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Depression (pg. 4)
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| anuneventrade |
| quote: | Originally posted by Jackson
I feel like im an embaressment to my parents...my dad used to call me a wimp everytime i cried as a child...so now i find it hard to let out controlled emotions. |
Are you on meds?
Life's not easy, trust me we've all had our share of problems. What you need to do is realize that the only person that can change how you feel, is you. Make a plan for yourself, and stick to it. Go for your goals and realize whatever might bother you is not as important as your happiness. If someone's holding you back, realize that you are not them, that you make your own choices, and live your own life.
Everyday is a new day. Try to make it better than the day before it. It won't always work, but you have to at least try. If you're not trying to change anything, there's no point in even reading any of our responses. Either you want to change or you don't. Which is it? |
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| Jackson |
I would GIVE or DO ANYTHING to change how i am and feel at the moment!
Im on Seroxat and Vallium Daily. Along with some herbal stress releavers (Bach's rescue remedy). |
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| Jackson |
Here is a poem i found that describes Exactly how i feel. Read it, its good.
Nothing is ever the way that you want it to be.
You know that things aren't bad,
You're actually doing all right,
But that doesn't matter.
You're still not happy.
You can't explain why.
Sometimes, you feel empty inside.
Other times you feel like you're jumping out of your skin.
But there is always this feeling that you can't explain,
It makes you hate everything.
Well, maybe not everything,
But it makes you hate yourself.
All you want to do is stop this feeling,
And you start to believe that this isn't any way of stopping it.
There is no way of making things better in life.
Then this idea comes,
this sliver of an idea that makes you wonder,
"What if I did? What if?"
But you know you don't have the guts
And you feel worse because now,
on top of everything,
you are a coward.
So, you wake up and you put on a smile.
Like you do everyday
And you hope to God that no one notices that it's fake.
And you laugh at all the jokes you might have a while ago
And you smile for pictures.
When you see the pictures they make you sick
Because you're so fake and "happy" in them
And you hate yourself for lying to everyone.
And you can't understand how people don't notice that you aren't happy at all.
But you thank god that they don't.
You want them to like you,
As if it would help,
But you can never believe that they do,
Who would like someone like you?
And you live your life thinking that there is nothing good about you
And that there is no way out,
Well, maybe there is a way out,
But you're still a coward.
All you know is that no one else in the world is feeling the way that you do,
that there has to be something wrong with you.
All you want to do is escape,
Permanently.
No one would miss you,
And if they did,
They'd get over it. |
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| Floorfiller |
| quote: | Originally posted by Jackson
Its not teenage angst. I've had that before. Heres a couple of reasons im depressed, just so u know its not Angst.
My parents and sister are arguing non-stop.
My parents are on the verge of nervous breakdown so i cant tell them my troubles because i cant worry them.
My sister has been raped by 2 blokes who got away with it.
Im lucky to have my gf, i keep worrying she'll get fed up of my depression and leave me. She's all ive got.
My nans in hospital.
i have 3-4 panic attacks a day, which include hyper-ventillating and blacking out.
I've been mugged and assaulted 5 times in the last year( twice i was stabbed).
Thats a few of the things i Can tell u about.
Orbax - Its because you're life is more important than mine...you're a better person than me...i feel like everyone is...other than murderers and stuff.
Floorfiller. - I think it might be because i want acceptance, i was never popular at school, had a closed group of friends. I do anything for anyone....I help everyone and anyone i can in the hope someone might have a positive thought about me...i guess:conf:
Slylee - Im in the uk so i left school at 16. Im starting college in sept which im looking forward to...i guess... studying Animal science and rehabilitation. I dont feel like a doormat though...i dunno, so many thoughts and emotions at the moment.
I feel like im an embaressment to my parents...my dad used to call me a wimp everytime i cried as a child...so now i find it hard to let out controlled emotions. |
its sounds like you got a lot going on in your life, but you need to realize that they aren't your fault. lemme breakdown each on for you:
My parents and sister are arguing non-stop.
i can see why this is a hard thing for you to have to live with. my own brother is very timid around my house when my parents fought with my sister. you need to realize though that they aren't mad at you when this happens. they have their own issues and you can't expect to be able to fix them for them.
My parents are on the verge of nervous breakdown so i cant tell them my troubles because i cant worry them.
i can see why it would be hard for you to talk to those close around you if your parents are having problems. once again, whatever problems you're parents have you can't change. just try and take yourself out of their arguments instead of trying to involve yourself at any level. don't get forced into choosing sides or having them take out their problems on you.
My sister has been raped by 2 blokes who got away with it.
rape is a terrible thing. i'm sorry that your sister had that happen to her. however, if there isn't anything you can do about it...you have to let it go. perhaps you feel as a brother it is your responsibility to protect your sister, but it isn't. you can't change the past and i'm sorry, but you most likely can't do anything about this. hopefully your sister won't endanger herself again.
Im lucky to have my gf, i keep worrying she'll get fed up of my depression and leave me. She's all ive got.
i remember seeing a pic of your gf when you posted it...she's very attractive. the fact that you have someone like that who cares about you is something in itself. you need to realize that she is with you because she cares so much for you and i'm sure its hurts her deeply that she can't help you with your depression. if anything can help you to overcome the other troubles in your life, look to your girlfriend for love and support. i know you don't wanna lose her, but the more and more you battle this depression...the harder you're making things on her aswell as yourself. i know you don't mean to because you love her, but don't push her away.
My nans in hospital.
this is something that is completely out of your control. i don't know how serious this hospitalization is, but you cannot blame yourself for it. i know you love your nan and that its stressful to have someone you love in the hospital, but if your nan new about the condition that you're in, she'd be worried about you. from the sounds of it, you really need to get ahold of this depression before something bad happens.
i have 3-4 panic attacks a day, which include hyper-ventillating and blacking out.
this really scares me. i don't know much about black outs and that sorta thing, but its not healthy. the stress levels which you are placing on yourself are so severe that it is effecting you on a pyhsical level. wouldn't you love to go through the day without those black outs? wouldn't your day be so much better if you didn't worry about everyone else? of course it would. listen to me and hear what i say when i say that i'm worried about you and i don't even know you. think about how worried those around you would be if they knew how severe your problem has become?
I've been mugged and assaulted 5 times in the last year( twice i was stabbed).
i don't know what to say to that. that sucks that it happened to you. i've never been mugged so i can't relate, but perhaps you can think of a situation when this might have been avoided. try not to endanger yourself. whatever that means...carrying mase, travelling different ways...whatever. you should be the most important person in your life.
with all that said. i really hope that you get some help with this stuff. i don't think you realize how important you are to the people around you. perhaps some of your family members are too caught up in there own problems to notice, but think of your girlfriend. think how horrible she would feel if something happened to you. you say that you make everyone more important than yourself, but if that's true...you need to work on yourself in order to truly give those around you what they want...you. |
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| Lira |
rofl, floorfiller had the same idea I had :p
| quote: | Originally posted by Jackson
Its not teenage angst. I've had that before. Heres a couple of reasons im depressed, just so u know its not Angst.
My parents and sister are arguing non-stop.
My parents are on the verge of nervous breakdown so i cant tell them my troubles because i cant worry them.
My sister has been raped by 2 blokes who got away with it.
Im lucky to have my gf, i keep worrying she'll get fed up of my depression and leave me. She's all ive got.
My nans in hospital.
i have 3-4 panic attacks a day, which include hyper-ventillating and blacking out.
I've been mugged and assaulted 5 times in the last year( twice i was stabbed). |
Yes, I reckon you're probably depressed then.
As for your sister and parents arguing non-stop, I (believe I) know what it feels like, as I'm the one who often argues here at home with my mother (sincerely, I'm sick of it, but she's got a very invasive behaviour and I don't think either of us has a strict sense of limit with each other, although I'm trying to work on it), and I know this can be stressing, specially combined with all those other facts you stated. Here are some ideas, I hope they're helpful in a way:
Sister and parents arguing: have a word with your sister and try to see what the problem is. Be a moderator between her and your parents. It's worth a shot, I guess.
Parents' breakdown and you not being able to open up: You could either give them a chance and tell them (maybe they're stronger than you reckon) or open up to a psychologist (although I recall you're already doing this, right?)
Sister and the blokes: I really really don't know how I could help but, how come they've got away with it? Is there a way to fix it? If not, give your sister some confort and do the best you can. This will not null what happened, but it'll sure be good.
Girlfriend: I know how wonderful a partner can be, but try to enjoy the relationship instead of worry before you even have problems. Keep in mind that she likes you the way you are. Girls are usually caring, so maybe she wouldn't mind to help you every now and then. It makes them feel useful, and who doesn't like to feel liked and wanted? (just remember to keep some balance)
Your nan: All you can do is to hope for the best. There's no use to worry, is there?
Panic attacks: If you're too tense, try to relax. You seem to be very stressed not only because of the things that happened to you, but to things that happened to everyone else. Despite of what we want, we can not always help others by doing something. Maybe they need some distance, maybe there's no way back (like your nan's situation: what can you do? Relax, so this way you can think positive and use your mind better, and help people in a better way).
Assaults: How did this happen? Is it your neighbourhood, your city, your attitude when you're wandering around town (like you're either too distracted or paranoid, as if you had something really precious economically with you). All I can tell you is to avoid dangerous situations, although I'm aware of the fact that this is not always possible.
I hope these words can be of some use.... |
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| Floorfiller |
good job there maaz  :stongue: |
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| Lira |
You've done a good job too, F.F. :p :stongue:
| quote: | Originally posted by Jackson
Here is a poem i found that describes Exactly how i feel. Read it, its good.
Nothing is ever the way that you want it to be.
You know that things aren't bad,
You're actually doing all right,
But that doesn't matter.
You're still not happy.
You can't explain why.
Sometimes, you feel empty inside.
Other times you feel like you're jumping out of your skin.
But there is always this feeling that you can't explain,
It makes you hate everything.
Well, maybe not everything,
But it makes you hate yourself.
All you want to do is stop this feeling,
And you start to believe that this isn't any way of stopping it.
There is no way of making things better in life.
Then this idea comes,
this sliver of an idea that makes you wonder,
"What if I did? What if?"
But you know you don't have the guts
And you feel worse because now,
on top of everything,
you are a coward.
So, you wake up and you put on a smile.
Like you do everyday
And you hope to God that no one notices that it's fake.
And you laugh at all the jokes you might have a while ago
And you smile for pictures.
When you see the pictures they make you sick
Because you're so fake and "happy" in them
And you hate yourself for lying to everyone.
And you can't understand how people don't notice that you aren't happy at all.
But you thank god that they don't.
You want them to like you,
As if it would help,
But you can never believe that they do,
Who would like someone like you?
And you live your life thinking that there is nothing good about you
And that there is no way out,
Well, maybe there is a way out,
But you're still a coward.
All you know is that no one else in the world is feeling the way that you do,
that there has to be something wrong with you.
All you want to do is escape,
Permanently.
No one would miss you,
And if they did,
They'd get over it. |
I was really touched by what you said, and I've sorta felt it before myself. All I can say is that the world is not what happens to you, but what you make of it. If you've done your best, and it still didn't work out as planned (by the way 90% of things don't work out as we plan, simply because we can't see the whole thing, but just "our view" of it), relax and be less hard on yourself. This way, you can save more energy to do better, if necessary, next time. I really don't know how to give you further advice because of my English, but I hope some fellow TA can help me out :) |
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| Slylee |
hope i don't offend you too much jackson, but you're parents sound like inconsiderate s. they probably have no clue this is going on with you. good parents know and are in tune with their kids. they're too busy dealing with their own problems and it's messing you up and your sister. if they are that miserable, they need to split up. i'm sure everything you just said is why they are miserable, so i know it's hard for everyone.
as soon as you're legal, get out. get on your own. it's totally situational depression and it will only get worse. i hope your sister is getting therapy too. jeez that really sucks to hear all that:( life is a bitch. you got to be strong though.
you will be ok...and remember, baby steps. |
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| Orbax |
| quote: | Originally posted by Jackson
Orbax - Its because you're life is more important than mine...you're a better person than me...i feel like everyone is...other than murderers and stuff.
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one of the biggest keys to being successful here - and this isnt a joke - is self honesty. You have to admit how ing retarded you sound. Anecdotes are meant to help relate to a person, not alienate. So heres another. Even when I was going off on friends, or sitting in my room for weeks on end, I could admit it wasnt really true how I was feeling, that was not who I was. I knew it was the depression. I just knew not to do anything too drastic during those times. In conversations I warned people I was depressed and not feeling like myself at all.
The scary thing is when people know they are depressed but think their thoughts are still somehow "normal" or logical or unbiased.
Basically, you have to be tougher than your brain. Here you are carrying around this big lump of fat in your skull and its sitting there giving you all this ? Tell it to suck a fatty and go climb a mountain or something.
This is seriously one of those "If I didnt laugh so much, Id end up crying" kind of things. Think about how ridiculous youre being. Because you are. Guarantee you have a better life that at least 4-5 BILLION ing people. That doesnt make you feel better though does it? Thats ed up. You think everyone has better lives? You at least can go in for treatment instead of getting hacked down by machetes for being possessed by a demon.
There are two quotes that are the most directly related to depression quotes ive ever heard, ever.
#1 A chinese fable. The emperor asks his wise-men to come up with a phrase that can apply to anything at any time. They thought and thought and finally came back. "This too shall pass".
#2 Get over it. Put a ing smile on. They actually did research that showed if you smile your brain releases happy chemicals, not the other way around. But you dont want to walk around grinning do you? Too many times when people are depressed that start to LIVE for that Victim Feeling. Like they are owed something. SOMETHING, you dont know what but for your misery you need to be rewarded.
Im sorry but everyone has going on in their lives. Everyone. We're all miserable, we are all sick of something, we all just want to sit down. But we dont. We fight against that , to keep on. And thats the difference. You arent going to beat depression by sitting in a dark ing room all day. Or by popping pills to scramble your brain so bad you dont know youre depressed.
None of this is going to make sense until the day you decide to change your life and get over your depression. It doesnt magically go away, im sorry. |
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| Orbax |
Im going to pre-empt the angry response here that "You dont know what its like, my life SUCKS, did you even read my list"
Im not going to sit here and go through all the bad thats happened in my life to see who has a worse life. Or has had. People think I dont know rough, because I dont bitch about my life. My best friends still dont know half the about my life. Because I dont tell them. because people dont want to hear that, because either its fixable and youll fix it or there is nothing you can do so shut up.
Like telling people your mom has cancer. Whats that going to do? Make it go away, think theyll become doctors and find a cure? Please!
Anyways, my point is that a lot of people here who are trying to help you, myself included, have had some FUC(ed stuff happen. I know things about people that Im glad they trusted me to tell, but man...you walk by people every day who have to deal with all day long, but not a thought goes out to them, you just get pissed when they bump you.
I think some compassion for other people would help bring you out of this too. It isnt all about you most of the time. Go down to the battered woman's shelter and help out, see what a ed up life is about and maybe help make their lives just a little bit better, because you too know what suffering is. |
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| Streakfury |
| quote: | Originally posted by UWM
Ahahahaha, I'm pissing myself. |
:p
Jackson, man, sorry to hear about all the crap that's gone on. It's good that you're girlfriend is there for you, and I'm sure she knows you could do with her support. :)
Man, drastic times call for drastic action. I had a mate who got sick of living with his parents, although he wasn't depressed about life. But he may well have ended up like that if he hadn't have moved out into his own place. There's nothing like having your own space to go home from work/school to every night. It gives you space to think and chill. You can always keep an open door for your family (like your sis) to come round whenever they need a chat and stuff, but it also means you dont have to constantly be in the presence of non-stop bickering and arguing. That stuff, as you know, can really grind you down.
If it was me, I would've flipped out by now and smacked someone lol, but that's just coz I know my limits. You're obviously a decent guy who goes out of his way to be nice to people, but you seem to let people walk all over you, and all the stress builds up inside you.
The way I see it you've got two choices:
a) Stand up for yourself and tell your family that they need to get their act together and stop arguing, because you're suffering so much because of it. You go out of your way to make life easy for them, and seem to be a very considerate person. It's about time they showed you a little of the same consideration and support.
b) Move out. If you've got your own house or flat, no-one has the right to be there putting you down and making you feel like . Nobody has that right anyway, but at least if you have you own place, you really can get away from it all. Your family may push you around while you live under their roof, but trust me, it all changes on your own turf.
I know it's easy to sit here and say all that, but if you take things easy and just work towards your goals in little steps (like Sly said), you'll get there in the end. And you'll feel a sense of achievement after having gone a little further, which is the best encouragement to keep going.
:) |
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| Orbax |
| Good call. Its amazing what a little self-reliance will do to a man. Moving out and getting a job has saved a few of my friends. Good idea ;) |
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