Originally posted by Lagrangian
And yet another thread from ORANGESTO!
meriter
this is my go-to video for anyone having relationship problems. It's less subtle than watching nature shows and less embarrassing than reading the celestine prophecy
FuzzQi
quote:
Originally posted by OrangestO
As a first-timer in a serious relationship
stopped reading
Titanium
How did you do it man? I have struggled to get into a relationship with every attempt I've tried I have failed :/
Richard Butler
I heard this shrink say that often a good relationship depends on one party being quite a bit more subservient and easy going. Of course the ideal is where you both have the same outlook, the same conditions of worth and so on so that arguments don't arise but I'd say that's a rare relationship type.
One thing I find useful is to say this to myself >> "is it better to be right, or better to be loved". This doesn;t mean you always bite the bullet and stay quiet, but it's a constant reminder sayin 'do I really need to win this one, why not just let it go, it's meaningless really anyway'.
Richard Butler
quote:
Originally posted by Titanium
How did you do it man? I have struggled to get into a relationship with every attempt I've tried I have failed :/
You'll likely find this is to do with your personality type and the way your parents were.
Something I often say is a person brings an argument to a space, where another person facing just the same thing would not bring that argument. So I say try every day to practice at being that laid back surfer, let go over your head. Not easy but can work over time.
jester
Looney4Clooney
Ya ignoring issues that are a problem is an awful strategy. You need to define boundaries in terms of how you argue , what is ok, what isn't. Being passive as Richard suggest's will only harbor feelings of disrespect which you don't manifest in a visible manner. But it will get out one way or another and it is probably more toxic in the long run.
My advice would be to see a therapist if the relationship means anything to you.
Lira
quote:
Originally posted by FuzzQi
stopped reading
Why? There are loads of TA's on successful first relationships, including me and Wienerschnitzel (if I recall correctly).
OrangestO
quote:
Originally posted by Richard Butler
So I say try every day to practice at being that laid back surfer, let go over your head. Not easy but can work over time.
Totally agree.
At the beginning of my relationship I felt I had to defend everything. As time has gone on, I've learned to let slide. It's still hard for me to be that "laid back surfer" when my personality and the way I was raised is contrary to this, but I'm definitely working toward that sort of mentality. Not just exclusively in my relationship, but every day life in general. But yes, much harder said than done, sometimes.
Either the relationship wins or you both lose, so it's not worth trying fight it any further beyond stating your points and listening to one another's opinions on the subject at hand. Instead of being the vocal one, I've tried to be more of the listener and adjust accordingly without jeopardizing my own stance.
With that said, I've learned more about myself - strengths and weaknesses - through my relationship than all of the other hardships and experiences I've endured. Whether we live on together to our deaths or not, I'll always cherish the things I've learned about myself (and women in general) through her.
Looney4Clooney
letting slide is just another term for keeping what bothers you inside. It isn't an effective way to deal with it and it will eat you from inside. You will both just harbour this level of contempt and that is much more damaging than outright arguments. It turns into a series of mind games where you cant prove but you can sense the contempt and it exasperates the issue to the point where they will act out but not to you. So you will not have arguments, but you will find her cheating.....
Unless we are talking about petty like you start yelling because she put the cereal bowls with the soup bowls and the issue is you. But arguments are rarely one sided, and being back isn't going to work in the long run. Laid back in the sense that you are keeping your thoughts to yourself.
I would go see a therapist if this is an issue and you want to keep your relationship. I mean a few sessions would cost you max 500$. You will learn what doesn't work, something Richard mentioned, and things that do.
Lira
No, it isn't. When you let something slide, you can actually just ignore it altogether.
