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Male-Female Friendships (pg. 12)
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| squirrelly |
| quote: | Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On
I think a more interesting question would be: Is it possible to be nothing but friends throughout the course of a lifetime, even when there exists a sexual attraction (no matter the magnitude) never fully realized? Of course nobody here is at the end of their lives, fully capable of saying for sure, but I would say it's possible. Even more interesting still: Is it worth it? |
The way you worded your first question means that you recognize that there could be feelings from one person to another, just maybe not both simultaneously. If you are asking if two people would be able to practice self restraint until they die and never cross any boundaries - 50/50 chance. By no means was I implying that self restraint could not be practiced - it's the idea that all these friendships are considered "platonic" that I had issues agreeing with. imho, a friendship cannot be platonic if one has feelings for the other. BUT you did not word your question as "can two people stay platonic friends through the course of a lifetime", so I am happy. :tongue2
Is it worth it to keep feelings aside to maintain a friendship? Depends on whether or not the other person is truly happy with their SO. If yes, then yes - worth keeping feelings to yourself but continuing on with the companionship of a friendship. If the other person seems miserable, take a chance and let them know that you're lusting to bang them. And then maybe try out a relationship if the shagging is good. |
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| colonelcrisp |
| quote: | Originally posted by squirrelly
The way you worded your first question means that you recognize that there could be feelings from one person to another, just maybe not both simultaneously. If you are asking if two people would be able to practice self restraint until they die and never cross any boundaries - 50/50 chance. By no means was I implying that self restraint could not be practiced - it's the idea that all these friendships are considered "platonic" that I had issues agreeing with. imho, a friendship cannot be platonic if one has feelings for the other. BUT you did not word your question as "can two people stay platonic friends through the course of a lifetime", so I am happy. :tongue2
Is it worth it to keep feelings aside to maintain a friendship? Depends on whether or not the other person is truly happy with their SO. If yes, then yes - worth keeping feelings to yourself but continuing on with the companionship of a friendship. If the other person seems miserable, take a chance and let them know that you're lusting to bang them. And then maybe try out a relationship if the shagging is good. |
totally agree, or just get horribly drunk and let the bad decisions begin! |
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| Halcyon+On+On |
| quote: | Originally posted by squirrelly
The way you worded your first question means that you recognize that there could be feelings from one person to another, just maybe not both simultaneously. If you are asking if two people would be able to practice self restraint until they die and never cross any boundaries - 50/50 chance. By no means was I implying that self restraint could not be practiced - it's the idea that all these friendships are considered "platonic" that I had issues agreeing with. imho, a friendship cannot be platonic if one has feelings for the other. BUT you did not word your question as "can two people stay platonic friends through the course of a lifetime", so I am happy. :tongue2 |
I totally agree, "platonic" is being thrown around way too much. Plato was sort of a dickbag anyways, but that's beside the point...
| quote: | | Is it worth it to keep feelings aside to maintain a friendship? Depends on whether or not the other person is truly happy with their SO. If yes, then yes - worth keeping feelings to yourself but continuing on with the companionship of a friendship. If the other person seems miserable, take a chance and let them know that you're lusting to bang them. And then maybe try out a relationship if the shagging is good. |
Though I personally completely agree with this approach, I think it's interesting to consider how one would be invalidating the feelings of a friend were you to utterly deny reciprocation. Of course it's not to be expected that you jump right into bed with any of your friends who express sexual attraction, regardless of your own feelings or circumstances, merely because they're your friend - but just the same, many friendships are completely lost once one blurts out their true feelings for the other. And this seems sort of unnecessary. We are each of us animals, and often at the whim of our biology - of course we can control our sexual escapades, but I do not think we can necessarily control just who our nature decides is a worthy candidate for our reproductive urges, and that this is an all-to underestimated factor when it comes to arguments like this.
I think where most people are probably getting hung up on this concept is in separating sex and love/companionship, because they really aren't necessarily the same thing. I mean, a friend coming out and telling you they want to you is totally one thing - a friend coming out and saying they have loved you for years and want to spend the rest of their lives with you is understandably horrifying, especially when they are about a thousand rungs down your ladder.
As always though, there is no general rule to unify every situation here. Sexual attraction is utterly subjective (if we even have a choice in the matter), and "friendship" attraction is just as subjective, but on an antirely different level of consideration. When people cannot seperate these, irreconcilable problems will occurr - but if we have so little choice in the matter, where do we even begin saying there are "rules" to attraction and friendship?
jennypie version: UGG, UGG, SEXY FREND GUD, UGLY FREND NO GUD, NO SEXY |
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| squirrelly |
| quote: | Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On
I totally agree, "platonic" is being thrown around way too much. Plato was sort of a dickbag anyways, but that's beside the point...
Though I personally completely agree with this approach, I think it's interesting to consider how one would be invalidating the feelings of a friend were you to utterly deny reciprocation. Of course it's not to be expected that you jump right into bed with any of your friends who express sexual attraction, regardless of your own feelings or circumstances, merely because they're your friend - but just the same, many friendships are completely lost once one blurts out their true feelings for the other. And this seems sort of unnecessary. We are each of us animals, and often at the whim of our biology - of course we can control our sexual escapades, but I do not think we can necessarily control just who our nature decides is a worthy candidate for our reproductive urges, and that this is an all-to underestimated factor when it comes to arguments like this.
I think where most people are probably getting hung up on this concept is in separating sex and love/companionship, because they really aren't necessarily the same thing. I mean, a friend coming out and telling you they want to you is totally one thing - a friend coming out and saying they have loved you for years and want to spend the rest of their lives with you is understandably horrifying, especially when they are about a thousand rungs down your ladder.
As always though, there is no general rule to unify every situation here. Sexual attraction is utterly subjective (if we even have a choice in the matter), and "friendship" attraction is just as subjective, but on an antirely different level of consideration. When people cannot seperate these, irreconcilable problems will occurr - but if we have so little choice in the matter, where do we even begin saying there are "rules" to attraction and friendship?
jennypie version: UGG, UGG, SEXY FREND GUD, UGLY FREND NO GUD, NO SEXY |
See, but I think that was where I was going with my ramblings. Could you honestly say that it is a "true" friendship, if when feelings were expressed, one person or the other abandoned the friendship? Then that is not a true companionship and friendship. When a friend stopped and said to me "I have loved you for 13 years", I stopped, contemplated the idea of the two of us being together, and then decided from there that although he meant a lot to me, he did not possess the qualities of what I was looking for in a SO. I told him this, but insisted that although I was flattered, we stay friends. At this point he agreed and then within a month, I never heard from him again.
So would you consider this person a true friend? No - it was a fraudulent friendship. Same things goes for when Jamie said if a guy wanted to bone her she would say that everything was fine until that moment. Friendships are based on the premises that they are relationships, minus the sex. When someone is staying in a friendship while trying to maintain their feelings as dormant, how can one really say they are a true friend? You can't.
There are moments when "best friends" look at each other and say "oh my God! I have loved you all of this time!" and they end up trying out a relationship. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
The "rules" are man-made, and the consequences the same. |
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| elFreak |
if you are single, the girl is single, and there is sexual attraction why try and be friends?
answer: because you are a . |
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| Halcyon+On+On |
Well what constitutes a "true" friendship not only varies between person to person, but - I think - between the sexes. Given, there are exceptions to most every individual, but in general, men weigh the value of a friendship in terms of cost and benefit - as they do with most everything. If the cost exceeds the benefit, you're probably not much a friend, or at least not for much longer. Women are automatically more "beneficial" as friends to men in this respect, because they tend to start out with a more desireable biology (of course depending on your sexual preference).
Women however, tend to weigh their relationships based on an emotional leverage. It is both a simpler, yet more individually-refined process that determines who a woman befriends, and, as well, who she is willing to sleep with. But that is of course not to say that any side is better or worse than another - just different.
With that difference in mind though, is it much surprise that it so often doesn't pan out after first impressions have been processed? To men, both cost and benefit are liable to change along specific actions - a woman could become more beneficial should she consent to sexual relations... but a man does not necessarily and suddenly become more valuable to a woman should he want sex from her - if anything, he is threatening his image with her on a emotional level, and that isn't really beneficial to anybody.
As Astroboy said - it's completely possible, given the maturity level. I would add that as a people becomes more mature though, it's not only possible - it's probable. |
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| Yohan |
| quote: | Originally posted by elFreak
if you are single, the girl is single, and there is sexual attraction why try and be friends?
answer: because you are a . |
or getting my dick wet is not a priority in my life
or i'm gay
or i'm a
oh :( |
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| Halcyon+On+On |
| You're a gay, dry-dicked pussy for not ting where you eat, that's what you are! |
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| elFreak |
Getting with someone that there is sexual attraction with has nothing to do with priorities. The only time that it eats up all of your time, is if the person in question has 0 interest in you.
The dynamics of attraction are pretty simple if it is shared attraction. Stop putting that on a pedestal. |
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| Halcyon+On+On |
| quote: | Originally posted by elFreak
Getting with someone that there is sexual attraction with has nothing to do with priorities. The only time that it eats up all of your time, is if the person in question has 0 interest in you.
The dynamics of attraction are pretty simple if it is shared attraction. Stop putting that on a pedestal. |
This is the only sort of mature response that comes from experience, though. Not that you're not completely right.
I think it has a lot to do with the sexual retention in cultures. When you're young, it's somewhat of a taboo to let all of your feelings for a person out - and that isn't a completely unfounded phenomenon or anything, but when you are young (immature) you probably do not know quite what it is that you want in life, so it makes it all that much more difficult to face the prospect of rejection because it's that much more ambiguous.
Also, being an uggo doesn't help. |
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| elFreak |
who is talking about feelings here?
i am talking only about a little squeak squeak yeehaw bang pop face pirate.
The people who stay virgins (unwillingly) into their late 20's and beyond, usually do so because they are completely inept at inter personal behaviors and have severe confidence issues. I am not calling yohan a virgin, but the excuses he used are textbook ones from these same people.
It is not a priority.
I have no time.
and so on.
all of these just translate into : I fear rejection. |
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| Halcyon+On+On |
| Wait... there are virgins amongst us? |
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