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love hurts, i need advice (pg. 4)
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| Echo of Silence |
| quote: | Originally posted by whiskers
it is worse to get tangled up in your own lies. if you haven't figured where your head is at, take a break, think for a bit. don't go chasing after 2 birds - that saying exists for a reason.
when YOU choose to be in a long distance relationship, YOU choose whether you want to commit to it or not, whether you want to put efforts into it or not. it has nothing to do with giving anyone freedom.
if you say "ok, let's try this long distance thing but you're free to go out with others and enjoy your life" - what is the purpose of your long-distance relationship, then? how can you really enjoy your life when you have this whole "long-distance" splinter in your head? no one wants to be anyone's backup, someone's second choice. so you either commit to it or end it.
and for the whole "meant to be" thing. stupid choices and not accepting responsibilities for your actions can ruin the most solid "meant to be" relationship. and time DOES affect feelings and connections. love, if you think of it that way, usually fades away but what's left is trust, friendship, mutual support, understanding, security, which may or may not get stronger, depending on your efforts. |
omg
i think Whiskers just called me a splinter in his head.
Good grief.
:eyes: |
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| spec |
| quote: | Originally posted by whiskers
it is worse to get tangled up in your own lies. if you haven't figured where your head is at, take a break, think for a bit. don't go chasing after 2 birds - that saying exists for a reason.
when YOU choose to be in a long distance relationship, YOU choose whether you want to commit to it or not, whether you want to put efforts into it or not. it has nothing to do with giving anyone freedom.
if you say "ok, let's try this long distance thing but you're free to go out with others and enjoy your life" - what is the purpose of your long-distance relationship, then? how can you really enjoy your life when you have this whole "long-distance" splinter in your head? no one wants to be anyone's backup, someone's second choice. so you either commit to it or end it.
and for the whole "meant to be" thing. stupid choices and not accepting responsibilities for your actions can ruin the most solid "meant to be" relationship. and time DOES affect feelings and connections. love, if you think of it that way, usually fades away but what's left is trust, friendship, mutual support, understanding, security, which may or may not get stronger, depending on your efforts. |
I'm afraid that if you take this rather immature and inexperienced approach you are bound to get hurt.
The storyline of a long distance relationship usully looks like this:
- 2 people in love, and life throws a reason for one to love away.
- They decide to give the long distance relationship a try.
- They don't realise that having no regular phsyical contact means the relationship is already over.
- The strength of the relationship fades.
- One person ends up dealing with the situation better than the other and begins to enjoy life, the other stays in the past.
- A moment of truth arrives causing pain for all involved.
It should read like this:
- 2 people in love, and life throws a reason for one to love away.
- Both parties make the mature decision to give the other freedom to enjoy life without severe questioning.
- If the two paths cross again then they will give things a try dependent on how life is at the time.
Statistics show that the most successful relationships and lowest divorce rates occur when a couple is seperated for a period of time. In fact the longer the time apart before getting back together the more chance of the relationship never ending the second time around.
Attempting to keep a fully committed relationship without regular phsyical contact pretty much kills the chances of future togetherness due to the inevitable hurt that occurs. |
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| LiquidX |
mmmm This really sucks bro. Even though my situation was not a long distance relationship, it has so many other similar aspects.
The reason why your probably not so close bonded with this new girl, is because you have your ex in your mind and heart as well. You still got feelings for her, and when she tells you that she loves you and all those words, it jsut brakes you in the inside in 4000 pieaces.. I know, Ive gone through that, and it happened when you least expected, just when you thought you were moving on, happily, and baaaammm it happens, you get that one phone call. Well, there are things you must see.
Even though, as it seems, this x of yours, was your first love?.. If so, first loves will always be the most painful to get over with or are the ones you will never forget in a way. You might think it was the end of the world and that you will never fall in love so deeply like you did with that one girl. Well, thats some taugh part of life. You might love someone else very deeply, but may not fall so in love like you did with that one person, some other people do have the chance to fall so so deeply in love again.
I felt that I went through hell when I broke up with my ex, yeah.. we tried to be friends and all, but it was not going to be the same, and it was going to be tough, and the best, best thing to get it over with, was to loose contact for a bit with her, or get away, meet new people and such, cause if not, you will be hunted with her, since the feelings are still there.
From what I read, you guys had a long distance relationship, through phones and stuff, meaning that you barely saw each other, meaning that you guys didnt share as much time together.. therefore, that limits of how much you guys know each other in a way. Since this new girl you just met lives right by, I think you should give it a chance.
Theres the 3rd option that Slylee said. Give yourself a brake, give your attention to work and school instead. But if you dont want, as much as it WILL hurt, you could try this things with this new girl, but then again, it will not be fair for her if you keep in touch and with your ex, talking of how much you guys loved each other and all that. Thes best thing is to give your ex some time.. though, you knwo she will likely find some else afterwards as well.. how would that make you feel?!?! ofcourse now you think about it will suck.. but if your happy with this new girl and if you are able to get bonded with her, then you will be happy for ur ex.. theres so much to talk about, but I think this covers the principles.. Good luck bro, and give time some time. You just need to open up yourself to this new girl, and what you think you will never feel what you felt for your ex, well, thats something you will see and decide within time.. but, you must open up to her. |
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| Zewad |
| chrissi you just eat this stuff up dont you?? :P |
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| Zewad |
| relationship stuff,... i came upont that conclusion b/c of your thorough post to comment on what that person had to say |
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| Echo of Silence |
| quote: | Originally posted by whiskers
"eat it up"?
is that an insult, Zewads?
i like discussing relationship stuff, it's fun ;) |
um, Whiskers....he's talking to me. The splinter in your head.
*sigh
;) at Zewads. :D |
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| chanoa |
i forget who said it, but prolly ann landers, cuz she always did it best,
"if u dont know what to do, u prolly shouldn't do anything"
meaning= break up with both. tell both its over (for now). suffer the lack of ass for awhile, and figure things out ALL BY YERSELF, cuz without either of them influencing u everyday (by seeing them, hearing them etc) u'll decide what u want, and how much you're willing to sacrific in order to spend your life with the person that will really make u happy |
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| spec |
| quote: | Originally posted by whiskers
oh, so you have a script for all long-distance relationships?
gg
where do you get such statistics?
people's feelings fade, people break up. after a little bit people meet again and the feelings are back - why? spontaneous recovery. but spontaneous recovery of the original conditioned response - love - is never as strong.
sure, a fully committed regular (what is regular, eh?) relationship without physical contact will die if all you care about is physical contact. if you need ass, then go get ass and don't get your own ass in long-distance relationships that you can't handle. future togetherness depends on your efforts. if i get hurt by the inevitable hurt of a previous relationship, does that mean i can't have "togetherness" with someone else, or even like you say, with the same person in the future?
no. |
Things are much different in the future if things were ended ina mature way, and the door was opened to enjoy future experiences without guilt.
Although I indicated physical contact was neccessary you took the rather incorrect assumption that I was referring to sex. This is just one element of a complicated puzzle and not the all of it. You can't believe the amount people grow and change when put in a new environment and this regular face-to-face contact is essential for any sort of chemistry to be maintained for any length.
The referenced information was phsycology journals I got from a medical database.
Your appear to be suffering from liveindreamlanditis, lucky it isn't contagious. And you appear to be letting a defensive mechanism affect your ability to engage in meaningful debate. What previous experience has caused such opinion?
We all want to hold on to this unrealistic ideal that a long distance relationship can work, and love can bear all things, but you are just kidding yourself with this misguided untruth.
Of course you can still have a great relationship in the future if you were hurt in the past, but unless you are yet to experience the drawn out heartbreak that often occurs in such situations it is hard to sympathise with the ongoing feelings of guilt, loss opportunity and the pressure of ensuring that this new relationship is worth giving up the shot at liffe with ex. |
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| Delay Llama |
| quote: | Originally posted by spec
Statistics show that the most successful relationships and lowest divorce rates occur when a couple is seperated for a period of time. In fact the longer the time apart before getting back together the more chance of the relationship never ending the second time around.
Attempting to keep a fully committed relationship without regular phsyical contact pretty much kills the chances of future togetherness due to the inevitable hurt that occurs. |
Spec, could you explain this? It makes sense, but it seems contraditory :conf: |
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| spec |
| quote: | Originally posted by Delay Llama
Spec, could you explain this? It makes sense, but it seems contraditory :conf: |
Not when you understand that you actually need to get back together to make it work the second time around, long distance relationships with additional lovers involved can be so messy there is no future opportunity.
I guess my advice, which is contradictory to what your heart will be telling you at the time, is to make the hard decision when your partner leaves, this gives the most chance of something working in the future and the most chance of enjoying your life in the meantime. |
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| Delay Llama |
| quote: | Originally posted by spec
Not when you understand that you actually need to get back together to make it work the second time around, long distance relationships with additional lovers involved can be so messy there is no future opportunity.
I guess my advice, which is contradictory to what your heart will be telling you at the time, is to make the hard decision when your partner leaves, this gives the most chance of something working in the future and the most chance of enjoying your life in the meantime. |
I thought they were still together, but kept apart by distance. This is why I didn't understand at 1st. :cool: |
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| spec |
| quote: | Originally posted by whiskers
which was my point to begin with, as opposed to you saying "no, go out with the new girl and have the other one for backup". very mature way to end things.
oh look, we've got a psychiatrist, analyzing me by 3 posts that i made for the first time in 2 months.
you're good. very good. spot on with your sarcastic imaginary diagnosis, but especially "a defensive mechanism affecting your ability to engage in meaningful debate"
you attacked me, i rebutted. it's as simple as that
it's not my fault you're a pessimist
i know 3 cases of successful long-distance relationships
i know... hm, just one case of unsuccessful long-distance because one of the partners was too immature and wasn't committed enough.
but hey, now we're getting to personal insults. before, i tried to just keept this to a disagreement of opinions, but your personal insults and your judging of my personality make me come to a conclusion that, apparentely, your ego is "affecting your ability to engage in a meaningful debate"
and since this is not contributing to the topic or helping the original poster in any way, this conversation is over. |
There was no reason to be so sensitive and touchy, our dialogue was not so much argumentative but perhaps a little expository of the reasoning behind advice given. Do you always run from conflict?
I must admit that my advice to keep the 2 girls on the tow until his mind was a little clearer on the path he wishes to take could be viewed as a dishonest and untrustworthy by some, but I think this is reasonable freedom given the situation, and its not like he's bonking both girls at the same time. |
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