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Bathroom Etiquette 101
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| ChemEnhanced |
| quote: | Menzoid's Office Bathroom Etiquette 101
By The Menzoid
When it comes to bathroom etiquette in the workplace, “To pee or not to pee” is NOT the question.
No, with apologies to the immortal bard, from an olfactory and time management perspective, urination in this day and age of copious consumption of bottled water is necessary and quite acceptable. And unless one has consumed a bushel basket of asparagus, pee tends to be scent-free.
Alas and alack, the same cannot be said for that other, far more offensive solid waste product (The Menzoid doesn’t even dare utter its name.). Even so, this repulsive refuse is something that should never be deposited in the workplace toilet under any circumstances.
By way of background, for the past few months, The Menzoid has abandoned his home-office and is currently working at an office-office during most weekdays.
The Menzoid enjoys the camaraderie of his co-workers and the water cooler gossip and the occasional staff pizza day.
But the Menzoid was shocked – no, make that horrified – to discover that some of his work mates were actually using the office bathroom for the nefarious Number Two.
What would Emily Post say? Probably, “Ewww…!”
After all, surely no gentleman or lady in the workplace environment would ever dream of using an office loo for such a vile visitation.
For starters, taking care of such a loathsome bodily function is time intensive, and to monopolize the bathroom for 10, 15 or even 25 minutes is just not right.
But the far more grave sin is that which is left behind, long after the American Standard has been flushed and the hands have been washed. Namely, a repugnant scent that is gag-inducing.
As well, how does one possibly save face after making such a despicable delivery?
The other day, a coworker who shall remain nameless, exited the loo just as The Menzoid was walking in. The ferocious fragrance that assaulted The Menzoid’s olfactory organ was akin to receiving a Mike Tyson punch to the solar plexus.
The Menzoid tried to smile as he delivered the obligatory, “Hi, how’s it going?” but The Menzoid’s face was imploding faster than an empty Coke can being sat on by Oprah Winfrey.
The visit to the loo would’ve proven gasp-inducing even for a flatulent skunk. For a moment, The Menzoid felt as though he was going to retch – but being a gentleman, The Menzoid would never dream of vomiting in a workplace setting either.
Obviously, someone else experienced The Menzoid’s pain, for the very next day, an Air Wick Max had been purchased. This little gizmo dispenses time-released spurts of a lavender-scented mist. Alas, while there was obviously good intentions behind the procurement of such technology, in a hermetically-sealed office bathroom with a single window to crack open, the net effect of such canned spray is the scent of you-know-what mingling with a hint of mint.
Not nice.
So, what is am office worker to do if one needs to “drop the bomb?”
Simple. The Menzoid joined a nearby fitness club. Forget about free weights an cardio equipment; The Menzoid exclusively uses the gym for its toilet facilities. It’s only a six-minute drive away from the office, and if time permits, The Menzoid even partakes in a post-game shower, so as to get that spic-and-span European bidet experience.
If one doesn’t have the money or time for a gym membership, here are your options: you grin and bear it until you get home. Or you leave a portable camping kit in your car and will allow you to do your dastardly business in the parking lot, far away from your colleagues’ noses.
There is one other option: The Menzoid asked Lady Menzoid if she does her nasty business at her workplace. To my horror, she said, “When you gotta go, you gotta go – and believe me, I go.”
That would’ve been grounds for divorce had Lady Menzoid not offered a side note. Since she works for a company that sells First-Aid and safety supplies, one item in the inventory is gas masks. As a joke, there’s always a gas mask on display beside the sink at the office bathroom.
But for The Menzoid, this is no joke – this is an epiphany. You see, for those putrid persons who are selfish enough to foul the workplace environment with their evil essences, The Menzoid proposes that a bylaw should be enacted that would require all office building bathrooms to be equipped with gas masks or aspirators. (Incidentally, Lady Menzoid can give you a bulk discount – nobody beats Lady Menzoid’s prices, NOOOOOO-BODY.)
In the meantime, for all those who are thinking of desecrating the workplace environment with Number Two, think again. To paraphrase that great philosopher king Hulk Hogan:
Roses are red;
Violets are blue;
Gotta use the bathroom?
Dontcha dare poo…! |
COR version: you shouldn't crap in the office bathroom |
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| The17sss |
| People are so nasty in public bathrooms. I can't stand going in there, and the toilet is full of strong smelling piss (evidently sitting there for a while)... is it so hard to ing flush when you're done? Christ! |
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| Adam420 |
| quote: |
“When you gotta go, you gotta go – and believe me, I go.” |
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| ChemEnhanced |
| quote: | Originally posted by The17sss
People are so nasty in public bathrooms. I can't stand going in there, and the toilet is full of strong smelling piss (evidently sitting there for a while)... is it so hard to ing flush when you're done? Christ! |
I come to expect that in public washrooms so it doesn't bother me. However, an office bathroom should not be used for such nasty business....you have to work with these people. |
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| leph555 |
| I would fire them on the spot for not flushing the office bathrooms |
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| kadomony |
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| igottaknow |
| I use to be that way but now that I have enough ruffage in me diet that when I'm ready to give birth to that brown baby, I drop him off at the office pool without hesitation even if mother Theresa is in the next stall. |
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| Teezdalien |
| I had laugh at this guy the other day, see there's a public toilet block across the road from where I live. This businessman dressed all classy like parked his car, got out to use the loo except the gents were locked. He ended up pacing back and fourth up the footpath for min looking like he had a carrot up his ass, looking around to see if anyone was around and watching. Then he quickly ducked into the ladies thinking no one saw him. |
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| DigitalPhoenix |
Chicks tend to be more pee/ dump shy...so the wifey says
I take my weekly newspaper in every time for reading material at the office :) |
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| Teezdalien |
| quote: | Originally posted by DigitalPhoenix
I take my weekly newspaper in every time for reading material at the office :) |
A guy I work with takes porn mags in there when he goes. I don't wanna think about it. |
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| igottaknow |
| quote: | Originally posted by Teezdalien
A guy I work with takes porn mags in there when he goes. I don't wanna think about it. |
I hope he flushes :nervous: |
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| The17sss |
| quote: | Originally posted by ChemEnhanced
I come to expect that in public washrooms so it doesn't bother me. However, an office bathroom should not be used for such nasty business....you have to work with these people. |
True... I have my own office bathroom fortunately, but I know who the repeat offenders are in the main office area. Stinky bastards. |
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