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Twilight books / movies (pg. 2)
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| chimera66 |
| read the books last summer, can't say it's because i loved them as much as everyone i knew got crazy into it and once i watched the first movie i had to know what came next. although unlike some, i've never liked the main characters, i think they are e; he's a borderline stalker and she's a whiny bitch but i'm a sucker and will keep seeing the movies until this is done. |
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| ziptnf |
How Twilight Works
A few weeks ago I had the miserable experience of reading Twilight. A friend bought it for me and I took it with me to read on a long flight from Seattle to Houston. I knew it was going to be crappy, but I thought it would be a guilty pleasure kind of crappy - where you know it's bad but you still get enjoyment out of it. I actually managed to power through around 400 pages until I gave up and started reading Sky Mall. I've been seeing Twilight everywhere lately, especially with Vampire Teens II New Moon's release, so I thought I'd break down why chicks go ape for it.
First off, the author creates a main character which is an empty shell. Her appearance isn't described in detail; that way, any female can slip into it and easily fantasize about being this person. I read 400 pages of that book and barely had any idea of what the main character looked like; as far as I was concerned she was a giant Lego brick. Appearance aside, her personality is portrayed as insecure, fumbling, and awkward - a combination anyone who ever went through puberty can relate to. By creating this "empty shell," the character becomes less of a person and more of something a female reader can put on and wear. Because I forgot her name (I think it was Barbara or Brando or something like that), I'm going to refer to her as "Pants" from here on out.
So after a few chapters of listening to Pants whine about high school, sucking at volleyball, and being the center of attention, the second major character is introduced. Imagine everything women want in a man, then exaggerate it by ten thousand - and you've got Edward Cullen. The level of detail that the author goes into while describing Edward's appearance is remarkable. At one point while reading I started counting the number of times the author used the expression "Edward's perfect face," and it was far into the double digits. The author excruciatingly details his muscular pecs, clothing, hair, eye color - even his goddamn breath (I'm not joking).
Edward intensely listens to everything Pants has to say, even if she's bitching about she had diarrhea on Christmas or her preferred method for cutting a sandwich in half. As far as the reader is concerned, Edward cares about nothing in the world more than Pants. What the author has done is created a perfect male figure - a pale Greek statue which the reader can worship and in turn be worshipped by.
Edward
So what about men that like Twilight?
If you're male and you like Twilight, you're gay. I don't mean that in the derogatory sense, I mean it in the "you want to put your testicles against another man's testicles while gripping handfuls of chesthair" kind of way.
And the movie?
The movie is just the same uninspired crap shat out onto a film reel. If you like the taste of horse manure on your bologna sandwiches, you're probably gonna like it on your birthday cake as well. The same principle applies with Twilight.
Beyond that, it's just a romance novel with the occasional vampire teen drama bull peppered here and there. It doesn't really break any new ground in the realm of vampire fiction, other than portraying vampires as a family of uncomfortable retards who prance around the woods eating deer and bunny rabbits. There's lots of nervous lip-biting, tender kisses between Pants and Edward, and lengthy descriptions of every feature of Edward's body. Pants is a static character who never really progresses beyond being an insecure vampire fangirl who obsesses over Edward. Whether her character grows beyond that is unknown to me, I'd stopped reading by then and shifted my attention to an electric butt-massaging chair in Sky Mall.
http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight |
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| MrJiveBoJingles |
| quote: | | Originally posted by ziptnf |
LOL. "Pants." :stongue: |
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| denys envy |
| quote: | Originally posted by Marcus Summers
I'll never date another girl that reads or is interested in the twilight series. |
ditto. |
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| Schadenfreude |
| i was hoping that retarded vampire stuff would have died when buffy went off of the air. I used to date a girl that watched it...and i would humiliate her sexually as revenge:p |
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| The17sss |
| quote: | Originally posted by mezzir
13 year-old girls have an excuse for reading Twilight, because it basically reads like horrible fan-fiction, and thats who writes horrible fan-fiction. 40 year old fat women, however, should ing know better. We have an entire romance section for people like you, go ing use it. This stuff is not the epic romance of the 21st century, its some whiny **** pining for several hundred pages. And at least in the romance novels there's sex and sexual tension, not some creepy stalker dude involved in a relationship where they can't cause they're not married. The next person to ask 'if I liked Twilight, what else should I read' will get a proper response: link |
This! I just don't get it when I see women in their 30's and 40's going bonkers like they're 16 and seeing the Beatles live for the first time. It's ing embarrassing.
That being said, allow me to share my Twilight tale of woe. I had no idea that the books existed and did no pre-emptive reading on the movie when the first one came out. My wife and I wanted to see a movie and nothing was playing, so I said, "Hey there's some new movie out about vampires, you want to just see that one?" She agreed. We went to the movie and I couldn't believe how awful it was. My wife on the other hand, blinded by everything romantic, loved it. Then when the DVD came out she bought it... and made my mom watch it, and then when my friend and his wife came in to visit from Florida, she made her watch it too. I feel like it's always on TV around here! When the 2nd movie came out, I tried to avoid it like the plague but I couldn't. Now there's no escape. When the 3rd one came out, I desperately tried to get her to go see it with one of her girl friends, but no to avail. It's humiliating sitting in there with a bunch of starry eyed teenagers thinking that the decision between necrophilia and beastiality is where it's at. That whiny bitch Kristen Stewart is a horrible actress too.
And don't tell me I have a choice! As any married man will attest, you pick your battles... and the 2 hour sacrifice of sitting through one of those horrible movies buys me a ton of brownie points. :p |
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| MrJiveBoJingles |
| quote: | Originally posted by The17sss
That being said, allow me to share my Twilight tale of woe. I had no idea that the books existed and did no pre-emptive reading on the movie when the first one came out. My wife and I wanted to see a movie and nothing was playing, so I said, "Hey there's some new movie out about vampires, you want to just see that one?" She agreed. We went to the movie and I couldn't believe how awful it was. My wife on the other hand, blinded by everything romantic, loved it. Then when the DVD came out she bought it... and made my mom watch it, and then when my friend and his wife came in to visit from Florida, she made her watch it too. I feel like it's always on TV around here! When the 2nd movie came out, I tried to avoid it like the plague but I couldn't. Now there's no escape. When the 3rd one came out, I desperately tried to get her to go see it with one of her girl friends, but no to avail. It's humiliating sitting in there with a bunch of starry eyed teenagers thinking that the decision between necrophilia and beastiality is where it's at. That whiny bitch Kristen Stewart is a horrible actress too.
And don't tell me I have a choice! As any married man will attest, you pick your battles... and the 2 hour sacrifice of sitting through one of those horrible movies buys me a ton of brownie points. |
:stongue: |
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| Schadenfreude |
| quote: | Originally posted by The17sss
This! I just don't get it when I see women in their 30's and 40's going bonkers like they're 16 and seeing the Beatles live for the first time. It's ing embarrassing.
That being said, allow me to share my Twilight tale of woe. I had no idea that the books existed and did no pre-emptive reading on the movie when the first one came out. My wife and I wanted to see a movie and nothing was playing, so I said, "Hey there's some new movie out about vampires, you want to just see that one?" She agreed. We went to the movie and I couldn't believe how awful it was. My wife on the other hand, blinded by everything romantic, loved it. Then when the DVD came out she bought it... and made my mom watch it, and then when my friend and his wife came in to visit from Florida, she made her watch it too. I feel like it's always on TV around here! When the 2nd movie came out, I tried to avoid it like the plague but I couldn't. Now there's no escape. When the 3rd one came out, I desperately tried to get her to go see it with one of her girl friends, but no to avail. It's humiliating sitting in there with a bunch of starry eyed teenagers thinking that the decision between necrophilia and beastiality is where it's at. That whiny bitch Kristen Stewart is a horrible actress too.
And don't tell me I have a choice! As any married man will attest, you pick your battles... and the 2 hour sacrifice of sitting through one of those horrible movies buys me a ton of brownie points. :p |
you spent 10k on a ring dude...she should be locked in a cage and do what she is told. |
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| MrJiveBoJingles |
| The stories so far have been excellent. I'm glad I started this thread. :D |
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| yukii |
| quote: | Originally posted by Schadenfreude
you spent 10k on a ring dude...she should be locked in a cage and do what she is told. |
LOL sorry kevin, that must suck. I never liked twilight, it was too cheesy  |
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| The17sss |
| quote: | Originally posted by Schadenfreude
you spent 10k on a ring dude...she should be locked in a cage and do what she is told. |
well... a little more than 10K but who's counting? :p
But yeah, a cage isn't out of the question if this Twilight business continues.
*looks over shoulder in fear that she's reading this* |
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| OkiDokie |
| quote: | | Originally posted by The17sss |
LOOL! |
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