|
You gotta love yourself before you can love someone else ... explanation? (pg. 4)
|
View this Thread in Original format
| DigiNut |
| quote: | Originally posted by Swamper
This turns OLD real fast. Lowering your expectations just cheapens yourself and after you're done (so to speak) you're not any better off in your goal (re: thread topic) |
As a long-term solution I agree that it's worthless. I speak of it merely as a confidence builder - would you say it's no good for that either? Because I know many many people who would say otherwise... just like you sometimes have to take a job before you can score the big one, sometimes you have to lower your standards and be in a few crappy relationships in order to work your way up to a good one. Confidence isn't just knowing your own worth, it's knowing that there are (sorry to bring in another cliché here) plenty of fish in the sea.
And hey, if there are people out there who met their dream girl/guy on the first shot, then congratulations to ya. But if you had to go the "drunken night on the town" route a few times in order to take the pressure off, it's nothing to be ashamed of (unless it's 3 years later and you're still doing it!). |
|
|
| trancechaos |
| some people think thats its hard to love yourself if you are not loved by others |
|
|
| Tordan |
| quote: | Originally posted by DigiNut
As a long-term solution I agree that it's worthless. I speak of it merely as a confidence builder - would you say it's no good for that either? Because I know many many people who would say otherwise... just like you sometimes have to take a job before you can score the big one, sometimes you have to lower your standards and be in a few crappy relationships in order to work your way up to a good one. Confidence isn't just knowing your own worth, it's knowing that there are (sorry to bring in another cliché here) plenty of fish in the sea. |
I think you're mixing confidence with cockiness. You shouldn't get into a relationship with someone (even someone you consider to be a cheap floozy) just for practice. You can't compare it to finding a ty job until you get a better one because you're playing with someone's feelings. That's plain wrong. A person who is truly confident will hold off until the right situation presents itself and not settle for anything less. |
|
|
| DigiNut |
| quote: | Originally posted by Tordan
I think you're mixing confidence with cockiness. You shouldn't get into a relationship with someone (even someone you consider to be a cheap floozy) just for practice. You can't compare it to finding a ty job until you get a better one because you're playing with someone's feelings. That's plain wrong. A person who is truly confident will hold off until the right situation presents itself and not settle for anything less. |
Who says it's playing with their feelings? You don't believe in the existence of no-strings-attached sex? Trust me, there are just as many girls out there looking for a quick fix as guys.
Jeebus there's a lot of idealism on these boards... if flings aren't your thing then that's A-OK, but you're denouncing it like it's morally wrong or something. I can think of about 5 or 6 people that had never even kissed a girl, whored themselves out for a few weeks on Lavalife, and now have no trouble talking to the girls that they're actually interested in.
A person who is "truly" confident will CREATE the right situation, not sit around waiting for it to get shoved in their face. I'll admit, I have my many shy moments, but that's something I work on, not something I try to justify. I can't believe that people are actually advocating passivity here.
If the idea doesn't appeal to you then fine - it's not the path I took either - but many people do, so don't go around huffing and puffing that it's wrong, because there are obviously a lot of people who don't agree. |
|
|
| amb_ |
If two people go into a relationship each with a proper understanding of and agreement to the parameters defining said relationship, I can't see anything wrong with that.
Whether they're keeping the possibilities open for anything to develop or both understand that they probably won't be together in 5 months, or if it's going to be a weekend fling, if there's a contract on the table, things are cool. |
|
|
| Magnetonium |
| quote: | Originally posted by Skipper
truthfully, the only way to "overcome" what you're feeling is to have solo time, not dating, not in a relationship. I said this over and over to my now ex boyfriend, but then only two months after we split, he invited someone he just met to move in with him.
Some people won't learn unless they are forced to. (ie, can't find anyone to be with, no matter how hard they look)
Do yourself a favor and spend some quality time with yourself. |
To be frankly honest, this is the only thing in this thread I strongly disagree about ... I've got A friend, thats all. Never had a relationship. Never had a girlfriend. I get along with people, everybody likes me ... I lived ALONE for 9 MONTHS ... renting ... and I havent changed ... 6 years alone ... other that the times I've been clubbing with you guys, I dont really do anything else ... work, sleep, eat ..
I know it may sound brutal / like a broken record, but I am saying that this theory doesn't work. |
|
|
| Spankmeister |
Interesting thread....
I like reading other folk's take on this 'cliche'....as I have used it many times myself...
Being a 'old guy' since
| quote: | | most people on the forum are 25 or younger |
I might have a little insight that only comes with years...
First of all....if there is something missing in our lives, we have to look at the reasons why that thing is not present. Especially roadblocks that prohibit that thing from entering.
With relationships, it is a very tricky thing....The more we 'look' for them, the more they elude us, so we look for them harder, and they elude us even more...Without doing something different, this vicious cycle continues until we lose all hope...Desperation is the biggest turnoff, not because people are not willing to accept someone warts and all, but when someone needs to gain ALL their self worth from someone else it is exhausting...emotionally, mentally and spiritually....
But there IS hope....as I said, 'without doing something different'...If your car is not running the way you want it to, you do some work on it, fix the problem and it runs exactly to your liking. The same example can be used for our psyche...
So, on to the 'cliche' in question...
It seems to me that many people take the casual saying of "loving oneself" to the extreme....Loving yourself does not mean you automatically turn into a egomaniac...It does not mean that you suddenly become intolorant of other's faults..
So, let's talk about the word that is really in question...LOVE...I sense that people's replies to this thread really is telling of their own personal definition of that word. I am not saying anyone's personal view of LOVE is wrong, but just different...Hey, if it works for you, then do it!...:)
But for me, love is the natrual progression of deep friendship. In ANY relationship (romantic and otherwise) you need every aspect of friendship in order to make it work....Trust, Honesty, Respect.
If this is said to be a fact, then let's look back on the original quote and insert the definitions...
"You have to trust, respect and be honest with YOURSELF before you can trust, respect and be honest with someone else"...
So, if we put it like that....now there is a whole new set of qustions that we can ask....
"Am I honest with myself?" (this is a tricky one as most people are very good at rationalizing their actions)
"Do I trust not only my thoughts but my actions?"
"Do I respect myself because of my thoughts and actions?"
I had a pretty nasty breakup last May.....it pretty much devistated me (mostly because I did not see it coming at all)....I decided to do work on me...to address the shortcomings that were glaring me in the face....I embarked on my "single summer"...that turned into "available Autumn"...and now is "Wistful Winter" (using the "2. Full of thought; eagerly attentive; meditative; musing; pensive; contemplative." definition of Wistful)...
I am still single, and actually having a ball...not to say there are not many opportunites that arise, there are more than I can even comprehend sometimes, but I am very content right where I am, and people that I come in contact with understand that...:)
Bottom line....Healthy people attract healthy people....Dude, you sound like a nice guy...quit worrying about being single, being in a relationship, and the superficial reasons for either...
Get to the meat of the matter....work on yourself, face your demons, identify and conquer your fears...be honest about your shortcomings and always strive to improve yourself....whether it is when you wake up in the morning or the last minute you are awake at the end of the day, that is really the only thing you can control and therefore change....
I think you will be very pleasantly suprised at the results...:D |
|
|
| kamil |
| quote: | Originally posted by DigiNut
What does age have to do with it? The whole point of the message in this thread refers to the difference between love and dependence. Sure, successful long-term relationships don't happen often when people are 17, but plenty happen before they turn 25.
Edit: I just read the rest of your post that just got edited in, sounds like you're making excuses. If you're too busy for a relationship then maybe you should also be too busy to give other people advice. |
dont assume when u dont know me, kthnx noob.
im at a computer working on design almost 24/7, just cuz i make a post means referring to ure post.
i am busy, full time school, part time job, living on my own. i get raped with homework, and ive barely had anytime to sit down and enjoy desiging for MYSELF (freelance) |
|
|
| kamil |
| one more thing, to all of u who dwell on people who apparently live a miserable lonely life. OFF. stop treating their life and ure own as if it were the biggest of the world. So some people would be happier in a relationship, BIG EN DEAL. EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPIER GETTING LAID EVERY NOW AND THEN. ing idiots. |
|
|
| Magnetonium |
| quote: | Originally posted by kamil
one more thing, to all of u who dwell on people who apparently live a miserable lonely life. OFF. stop treating their life and ure own as if it were the biggest of the world. So some people would be happier in a relationship, BIG EN DEAL. EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPIER GETTING LAID EVERY NOW AND THEN. ing idiots. |
Thats quite harsh ... I know this is supportive of my situation, but ... yes, I can almost think like this sometimes, but the truth is, the people who have relationships and dont have a problem in that department will not say this, if you know what I mean ... |
|
|
| Spankmeister |
| quote: | Originally posted by kamil
one more thing, to all of u who dwell on people who apparently live a miserable lonely life. OFF. stop treating their life and ure own as if it were the biggest of the world. So some people would be happier in a relationship, BIG EN DEAL. EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPIER GETTING LAID EVERY NOW AND THEN. ing idiots. |
Dude...
Got a few resentments there???
Honestly though...if it were just about getting laid....go get a prostitute...it will be cheaper than dinner and a movie or club. If it is just about a orgasm, get some internet porn and whack off..
I am not puttin ya down, just stating a fact...
But it isn't about getting laid is it?
*sigh*
"The longing for intimacy is worse than any physical torture one can endure"
-Unknown |
|
|
| kamil |
| quote: | Originally posted by Spankmeister
Dude...
Got a few resentments there???
Honestly though...if it were just about getting laid....go get a prostitute...it will be cheaper than dinner and a movie or club. If it is just about a orgasm, get some internet porn and whack off..
I am not puttin ya down, just stating a fact...
But it isn't about getting laid is it?
*sigh*
"The longing for intimacy is worse than any physical torture one can endure"
-Unknown |
No, actually, im seeing a girl who badly wants to me, im up for it, sure, and no, i havent gotten her dinner, movie and club. No. Im up for sex, its just that i dont care wether or not i get it. It doesnt bother me. And it doesnt bother me any less or more if i do end up in a relationship with her, but ive told her, i have little time to get involved and put any kind of focus away from school.
i think the reason why im "bitter" is because i got burned last year by my ex, and im pissed off that every other relationship ive tried to have this year has gone ed up, so ive just given up and i dont give a about relationships. |
|
|
|
|
