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["Relationship" thread] Helping an irascible friend
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| Lira |
I realise I don't have to go this far for a friend... but then he wouldn't be a friend, he would be just some random bloke I know. As I really want to help him out, mockery and good ideas alike are welcome :)
Anyway, one of my best mates (let's call him Clark) has got a really bad anger management problem. Other than this, Clark is awesome - he's the kind of person who would go all the way to Zimbabwe to help you out if you need him. But he's as bitter as he's sweet, and if he feels you wronged him (mind you, you don't really have to do anything as long as he reckons you did), hell hath no fury like Clark scorned.
Through him I met scores of other friends, all really nice - and he managed to fall out with every single one of them. Every. Single. One. I'm the last man standing, so to speak. And he figures this is just because people are all lying inconsiderate bastards who have shown "their true nature".
Mind you, he's fallen out with people for numerous reasons, such as:- A female friend telling him she wanted to go to the cinema with him because her girl friends didn't want to (she was making sure she was asking him out as a friend, not as a date, and he figured this meant he was back up plan when all else fails);
- He tends to be infatuated with pretty much every girl he meets. He used to hang out all the time with a good-looking athlete, and the girls tended to fall for him instead. So, every other week or so, Clark would call "dibs" on some girl they both met, this athlete would let him give it a try, and then get the girl after Clark's rejection (Clark would never acknowledge the girl wasn't interested, thus claiming the athlete "stole" the girl - something I told him is nonsense because it's up for the girl to decide anyway);
- He also fell out with people who sided with the athlete because, let's face it, you get "dibs" on front seat, not "dibs" on first shag - he claims this is irrelevant because whoever disagrees with him failed "on his test to see who really is his friend".
In a way, everyone else fell out with him because they'd try to appease him when he was angry (thus validating Clark's views that they did something wrong that they should really feel sorry for), as opposed to my "Man the hell up, will you?" approach and ignoring him for a week in case this doesn't work.
In short, telling him to stop being such a twat doesn't work. Being alone doesn't seem to work either. If anything, it seems he wants to destroy himself, as Clark has had all sorts of health problems due to his temper... hell, I won't let him drive when I'm in the car because he nearly got us killed twice in a fit of road rage.
Anyone ever had to deal with someone like this? Did you do anything other than just leave? |
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| Halcyon+On+On |
| Sounds as though Clark just needs some visible tattoos, then people will take him seriously. |
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| Scoops |
Lock Clark in a room with a blow-up doll....
that might be the only piece that doesn't reject him |
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| AlphaStarred |
I have a friend - who I still consider a friend - who's lost all his friends and became somewhat of a disgrace to his family because he started popping pills - benzos and such - some years ago. We all called him a pill-popping junkie because it was really messing with his behavior and judgement, taking all those pills recreationally. He later became dependent on them and started making up stories of how he needs them for his supposed psychological problems. Despite his shortcomings and druggie behavior, I remained his friend throughout the years, even when we wouldn't hang out for long stretches of time. He's still a good soul, and I think I know him for who he 'truly is,' thus even when I'd tell him he's ruining his life and that he should get his act together, I'd always try to encourage him to stop, and to start getting his straightened out. It never helped, as he's pretty stubborn, but he is who he is, and I'm not going to abandon him like many others have done.
As for your friend, it sounds like he has many insecurities, primarily. Perhaps an inferiority complex? Sounds like he needs to do some introspection, and stop blaming everyone else for his own shortcomings. But yeah, when/if a friend acts like a selfish head, I'd sometimes ignore them for a while, or just tell them straight up what I think. I've had some arguments and falling out with some friends, but occasionally we still meet from time to time, and try to enjoy the time we do spend together, even though it's no longer as frequent as before. But that's life, too...friends usually come and go, some of which you see only from time to time, and a few of which you can truly cherish each other's company, hopefully for a long time. |
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| AlphaStarred |
| quote: | Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On
Sounds as though Clark just needs some visible tattoos, then people will take him seriously. |
lol |
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| Spacey Orange |
| cor version pls |
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| Lira |
| quote: | Originally posted by AlphaStarred
I have a friend - who I still consider a friend - who's lost all his friends and became somewhat of a disgrace to his family because he started popping pills - benzos and such - some years ago. We all called him a pill-popping junkie because it was really messing with his behavior and judgement, taking all those pills recreationally. He later became dependent on them and started making up stories of how he needs them for his supposed psychological problems. Despite his shortcomings and druggie behavior, I remained his friend throughout the years, even when we wouldn't hang out for long stretches of time. He's still a good soul, and I think I know him for who he 'truly is,' thus even when I'd tell him he's ruining his life and that he should get his act together, I'd always try to encourage him to stop, and to start getting his straightened out. It never helped, as he's pretty stubborn, but he is who he is, and I'm not going to abandon him like many others have done. |
I know the feel :(
| quote: | Originally posted by AlphaStarred
As for your friend, it sounds like he has many insecurities, primarily. Perhaps an inferiority complex? Sounds like he needs to do some introspection, and stop blaming everyone else for his own shortcomings. But yeah, when/if a friend acts like a selfish head, I'd sometimes ignore them for a while, or just tell them straight up what I think. I've had some arguments and falling out with some friends, but occasionally we still meet from time to time, and try to enjoy the time we do spend together, even though it's no longer as frequent as before. But that's life, too...friends usually come and go, some of which you see only from time to time, and a few of which you can truly cherish each other's company, hopefully for a long time. |
It's weird for me because I've fallen out with a friend just once (he completely changed after a religious conversion and became a judgemental prick who looked down pretty much everyone who wasn't a fellow male believer of his sect (I lost him at the belief bit).
Anyway, as for my friend, yeah, he's still recovering from a bad break-up from several years ago. According to people who knew him back then, the guy was a womaniser, decided to focus on this one relationship... and he never told me why it didn't work out.
I believe some inferiority complex must be at play here because of his "modus operandi". He once got interested in a mutual friend, asked her out, they went to the cinema together... and then sent me a message saying she shut him down. It surprised me because, to my knowledge, she was interested, so I asked her what happened.
Turns out he never made a move. When he thought of doing something, according to him, she asked him to get some soda - and he took it to be a rejection. When I told her that, she claimed she didn't even remember telling him to get anything, and he definitely didn't do anything "flirty" aside from giving her a rose (despite my advice telling him not to do it). She said Clark just chatted like a friend and kept his distance. And I believe her because he showed me his convos with the girls he fancies on his phone... they're pretty ordinary exchanges I'd have with my own friends, except for the occasional "hey gorgeous" - which makes him look like their gay friend.
I told him that barely counts as flirting, but Clark says he "wants a princess who can be courted subtly like that". Sounds like he's afraid of actually being rejected.
| quote: | Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On
Sounds as though Clark just needs some visible tattoos, then people will take him seriously. |
:stongue:
| quote: | Originally posted by Scoops
Lock Clark in a room with a blow-up doll....
that might be the only piece that doesn't reject him |
:p |
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| srussell0018 |
| quote: | Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On
Sounds as though Clark just needs some visible tattoos, then people will take him seriously. |
Really? |
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| Jon_Snow |
Lol
Btw, Lira you can't "help" other ppl but you knew that anyway. |
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| Halcyon+On+On |
| quote: | Originally posted by srussell0018
Really? |
Yeah, like on the face/neck- it's how you let people know you are a Tru Worrior. |
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| Lilith |
| quote: | Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On
Yeah, like on the face/neck- it's how you let people know you are a Tru Worrior. |
...and big jigga-boo piercings, ears, nose, tongue, lip, eyebrow so he'll never have to worry about a job that involves paying taxes ever again! |
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| Lira |
| quote: | Originally posted by Jon_Snow
Lol
Btw, Lira you can't "help" other ppl but you knew that anyway. |
Sort of, yeah, but there's a difference between knowing that and enabling him/validating his views.
Either way, I had a word with Clark tonight. I told him I was really worried about his most recent streak of falling outs, and that these people meant no harm. He's very good at rationalising and seeing everyone as foes, so it didn't really work... but at least he knows I don't agree with him. At all. If this doesn't resonate with him... well, I did what I could. |
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