gotta feel sorry for the English people at this stage.
Having flown halfway around the world to support their team and in the name of the white flag with the red star thing started riots, annoyed innocent civilians, experienced extreme sunburn and drunk 12 litres of alcohol per person per day they see the famous 'choke' in the flesh and consider suicide.
If you cross paths with a Step 4 Englishman or woman make sure they don't cry on your t-shirt, and ensure they aren't carrying a handgun. As much as they are used to losing the English are brought up to believe that because they invented sports they can actually play them. Don't share in their delusion and offer to buy their national team shirt and flag for a combined price of approx $2.00, they will need the money to get home remember.
I hope this special guide is of use to you people out there unsure of how to deal with an English sports fan, they are quite a special breed that require special attention, and if you happen to be in the right place at the right time you will get a life-time of laughs. |
Please tell me you copy/pasted that. Otherwise, I would advise you to get off your computer more often- something going on outside called 'a life'. ;) |
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| razmataz |
| quote: | Originally posted by raveed
tis comment just goes to show that your facts are as accurate as this post(although it is true till a certain extent;)
it was GARY and not philip neville who committed that penalty and the 2000 european championships were held in the Netherlands and Belgium not england(that was the 1996 championships .... but obviously you would want to have as little memories about the 2000 championships as possible because it may be funny that england conceded a last minute penalty to get knocked out, Germany ensured they wouldnt get themselves into such a funny position by securing a mere point from the 3 group matches which lucky for you was a disgrace and not funny |
I beg to differ, it was that dope Phil! |
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| RubiK Cube |
| Ever heard of Rugby Union? |
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| Az |
| quote: | Originally posted by RubiK Cube
Ever heard of Rugby Union? |
:stongue: |
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| Michael19 |
| chirs waddles attempt in 1990 should of really been mentioned in step 3 aswell |
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| töbias |
| quote: | Originally posted by RubiK Cube
Ever heard of Rugby Union? |
35 Years, 200 sports, 1 trophy.
Hey you guys are really on a roll! |
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| Az |
| quote: | Originally posted by töbias
35 Years, 200 sports, 1 trophy.
Hey you guys are really on a roll! |
forgetting ahes tournaments we've won in the past 35 years? considering the disarray of english cricket, and the fact we can only play 4 months a year, not half bad
how many major football competitions have australia even qualified for in the last 35 years?
see you in the summer at trent bridge sweetheart :) |
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| töbias |
| quote: | Originally posted by Az
forgetting ahes tournaments we've won in the past 35 years? considering the disarray of english cricket, and the fact we can only play 4 months a year, not half bad
how many major football competitions have australia even qualified for in the last 35 years?
see you in the summer at trent bridge sweetheart :) |
Oh yeah, the Ashes, how could I forget?
You guys are on fire there, the last 15 years especially:
1989 June 1989 - August 1989 64th Australia 4 - 0 (2 Drawn)
1990/91 November 1990 - February 1991 65th Australia 3 - 0 (2 Drawn)
1993 June 1993 - August 1993 66th Australia 4 - 1 (1 Drawn)
1994/95 November 1994 - February 1995 67th Australia 3 - 1 (1 Drawn)
1997 June 1997 - August 1997 68th Australia 3 - 2 (1 Drawn)
1998/99 November 1998 - January 1999 69th Australia 3 - 1 (1 Drawn)
2001 July 2001 - August 2001 70th Australia 4 - 1 (0 Drawn)
2002/3 November 2002 - January 2003 71st Australia 4 - 1 (0 Drawn)
I look forward to seeing you at Trent Bridge, hopefully our Aussies can beat the Ashes ground record, we won't ask who holds that one hey? |
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| zig |
AHA...so its a cricket thread dressed up as a anti English football thread written by a German Australian..the plot deepens;)
ow yeah your origional idea about English football and England supporters being like chrildren.....do you not spot the irony in your last couple of posts:D |
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| töbias |
| quote: | Originally posted by zig
AHA...so its a cricket thread dressed up as a anti English football thread written by a German Australian..the plot deepens;)
ow yeah your origional idea about English football and England supporters being like chrildren.....do you not spot the irony in your last couple of posts:D |
Lay off the conspiracy stories I'm just a nice guy trying to improve the image of English people world side and examine their role in today's society.
As for the child quib, well its all about maturity really. |
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