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Poems ... ??? anyone (pg. 11)
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| aidanwelsh |
A poem that I wrote about a year ago:
Shelter
Have you ever been
Lost in a proper crowd?
The greatest pleasure is to lose your mind
Among hundreds of others--
all there for a similar purpose.
To witness the crowd build
In the finest energy
You have seen
Pointing at the stage,
They see their God before them.
Screams and utterances in the dark
Muffled by the stabs of audiovisuals:
The bass beats through the Heart and
These gnarled peaks of sound waves cover their faces.
The visible spectrum spreads in much the same way.
Looking into the eyes of another:
She's beautiful,
Her eyes so wide and round,
Her mouth agape,
She's in things too far from agony.
Her smile spreads, it's too comical--too cheesy.
You inspect her eyes--there's the culprit.
The music returns:
Momentum, speed, euphoria are racing to a blur.
It's rushing now,
The flood of music hits.
Now, there's the Love coming too:
It is unspeakable scarlet magic.
The night will persist because
A heart cannot forget.
-Niles Harding |
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| nic01445 |
| quote: | Originally posted by ))the source((
for some reason I did not find 'You are so ugly' that amusing. Actually, it's kind of pathetic.
So, to change it up a bit...
left and right
right and left
they suffocate me
to my death
an inch away
suspiciously kind
stealing my air
raping my mind
suddenly I see
all has turned black
unable to love
from heart attack
I waste away
no one can see
this solemn life
sharp misery
right and left
left and right
I hold myself
in space so tight
...and now part 2 to my last one:
they are under my bed
they are in the walls
they sit behind me
they follow me down halls
they stare at my soul
they know I don't see
they want what is here
they tear into me
they are vicious and sly
they are your friends
they cut your throat, but
they make ammends
they are your family
they are everyone close
they are all strangers
they kill you the most
they are partake in conspiracy
they really don't care
they want you to drown
they want your air |
I did not find your ty poem filled with cliches and melodramatism at all profound or good in any way. In fact, I find your hallow attempt to produce anything that could be considered even mildly "good" pathetic. Allow me to clean up a bit.
Please Stab Me in the Head
I Suck at Poetry.
I Should Quit Immediately.
Should I dare say
that the use of freeverse
is over-rated?
Or perhaps:
a medium for which people with no skill
can
pretend that they have some sort of
mastery
for the english language
and poetic style.
Could I say accurately
that people
who choose to only use
rhyme and rhythm when it is convenient
or quit when they cannot find a word to rhyme,
use their style only to mask the fact
that they have no skill?
Should I talk of depression
or death
or cowardice
or suffocation
or something equally morbid
and overused?
I could bore you
with overused words,
with depressing and dour
connotations.
Or
I could write a poem worth reading.
Worth being written.
Worthy of the eyes of any man.
I choose to suck. |
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| ))the source(( |
or how about this one...
You are a loser
and have no life
therefore wanting to put down others
on the computer
because you want other people to feel
stupid
dumb
and just as bad as you feel
because you are a loser
and have no life
let's try another one...
if you read earlier in the thread
I stated that I have no education in poetry
I expressed mediocrity
even farther below
I write because...
I don't know why...
it's something to do
and I just don't care about what is right
and rules
and guidelines
and what loser think...
like you
(whatever the hell your name is)
now YOU look like the fool
and maybe I like things that are wrong
and I am comfortable enough
with myself
that I can conform
when it is comfortable with me to...
even in old style poetry
I think that rhyming is beautiful
...and so I used cliches
and I like melodrama
do you really ing care?
so label me as an idiot
or tell me that I suck
have no skill
or like that
because I am 100% certain
that I am more
intelligent
than you
I don't even have to know you
to know
that
so in the grande
scheme
of things
you are a loser
and the high school mentality that you have
and the that your fingers type
has no
effect
at all |
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| DigiNut |
| :haha: :stongue: Those last two were by far the most entertaining, who else wants to see more from these two? |
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| nic01445 |
| quote: | Originally posted by ))the source((
You are a loser
and have no life
therefore wanting to put down others
on the computer
because you want other people to feel
stupid
dumb
and just as bad as you feel
because you are a loser
and have no life
|
okay, here is an idea: try being original. I don't want people to feel dumb. What I do want is little heads like you
to think before you call something "pathetic," because odds are that any thing that you write will be as well.
| quote: |
let's try another one... |
Tell me it is better than the last one...
| quote: |
if you read earlier in the thread
I stated that I have no education in poetry
I expressed mediocrity
even farther below
I write because...
I don't know why...
it's something to do |
It is obvious to me that you have absolutely no education in poetry. You poems are mediocre at best. Well, at least we are eye to eye so far.
| quote: |
and I just don't care about what is right
and rules
and guidelines
and what loser think...
like you
(whatever the hell your name is)
|
If you didn't care then you wouldn't respond. Now, not only do you suck at poetry, but you are also a hypocrite.
| quote: |
now YOU look like the fool
and maybe I like things that are wrong |
Okay, I have to stop here, and take a break. You "like things that are wrong"?! This makes absolutely no sense. Please explain.
| quote: | and I am comfortable enough
with myself
that I can conform
when it is comfortable with me to...
even in old style poetry
I think that rhyming is beautiful
...and so I used cliches
and I like melodrama
do you really ing care? |
Obviously I do care, since I replied. I addmittedly care. I am disturbed by the fact that you called my poem "pathetic" without examining the drab, boring-as-hell nature of your "poem."
| quote: |
so label me as an idiot
or tell me that I suck
have no skill
or like that
because I am 100% certain
that I am more
intelligent
than you
I don't even have to know you
to know
that
so in the grande
scheme
of things
you are a loser
and the high school mentality that you have
and the that your fingers type
has no
effect
at all |
Wow. I am dumbfounded by your ability to insult me. My heart is burning with rage, and yet at the same time withering in sorrow. I think I am going to re-examine my life, and try not to be so cynical and hateful towards others who only wish to express their emotion.
Just kidding.
Well, I'm glad that you are so sure of your intellegence. You should try using that intellegence to write good poetry, instead of . |
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| DigiNut |
Here's my contribution:
---
Hi, I'm the Boy Next Door, all awkward and shy
You're the cute little nymph I watch with a sigh
Then it happens, we meet, we get along great
You've fallen in love, I'm your official date
But part of this relationship's not quite right
And I just can't ignore it, try as I might
You say you picked me, which in my view is true
But you seem on the lookout for somebody new.
For you it's just playing, for you it's just joking
Unless they play back, then maybe some poking
I see what you're doing, you're not fooling me
But no proof so chalk it up to jealousy
Ignore me, go out and see who you can attract
Then say I'm insecure and that I overreact
Step on me, treat me like I'm your little toy
The other boys haven't figured out your ploy
And why would they believe me, I'm just bitter
I'm just paranoid, I'm just a lame quitter.
You say, "It's okay, I don't have to grow up
if the heat starts to burn then I'll just breakup
after all, I've got lots of guys as backup
and even still, it's not too hard to pick up"
You just keep walking with that confident strut
Who cares if just a few guys think you're a slut
They all just care about themselves anyway
They're desperate, lonely, you know they'll always play.
Then one day you'll wonder why things aren't the same
Why the pimpette keeps losing at her own game
Suddenly the boys are men, they all know your act
They play you just for long enough to make contact
You're lost, you'll do anything to get them back
But they never liked you, they just liked your rack
It's payback time, now you just want to settle down
But players know, you're the easiest catch in town
The lonely ones you played are now hard to find
The good ones are taken, they left you behind.
And where am I now? I'm one of the players
Just another jerk, one of the betrayers
It's funny to say, but I've got you to thank
Then again, where else would I have learned my swank?
Vaguely I remember how we used to be
Beautiful but now a distant memory
You probably think I wish I'd let you screw around
Keep dreaming sweetie, I'm glad I'm off your playground
Good luck, have fun hunting for the Boy Next Door
Better hope he wants to date a played-out whore.
---
Disclaimer: this isn't meant to refer to myself or to any particular girl. And I neither know nor care how well it conforms to the MLA Handbook of Classic Poetry, it's intended to read like a rap. |
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| DarkAngel |
| quote: | Originally posted by DigiNut
Here's my contribution:
---
Hi, I'm the Boy Next Door, all awkward and shy
You're the cute little nymph I watch with a sigh
Then it happens, we meet, we get along great
You've fallen in love, I'm your official date
But part of this relationship's not quite right
And I just can't ignore it, try as I might
You say you picked me, which in my view is true
But you seem on the lookout for somebody new.
For you it's just playing, for you it's just joking
Unless they play back, then maybe some poking
I see what you're doing, you're not fooling me
But no proof so chalk it up to jealousy
Ignore me, go out and see who you can attract
Then say I'm insecure and that I overreact
Step on me, treat me like I'm your little toy
The other boys haven't figured out your ploy
And why would they believe me, I'm just bitter
I'm just paranoid, I'm just a lame quitter.
You say, "It's okay, I don't have to grow up
if the heat starts to burn then I'll just breakup
after all, I've got lots of guys as backup
and even still, it's not too hard to pick up"
You just keep walking with that confident strut
Who cares if just a few guys think you're a slut
They all just care about themselves anyway
They're desperate, lonely, you know they'll always play.
Then one day you'll wonder why things aren't the same
Why the pimpette keeps losing at her own game
Suddenly the boys are men, they all know your act
They play you just for long enough to make contact
You're lost, you'll do anything to get them back
But they never liked you, they just liked your rack
It's payback time, now you just want to settle down
But players know, you're the easiest catch in town
The lonely ones you played are now hard to find
The good ones are taken, they left you behind.
And where am I now? I'm one of the players
Just another jerk, one of the betrayers
It's funny to say, but I've got you to thank
Then again, where else would I have learned my swank?
Vaguely I remember how we used to be
Beautiful but now a distant memory
You probably think I wish I'd let you screw around
Keep dreaming sweetie, I'm glad I'm off your playground
Good luck, have fun hunting for the Boy Next Door
Better hope he wants to date a played-out whore.
---
Disclaimer: this isn't meant to refer to myself or to any particular girl. And I neither know nor care how well it conforms to the MLA Handbook of Classic Poetry, it's intended to read like a rap. |
As much as me and you have gone through, Diginut, even I have to say that was very good. I know your disclaimer says it ain't meant to refer to yourself, but as for me, I kinda feel the same way about a very specific kunt. :mad: |
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| DigiNut |
| quote: | Originally posted by DarkAngel
As much as me and you have gone through, Diginut, even I have to say that was very good. I know your disclaimer says it ain't meant to refer to yourself, but as for me, I kinda feel the same way about a very specific kunt. :mad: |
Thanks man, wasn't expecting any praise. :) Of course it does reflect my real feelings right now - just not a real situation/story. :p |
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| nic01445 |
| quote: | Originally posted by DigiNut
Thanks man, wasn't expecting any praise. :) Of course it does reflect my real feelings right now - just not a real situation/story. :p |
that was an example of good poetry.
my favorite line:
| quote: | | But they never liked you, they just liked your rack |
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| Vivid Boy |
titties titties raa raa raaa!
titties titties ha ha haaaa!
ooooooooo i love titties bump bump |
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| ))the source(( |
| quote: | Originally posted by nic01445
okay, here is an idea: try being original. I don't want people to feel dumb. What I do want is little heads like you
to think before you call something "pathetic," because odds are that any thing that you write will be as well.
Tell me it is better than the last one...
It is obvious to me that you have absolutely no education in poetry. You poems are mediocre at best. Well, at least we are eye to eye so far.
If you didn't care then you wouldn't respond. Now, not only do you suck at poetry, but you are also a hypocrite.
Okay, I have to stop here, and take a break. You "like things that are wrong"?! This makes absolutely no sense. Please explain.
Obviously I do care, since I replied. I addmittedly care. I am disturbed by the fact that you called my poem "pathetic" without examining the drab, boring-as-hell nature of your "poem."
Wow. I am dumbfounded by your ability to insult me. My heart is burning with rage, and yet at the same time withering in sorrow. I think I am going to re-examine my life, and try not to be so cynical and hateful towards others who only wish to express their emotion.
Just kidding.
Well, I'm glad that you are so sure of your intellegence. You should try using that intellegence to write good poetry, instead of . |
OMG. Seriously...are you kidding?
I have no more to say and no more time to waste on the loser that is Nic.
Ciao. |
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| Dj Dovla |
amazing stuff guys ... by creating this thread I was thinking couple of you might respond ... but this is nuts :D :D :D :D ..
keep it going ... i really enjoy |
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