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When independence seems to be a problem (pg. 2)
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| dj tek |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lira
Aaaaww... I group hug :D
Sure.
She says it's frustrating because even though I'm often saying I need her around me, she says my actions give her the impression that I could do everything on my own if I wanted to.
For example, we wanted to make a website together. 2 years ago, we bought a domain and started working on it. She was quite busy - we even though we tried to find some free time so we could study web design and programming together. Meanwhile, I learnt some basic stuff about server side scripting, and took a few courses on graphic design.
Now, I'm doing my final project on "language teaching and artificial intelligence", and she says it hurts her because she feels she didn't help. But I did ask for help, and she gave me ideas all the time :(
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seems to me you just need to take one for the team. take a little more effort to reach out to her, even though in reality, you dont quite need assistance, act like you do, yes, its not 100% truthful, but in certain situations some white lies can be beneficial.
she wants to feel that on certain things she was able to help you reach the result of satisifaction, especially if its a project that involved the both of you. females are just a little more delicate, and always need reassurance, youll be fine lira. :p |
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| Marc Summers |
| quote: | Originally posted by DJ Mikey Mike
Your girlfriend is jealous that she cannot pick things up as quickly. She sounds like an idiot. |
/thread! |
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| distant |
| Your girl seems like a right twat. |
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| Lilith |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lira
I wonder whether I'm having my first cultural shock with Japanese culture... either that or I'm doing something very wrong here :( |
As best as I remember working with Japanese, individuals are sometimes seen as being 'selfish' in Japanese culture to some extent, (I think this wouldn't be so much of a problem in a few generations from now) but the sense of self empowerment with most Japanese is to work with the group rather than run off doing things in an unconventional way- Even if you succeed!
Another thing to be very careful of is that you explain yourself, what your doing and who you are in a manner that is very crystal clear, they don't like things they can't put in a little box in the back of their mind as being 'this is how it is'.
No fuzzy grey areas, no round-about ways of doing things and no reading between the lines!
Think of it as not so much as the westernised 'tall poppy syndrome' where it's more of a case of jealousy when people deride those that are successful, but more to the point that something sticking out should be put into it's place before someone trips over it :)
So, stop taking it personally that they're out to get you, they just see the problem is you, not your threat to their jobs or position. But you are challenging their authority...
You're a student. Your role in Japanese society is to be the listener and you must defer to the speaker who is in this case, the teacher.
(Short version- you're the bitch for now :p)
If you take up the position translating and teaching in Japan, you'll find that role is reversed with the people you're talking too and you'll be allowed that bit of individualism which your friends recognise as greatness.
The worst thing you could do though is to approach this in a typically aggressive western manner of 'sticking up for yourself' otherwise you'll end up with cranky Japanese women and they're not much fun.
My employer at the time a few years ago thought I'd be good for teaching Japanese how to sell stuff because I was short, fairly mild mannered and generally inoffensive. Where I ran into trouble teaching people about things was on a number of levels, mostly the fact that all things considered, I'm a formidable individual and have been very independent since an early age. So instructing people as individuals rather than a group caused a bit of a re-think of how to do things, the second problem was that I basically didn't fit into anyone's idea of what the hell I was supposed to be and that came down to a mix of being fairly multicultural in terms of upbringing and background, not quite white, not quite asiatic and they spent most of their time trying to curiously figure out what the hell I was more than paying any attention to what I was saying! :whip:
Simply, there is no easy fix to this Lira.
You can either sit in the conventional box with everyone else and being a good student, or you can lie your ass off and try and pretend you're being a good student by sitting in the box doing your own thing and not making a fuss! :haha: |
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| Halcyon+On+On |
From my understanding, asian cultures tend to be far more...hmm...social? Like, as opposed to western cultures, there is less "reward" for being independent and setting oneself apart from the group (even though you may possess cognitive abilities that set you much higher and much farther from others). It's not necessarily that every Asian person wants everybody to conform and be the same, but it's just a cultural phenomenon that they more readily accept those who are more dependent on others in order to form a greater society of interdependence. It sounds to me like you aren't exactly conforming to this eastern precept, so people whom this is ingrained in will see you as uncaring and negligent.
As for the chairman, she probably does see you as "out of control". I bet she is an older woman, yeah? And she has been studying this field all of her life? Of course she is reticent to give her support to somebody who doesn't seem to do things "by the book" - that's probably the way that she has always done it and she was also likely raised to be a very diligent and courteous student and, if what you are saying is true, she doesn't really see the same traits in you (also perhaps the interdependence thing). She sees a future in you that involves merely results, not necessarily preservation of the process which she has known all her life and that can be a scary thing to some people. They see everything they have worked so hard for all of their life dissolved by some pretentious kid who thinks he's pretty damn smart, and even more frightening a thought: he might just be.
Perhaps your "style" of study is your own and it certainly gets results for you (as I happen to think that you are an immensely intelligent guy), but others might see somebody who is reckless - somebody who can learn facts, but still not truly understand the essence of the very society that you are striving to ingrain yourself within. Maybe they want to see you assimilated, maybe you don't really want this to happen, but I guess maybe it's just a matter of making sure that you see others' perspectives in this instance - or at least assuring them that you see where they are coming from. |
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| Lira |
Well, I think both Tae and Mike have very good points here (even though Mike's was post was a lot more direct :p).
In that particular case, maybe I could try harder to, as he said, take one more to the team. I did tell her how much I'd like to have her help, and all that, but I've always avoided being "bossy". I'll try a more direct approach, so to speak.
But I suspect there's some truth in Mike's remark regarding her jealousy. But, insecurity is a better word - but isn't insecurity something common?
When we started going out, she was afraid there could be some competition between the two of us. I told her this was non-sense, to me, because you can't compete against someone on the same team. I've always been quite happy for her success - she's now a lecturer at my university, and she speaks Japanese almost like a native.
However, she oftens says she feels small near me, and I believe the reason behind this is because she underestimates her own potential. She often tries to make me feel bad, probably because that makes her realise I'm "human" too... but I wish we could work that out as a couple, instead of just leaving her. In spite of this problem, she does have her qualities (such as being honest and quite open-minded), and she's a keeper :p |
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| Lira |
| (just read Lilith's and Halcyon's replies... hold on :p) |
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| StanVoid |
| lol your girlfriend is jealous cuz you're smarter. |
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| DJ Mikey Mike |
Cool. Let's see how many more times we can repeat that point using different words.  |
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| StanVoid |
| quote: | Originally posted by DJ Mikey Mike
Cool. Let's see how many more times we can repeat that point using different words. |
didn't bother to read previous replies.
and plus it sounds like his girlfriend is just jealous that she's not as successful of a student as Lira is. |
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| Konijn |
perhaps your inclination toward independent study comes off as arrogance toward formal systems of learning -- which is always a negative when trying to score fellowships (part of the deal is learning to play the game if you want $$)
independent and ad-hoc curricula can be of great value to certain students as long as some skeletal framework of guidance is in effect. after all, if you can learn everything you need on your own, why bother with school and professors?
i dealt with an asian student on a fulbright this semester, and while he was incredibly bright, his approach to the social sciences was very rigid and instrumental, something i assumed had to do with his culture and schooling.
the more you pursue academics, the more you'll find that departmental politics and interpersonal strictures come into play, a tendency that is probably magnified among the social proprieties of the far east. |
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| dj tek |
of course its not fair to judge anyone, let alone a gf of a ta whom ive never met so my previous post was made giving her the benefit of the doubt. based on my personal experiences of how women tend to behave.
at the same time, her actions could have sprung from typical case of jeolasy as many ppl on this thread has claimed, or something could have affected her subconsciously due to lack of communicating on her end or vice versa. the real reason no one will know except yourself by talking to her about it. good luck ~ |
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