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Poems ... ??? anyone (pg. 12)
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| davinox |
| thesource, i'm sorry but your poems do suck. don't worry, i've written many a-sucky poem! you are not alone! |
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| TheTornado |
Can someone please critique this? If you don't like it, tell me why. Also, this is really meant to be heard, so the rhyming scheme my sound weird if you are just reading it.
BNSF to City, 12:33 PM
I stand tall atop the city's big shoulders
Like boulders that have come crashing down
Around I see the poverty
The "never-having-always-needing, if someone steps to me I'm gonna leave 'em bleeding"* attitude
That has proved not to be substantial
In a city with financial problems spread as wide as the Great Lakes themselves
The Sears Tower overpowers, leaving all who don't shower to cower with sheer fear over
"what could have been"
In the summer sun those without funds take solace in not having any paper
By searching for cents in the shade of one of our many skyscrapers
You can roam around in the dark all you want in Lincoln Park -
But trying walking around after 10 and nevermore will you be seen if you live in Cabrini Green
But for the police it is routine
And for the people it's no scene - except for those who just lost their loved ones
For suburbanites it's a scare, this thought of gang warfare
But bare with it - you can always escape your hell by taking the El, then step outside the door
And be blinded by consumerism from McDonald's and Virgin Megastores
It's a sore sight for these eyes, really quite a pity
To see a once progressive city
Cut down to incorporate corporations, conglomerates and companies
History has helped divide the city racially? Maybe
Though much to the happiness of the Fuhrer's Daley
I'd like to see a hurricane come through and make everyone think differently -
After all, this is the "Windy City"
*Paraphrased from Gang Starr's "Code of the Streets" |
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| ))the source(( |
okay great...my poems suck
maybe you guys could tell me about 10 more times just in case I couldn't clear it up for myself in the first place because I think that it would be worth your while to
and
isn't poetry an art and expression
I find it funny how you guys can confidently judge the grouping of words that I use
I also find it funny how I was the top student in my expressive writing class at university yet my poems are of such a plebeian level here in the tranceaddict forum
poetry is expression from what I heard
whateva
besides,
I kind of liked my last 2 even though I switched up my style a little just to make bikini gorilla from USA not stab himself in the head and waste that precious life of his because reading my poems on the web is all that he's got going for him
ain't that right there buddy
okay, I'm done
I am seriously done
ciao |
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| TheTornado |
No dude, never EVER stop writing. Always express yourself. If it is just for yourself, who cares anyway, right? :)
I like this one.
| quote: | Originally posted by ))the source((
I hear a noise over whispers of loathing
it is a faint tearful cry beneath sheets of pale clothing
an ivory girl that does not know what is wrong
a youthful child can not see inequity shone
the streaming of her face and so nothing contained
inside her soul it has dreadfully rained
casting a shadow on each she can see
casting her darkness and now upon me
her in her skin and her in her eyes
there exists no purity to her nothing demise
I hear a noise over whispers of an un-crowning
it is eyes turning away from a girl that is drowning |
"an ivory girl that does not know what is wrong
a youthful child can not see inequity shone"
These lines are really good! Keep it up! |
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| ))the source(( |
| well thank you. much appreciated. |
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| nic01445 |
| quote: | Originally posted by ))the source((
I kind of liked my last 2 even though I switched up my style a little just to make bikini gorilla from USA not stab himself in the head and waste that precious life of his because reading my poems on the web is all that he's got going for him
ain't that right there buddy |
Is english not your first language?
| quote: | okay, I'm done
I am seriously done
ciao |
Weren't you "seriously done" a few posts back? |
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| Trance-Aqua |
While chilling out to some trance as i can remember i threw this together :)
Something Aqua.
I watched u walk,
I watched u fall,
I smelled your fear
And reached out within
Your soul to touch
The tears upon your face,
To touch stars
In endless space
We searched within,
We searched without,
We touched corners
Of our minds
We play our lives,
We taste the thrill
We realise the complications
Keep us sane yet real
Nothing mentioned
Nothing gained
We stand our pose
Like grains of beach sand.
Life is a smile
We breathe within it...
Let’s take the chance
And live the beginning.
~Vadim~ |
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| Trance-Aqua |
This was writen about two years ago to this girl i knew.
Angel
Many hours many days,
That we have known each other.
Sharing secrets sharing pain,
Its like you and me
Are made for one another
Laughing,crying,caring on...
Life just keeps on going.
We are standing one by one
Oceanly amazing,
You and me are like the sun
Shining all around us.
I'm not sure how this feels 4 you
But you are my sacret angel.
Kinda lame but it was the go back then.
This is another one i wrote same time as the one above.
At night
At night is when i feel alone the most
And thats when i start wishing
That you and me would be so close
So close that i would feel you breathing.
I want to watch you fall asleep
I want to feel you dreaming,
Its going to be a peaceful night
As i will be on guard , watching in amazement...
But we are not together now,
Its getting slowly freezing
Thats why i want you close to me
So we can both be healing...
------------------------------------------------
Ahh the young days.
I like poetry and i do have few lines stuck in my head day to day but im just a tad lazy to put it to paper. |
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| Xer |
When I was a young fool in love I wrote this:
It is sad
That I love you so bad.
Your sweetness is not so small
That's why you entered my soul.
Whenever you're near
My heart is dropping a tear
Because you don't understand
That my love for you is like the sand
It's everywhere,
But you just don't care. |
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| davinox |
here's another poem of mine. I don't like it as much as I once did, but oh well...
Hell
Arranged in lines, we battered souls march on,
Though I am unfamiliar with the way.
Here never is there dusk nor is there dawn.
Our backs collapse like sunrays into gray.
We still march on, although we've failed the test.
Now never will we know eternal rest.
The judge and jury both decreed our guilt.
Their shinning hands perused through endless books,
And names were read, and hopes began to wilt.
Our eyes diverted—too afraid to look,
When finally, they closed the ancient text,
Our scattered souls sucked downward, quite perplexed.
Now stench infests the air in which we breathe,
And groans for death surround and swell the ear,
The shrieks, exploding throats of men deceived.
The sights and sounds predict that Hell draws near.
We watch the flames that lick and lap the shore,
For lakes of phosphor burn forevermore.
Magnesium in water that we drink
Will scald your throat before you start to pour.
With sight and smell, a taste of death and stink
Surrounds this land of waste that I abhor.
It fills our every sense like endless screams.
We weep for God to wake us from these dreams.
We weep as we inhale the putrid air,
Exhaling dirt and ash that came adrift.
And all we do is march, and march and stare
And watch the fire in bellows rise and shift
Across the ground to burn—incinerate
Those privileged of souls outside Hell's Gate.
Yes, Hell, without escape or chance to die.
(Though we have all once tasted death before.)
No rest, or peace, or place for us to lie.
For if you halt, your fate will hold in store_
A shortcut to the torture that awaits:
First pain, then flame, then thrown into the Gates.
And in that blur of evil dismal dark,
Distinguished sights and sounds cannot be formed.
I now recall of Heralds and their Hark.
But never was this hidden God adorned,
Salvation was too far away to sense.
In Hell, now I will lie forever hence.
Could I have seen His glory until now,
Or known that words of men could mean so much?
Could I believe the powers He endowed,
Those Holy men who's drivel was God's touch?
Now looking back, it matters not—I'm cursed.
In life I chose the dooms of logic first.
And here I am, a worthless, wretched soul
Weighed heavy by whatever was my sin.
I somehow feel his presence taking toll.
Beelzebub, my master, lied within!
If only I could rip open my chest,
Removing tar that lies within the flesh.
And now I see my ever-beating heart
That keeps my conscious touch from dying off.
Why won't my soul and body finally part?
For only blood exhales the breath I cough.
My metaphysic torture seems so real
As if my shell were not in dirt and steel.
The paradox of how I could feel pain
Still bothers me—the little sense that's left.
Is this the afterlife or life again?
I should be in oblivion with death.
No, this is Hell, cast down by Jesus Christ,
And nothing I can do now will suffice.
Well damn that God to Hell with me, for He
Created this existence out of hate.
The Universe was made to trick me! He
Foresaw the apple and our hell-bound fate.
Our instincts sent us to the devil's lair;
Salvation came to those men unaware!
But now I open my perceiving eyes,
My fate now resting in the devil's hands.
I must accept those once deceiving lies,
While God still hides away from men He damns.
A coward, bastard, yet still in control
Of me and of my poor, pathetic soul. |
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| enferno |
something i wrote after an ex of mine passed away
Ask the piano what I told her,
Her keys so pretty, you can't see
Notes and rests like sobs and sighs
And the tears I cried to hear them
Ask the music what he thinks
Of silent little bus rides
Windows frost from glances, mine
But only when I steal them
Ask the piano what I told her,
And how she keeps her secrets
Of the feelings draining from my hands
And how you couldn't feel them |
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| Dj Dovla |
^ I like it alot... an thanks for bringing back my thread ...
keep them comming .. :D :D |
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