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a topic that really needs to be covered... (pg. 6)
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| Dr. Z |
| quote: | Originally posted by Ania_xox
I am unable to look past my own morals and I don't accept many avant-garde "new age" forms of relationships.
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I think that people just want to be slutty, and not be judged. Well, can't have your cake and eat it too. :P |
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| Kamka |
I have a question: so what if your boyfriend (admittedly, he calls himself that) claimed to be in a relationship with you, but his plans for the future somehow didn't seem to include you; i.e., you'd hear phrases such as "I might move out to California, to B.C., and maybe just decide to stay there", etc. ...I hear this kind of stuff from my so-called "boyfriend" quite often and it always makes me sad that he somehow never seems to make room in those plans for me and our future relationship together, at least he never mentions it! The one major thing I got from him was that I supposedly scared him when I mentioned that I'd like to have children in the future (I never mentioned that it has to be right now or that I'm insisting on getting married; I never actually mentioned marriage). He actually asked me that question directly, when we were just going out and before we reached the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, just because the topic somehow came about through our conversation that day.
Any insight or input would be appreciated... although I hate to be spurting out my problems here like this. But thanks to anyone who will try to provide constructive feedback... |
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| Kamka |
| quote: | Originally posted by DigiNut
I've got a nice shiny penny for anyone who knows where this quote comes from (no cheating on Google):
| quote: | Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude
Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right |
That's the only definition that's ever made sense to me. If it doesn't make sense to you, then you're probably confusing it with infatuation. |
Bible.. the New Testament? Corinthians 11? (If not, it resembles it quite a bit) |
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| Porky |
| quote: | Originally posted by Kamka
He actually asked me that question directly, when we were just going out and before we reached the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, just because the topic somehow came about through our conversation that day.
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This question is kind of important for me, and I try to nonchalently bring it up casually in conversation. The reason is because I want to know what stage in life a girl is in, does she want to have fun? or does she want to be serious and settle down. Accordingly the girl must match the stage in life that the guy is in, or the relationship will not have potential.
eg. If a girl gives me the serious "i want to have your babies" heeby jeeby vibes, I run. So it's good to ask this question early on to save yourself headache down the road. |
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| Vivid Boy |
| quote: | Originally posted by Irishaddict
do you really feel that your way is the best? my way or the highway mentality? |
I have a my way or the highway mentality......scratch that I have a or walk mentality |
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| knacker |
| quote: | Originally posted by Dr. Z
I think that people just want to be slutty, and not be judged. Well, can't have your cake and eat it too. :P |
really?
I mean, bitch on the people who just to feel accepted, or wanted, for money or to get a better job, to move up a social ladder... or worse, only for their sugar-daddy $$$
Why judge the people who actually LOVE sex and sharing physical contact with others. I've seen far more 'sluts' ing to make themselves feel wanted and important than ones who genuinely love sex. |
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| Irishaddict |
| quote: | Originally posted by Kamka
I have a question: so what if your boyfriend (admittedly, he calls himself that) claimed to be in a relationship with you, but his plans for the future somehow didn't seem to include you; i.e., you'd hear phrases such as "I might move out to California, to B.C., and maybe just decide to stay there", etc. ...I hear this kind of stuff from my so-called "boyfriend" quite often and it always makes me sad that he somehow never seems to make room in those plans for me and our future relationship together, at least he never mentions it! The one major thing I got from him was that I supposedly scared him when I mentioned that I'd like to have children in the future (I never mentioned that it has to be right now or that I'm insisting on getting married; I never actually mentioned marriage). He actually asked me that question directly, when we were just going out and before we reached the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, just because the topic somehow came about through our conversation that day.
Any insight or input would be appreciated... although I hate to be spurting out my problems here like this. But thanks to anyone who will try to provide constructive feedback... |
how long have you been dating? how old are both of you? are you both in school/finished school/working/in careers of choice?
the answers to those questions would change the tone of advice significantly. to me he just sounds wistful. if it ever came to actually acting on any of those things i'm sure he would consult you. 'i might move to BC?' - ok well that's great, call me when you're ready to pick up your whole life and move to the other side of the country. stuff like that requires a hell of a lot more practical planning than 'i might' - i wouldn't really worry about it. if he's on monster.ca looking up a tree-cutting job on vancouver island, then yeah, you can get a little more concerned.
as for the kids talk, that is a no-fly zone until you know the other person as well as you know yourself, because ************ of whether you want children sooner or later the fact is their chemical makeup will be 50% of that other person, so if you do not know them intrinsically and accept them for who they are, you're just going to exacerbate the situation by carrying it on to the next generation. |
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| Kamka |
| quote: | Originally posted by Irishaddict
how long have you been dating? how old are both of you? are you both in school/finished school/working/in careers of choice?
the answers to those questions would change the tone of advice significantly. to me he just sounds wistful. if it ever came to actually acting on any of those things i'm sure he would consult you. 'i might move to BC?' - ok well that's great, call me when you're ready to pick up your whole life and move to the other side of the country. stuff like that requires a hell of a lot more practical planning than 'i might' - i wouldn't really worry about it. if he's on monster.ca looking up a tree-cutting job on vancouver island, then yeah, you can get a little more concerned.
as for the kids talk, that is a no-fly zone until you know the other person as well as you know yourself, because ************ of whether you want children sooner or later the fact is their chemical makeup will be 50% of that other person, so if you do not know them intrinsically and accept them for who they are, you're just going to exacerbate the situation by carrying it on to the next generation. |
Thanks very much for your advice Laura :) (I think that is your name if I remember it from discussions on here correctly)
My boyfriend and I actually knew each other before - we went to the same High School, and we shared classes in gr. 10 (many years ago). We used to be somewhat of friends, like we walked home from school together sometimes and talked, but not much more than that. Then he switched High Schools mid-way btw. gr. 11 and I've totally lost contact with him (although he did leave me his phone number), until I've met him again by chance this year in a store, more than nine years later. So we got back into contact, went out a few times and then decide to get into a relationship (I guess you could put it that way). It was nice at first, I think he told his co-workers and his friends about me and he took me to visit his sister, who lives in Montreal, and for his birthday party we went out for dinner with his parents. Those all seem like nice, committed things to do, and when I read over what I'm writing here, it seems like a perfect story so far... but I am so sick of listening to this stuff every once in a while, like if we were just buddies and not people who are (or should be???) planning a future together.... I don't know. It really feels painful to be listening to those things, because I believe that if one really cared, they would want to or plan to spend their future with you together, and would at least mention you somewhere in their plans. Also, it feels hard to tell him that I don't like listening to it, because he's somehow not receptive to it. In regards to our age, we are both in our mid-twenties, I've finished my school and am working full-time in my first real job, and he's been working for a few years now, but plans to switch careers, so he signed up for part-time college courses while he works full-time as well. |
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| elFreak |
you guys are still young.
in youth professional success should be a bigger goal than romantic success. Sure it can still work, but you have your whole life to make relationships work, leaving your mark on something early in your work life can make everything easier later on. I could be wrong, but it sounds that he is trying to find this personal success. The only solutions here are to support him or let him go. If he wants to go somewhere else to make his future brighter and you hold him back, sooner or later it will probably be what ends you. I know it is difficult, but if i am understanding the situation properly all this could just be something to better the both of you.
He could also be just trying to get leverage over you with idle threats, but he would have to be a major prick to do that. |
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| rabbitjoker |
| quote: | Originally posted by Kamka
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Here is what I have to say to you (take it with a grain of salt.../free advice is only worth as much as you paid [$0]...):
Life is long (very, very long). As interesting/rewarding as it may be, guessing/planning/expecting a specific future is mostly an intellectual exercise. It's great to have dreams/hopes - but realize the farther out they are, the more variables come into play and the less one should expect things to happen "as planned". Things change, life evolves - what seems to make sense today, may not make sense tomorrow.
Enjoy the moment (what you have today). Reality is what you make of it. If you worry about tomorrow, today will become a manifestation of such (and won't be enjoyable). Be thankful for the path that has led you to the moment that you are in and be a sponge - absorb all the learning and knowledge of the experience of your life.
Nothing is absolute (change is it). The good thing about life being so long is that there is an opportunity to make many choices and decisions. If something doesn't work - try something else (keep trying until it does work). Endless possibility exists for those who take the risk and jump right in. Jump - always (most important thing I ever learned). With enough momentum life always puts you where you need to be.
Plan for what you don't expect/know. Spending time planning within your comfort zone (no pun intended) will produce disaster. Expect the most unexpected and plan on how to deal with it (anything less will be a cake-walk).
Live with [u]absolute[/i] conviction. Marginalism is the sticky-trap of the majority. Live large, think big, expect the most, judge, be judged - apply your system to the universe and have people know exactly what you stand for and how you see things to be.
Love forever (and always). Nothing in this world is true without true, devoted and unconditional love. Forget risk, don't over-think and simply over-love the that that is most important to you. Nothing is lost by loving too much.
I could go on, but alas I feel somewhat verbose. I wish you everything you expect and deserve. Cheers! |
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| Swamper |
| quote: | Originally posted by Kamka
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Met the sister/parents - looks like he is putting it out there in image form that he's committed but through his communication to you he's sending mixed signals. How long have you been dating? It's hard to say but I think he may just be sending out the lines about moving away as a way to slow things down because they're moving too fast for him and you bringing up your future together may have a snowball effect making it even worse. Pull back a bit, let him come to you. |
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| kaniz |
| quote: | Originally posted by Kamka
I have a question: so what if your boyfriend (admittedly, he calls himself that) claimed to be in a relationship with you, but his plans for the future somehow didn't seem to include you; i.e., you'd hear phrases such as "I might move out to California, to B.C., and maybe just decide to stay there", etc. ...I hear this kind of stuff from my so-called "boyfriend" quite often and it always makes me sad that he somehow never seems to make room in those plans for me and our future relationship together, at least he never mentions it! The one major thing I got from him was that I supposedly scared him when I mentioned that I'd like to have children in the future (I never mentioned that it has to be right now or that I'm insisting on getting married; I never actually mentioned marriage). He actually asked me that question directly, when we were just going out and before we reached the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, just because the topic somehow came about through our conversation that day.
Any insight or input would be appreciated... although I hate to be spurting out my problems here like this. But thanks to anyone who will try to provide constructive feedback... |
Next time he mentions moving, simply ask "how do I fit into these plans?" - are you serious enough that you would consider relocating with him? are you serious enough that you would put your OWN life plans on hold to be with him? (ie: put the shoe onto the other foot - you have an opportunity out in BC or wherever, its a great one - would you move without him? would you ask him to move out there with you?)
People often have long-term plans / 'pie in the sky' goals long before their girlfriend/boyfriend came along. Until a relationship gets /extremley/ serious, they often don't think about 'how will they fit into this?'
If things get very serious, and that future plan still seems on the table - its worth talking about how, and if you will fit into those plans, and what to do about it. |
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