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Family Guy (pg. 3)
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| Mebot |
Peter - "Why do women have boobs?"
(male crowd looks on in anticipation)
Peter - "So ya got something to look at when your talkin to them."
(Men Laughs, women walks into room (as men walk away) and says, "Jokes? I like jokes!")
Peter - "Oh yea? Well then youll love this one: Why do women have boobs?"
(Woman gasps, peter goes on)
Peter - "So ya got something to look at when your talkin to them."
(Peter laughs. Woman is silent.)
Peter - "So ya got something to look at when your talkin to them."
(Again, woman is silent as Peter laughs) |
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| montie |
when they move to the deep south:
"mmmmmm you smell like the inside of my momma's purse"
the little girl:
"my daughter would loove you" |
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| Mebot |
Doctor: "Well Rudolph we finally figured out what makes your nose red"
Rudolph: "Is it pixy dust or Leprocaun tails?"
Doctor: "No its a tumor"
Rudolph: "You mean like a magical christmas tumor?"
Doctor: "No a malignant tumor the base of which is lodged deep within your brain"
Rudolph: "Oh... like a happy special- "
Doctor: "Youre going to die."
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UPS Lady: "package for Glen Quagmire."
Quagmire: "Oh, excuse me" (walks back in house, cames back out naked) " I got a package for you too, alllriight."
(Lady sprays him with mace)
Quagmire: "nice try, but I've built up an immunity."
(Lady runs and drives away, Quagmire chasing her) |
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| Endlesswave |
"heheheh, I loveee you she hulk!"
Hotel employee: "I'm sorry sir you can't park you van on the diving board."
Lois: "This is my son"
Hotel Employee: "Oh, my apologies, hey Tom, he's not a van, he's just a fat kid"
Peter: "Don't listen to em chris, I'm goign to go get you a soda"
(Before he walks away he puts a clamp on Chris, I forget the actual name). lol |
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| Mebot |
Chris: (on the telephone) So what are you wearing?...Wow, I bet you could see right through that.
Lois: Who are you talking to Chris?
Chris: Grandma!
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Jesus : And For My Next Trick I Will Turn This Water....INTO FUNK!
(shot turns into a discotheque, Jesus has a fro and is disco dancing)
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Quagmire: "Who wants to play the game drink the beer?"
Peter: "right here!" (Peter takes a sip of his beer)
Quagmire: "You win!"
Peter: "Alright! What do i win?"
Quagmire: "Another beer!"
Peter: "Oh, im going for the high score"
Quagmire: "Well actually Charlie has the high score" (Shows a man with his pants down taking a piss in a clock)
Charlie: "Hey man, your clock wont flush" |
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| montie |
peter: "Thank you God!"
scene changes to God and Seeva up in Heaven
god: "well actually it wasn't me"
Sheeva: "go on its ok, I'm used to it" |
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| Mebot |
Hitler: "If you're going to be in ze Los Angeles area und would like tickets to Hitler call 213-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!"
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Tom: "I 'm the lord Jesus Christ! Think I'll go get drunk after work and beat up some midgets! What about you, Dianne?"
Dianne: "I just plain dont like black people"
(laughs)
Camera man: "Err, we're still on in Boston"
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(Peter falls through the washing machine looking for his sock and lands in the world of Narnia)
Mr. Tumnus: "I'm Mr. Tumnus! Welcome to Naaaarnia!"
(silence)
Peter: "Hey!Give me back my sock, you goat bastard!"
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(Peter and Brian watching Sesame Street)
Peter: "hey... is The Count a vampire?"
Brian: "what?"
Peter: "i mean hes got those fangs...did they ever show him doing somebody in and feedin on them? "
Brian: "let me get this straight....you're asking if they've ever done an episode of sesame street in which The Count kills somebody....and then drinks their blood for sustenance...."
Peter: "yeah"
Brian: "no, i dont think they've ever done that" |
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| Mebot |
Peter: "since when have we ever had problems with communication?"
(FLASHBACK to Lois and Peter watching a sunset)
Lois: (sighs) "oh peter! i love you!"
Peter: "yeah, about a quarter past five"
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Peter: "hey, i got another riddle for ya.....so a woman has 2 children. a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one of them...which one does she let him kill?"
Brian: "peter thats not a riddle ...... thats....... thats just terrible"
Peter: "hahahaha WRONG! the ugly one."
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Peter: "I'd sell my soul to be famous" (scene changes to Hell)
Devil: "I've got a live one! 'Peter Griffin'"
Devil @ computer: "ooo! It says he already sold his soul in '75 for Bee Gees' tickets. And again in '81 for half a malomar!"
Devil: "Damn! Where's a lawer when i need one! (every devil character standing around raises hand) |
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| DasBrotBesser |
OHHHHHHH MAN I've been waiting for a thread about this in so long.
Brian: "Who's leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?!"
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Peter: "I'm looking for a potty-training book."
Salesman: "Well we have the popular 'Everybody Poops' and the less popular 'No One Poops but You.'"
Peter: "Well, see, we're catholic..."
Salesman: "Then you'll want 'You're a naughty, naughty boy, and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you."
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and the kicker...
Peter: "Lois, I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man."
LOL I crack up at that last one at least two or three times a day. He showed her!:D :D :D |
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| djeternal |
peter: Hey aren't you Richard Simmons?
Man: Shut up!
Peter: (points to man next the other man) Arent you Richard Simmons best friend, Richard Simmons? |
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| Galapidate |
The "Black to the Future" montage is mint!
Anyway, some others I like:
Stewie: Ooh, nice ones Jenny! Oh, but look at Samantha's also, and...hmm, seems like my wee-wee's been struck with rigor mortis.
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Peter: See Lois? Now you can live like the piece of shmit you are.
Lois: That's PEWTER-SCHMITT.
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Butler: Master Brian, do you really think you can turn Peter into a sophisticated gentleman by tomorrow?
Brian: Hey it might work, I've pulled miracles before.
/flashback Marisa Tomei wins Oscar |
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| Mebot |
Peter: "Hey Lois, remember the third Harvey boy?
Lois: "There was no third Harvey boy."
Peter: Just like there was no apocalypse? He shoots, he scores!"
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(Andy Capp and his wife begin fighting, whirling through the Drunken Clam in a cloud of dust and punches. Quagmire gets sucked in momentarily and thrown out. Andy Capp and his wife continue fighting)
Quagmire: "Whoa. Did I just get laid?"
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German Tour Guide: "You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided."
Brian: "Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap."
Tour guide: "Everyone vas on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15-"
Brian: "Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and-- "
Tour guide: "Ve vere invited! Punch vas served! Check vit Poland!"
Brian: "You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany."
Tour guide: "Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen."
Brian: "A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous!"
Tour guide: "I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened! Sie werden sich hinsetzen! Sie werden ruhig sein! Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland!" (throws his hand up in a Hitler salute)
Brian: "........uh, is that a beer hall?"
Tour guide: "Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls." |
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