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A friend of mine has just been murdered... (pg. 9)
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| Lira |
:stongue:
Thanks for the laugh guys... and yeah, perhaps I just had a bad day and you're right about people being different about the way they mourn. |
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| Ian |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lira
perhaps I just had a bad day and you're right about people being different about the way they mourn. |
when I found out my grandad died, i cried all day. then for a week I was in shock really, i just kept on going as normal and then it just hit me and tbh I've still not got over it 15 years on because it was such a shock & the circumstances around it anger me to this day.
Kinda on topic, about 2 years ago, a friend of mine just died in the night, his dad was our football coach when we were playing from 13-16 year leagues and everytime I see him, he just looks so empty, so lifeless, like he's carrying on but doesn't really know how, why or anything. Some days he doesn't even recognise us, he's that bad. |
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| Omega_Blue |
| a guy my "gang" and i used to burn with in high school, and who hangs out with one of my best friends on a regular basis now, died of a heroin overdose just last week. happens i suppose. |
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| Moongoose |
| quote: | Originally posted by Omega_Blue
for example, when my grandpa on my dad's side died (who i was pretty close with), i didn't cry at all or really have any opinion on the matter save for the obvious. i remember my cousin (who is about two years younger than i) was crying his eyes out, and he approached me and asked me, "why aren't you crying?" to which i replied, "i dunno, why are you crying?" "because it's sad," which was not a good reason enough for me.
when i was a little kid, i often had the uncontrollable urge to laugh or smile during family funerals.. meh. |
Pretty much that. People just deal with loss differently, and ive learned how to deal with pricks who think the only appropriate way to mourn is to do it like they are, but that story is a bit inappropriate for this time. |
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| EgosXII |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lira
:stongue:
Thanks for the laugh guys... and yeah, perhaps I just had a bad day and you're right about people being different about the way they mourn. |
time to read the outsider lira, if you havn't already: Camus, all about how people react to things differently/feel emotions differently, and how they're treated by society because of it |
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| igottaknow |
| Before I come to any conclusion about your mourning, I need to know if you wore sneakers to the funeral. |
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| Arbiter |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lira
Then today I went with a couple of mates to the funeral, and trying to be selfless, I tried to talk to them and let them speak their minds, tried to hug those friends who seemed to need it, and even phoned the girl who let me know about the death because she wasn't there and a mutual friend she wasn't feeling well... in the end, I just felt stupid for doing it all: One of my mates pretty much told me to off because he wanted to be alone, somehow the hugs felt fake, and the girl answered the phone saying she was just taking her father to the airport, and that she was fine and dandy.
What a ing excuse for a mourner I am: I can't cry, I can barely feel nostalgic because I know it won't bring the deceased back, and I fell pretty useless to do/show anything if the person is dead, so all those rituals are empty to me. I've always been told that I'm too rational to let my emotions really flow, too egocentric and self-absorbed, and that I'm not exactly good at reaching people actively (although I'm a good listener and can only help when people come to me). |
So you went to the funeral, "tr[ied] to be selfless," and you wonder how "the hugs felt fake?" Maybe it's because they were fake, and you were the one faking them.
Maybe you were stupid for doing it at all. What did you hope to accomplish? To make yourself feel better? To make everyone else feel better? Is feeling better about something like this even a worthy goal? Perhaps it is preferable that we feel bad about things that are, in fact, bad. Perhaps those feelings are not something to be resisted or to seek to overcome at all.
To posit the idea of a lousy mourner assumes a proficient one. But unless we can agree on the purpose of mourning, if, indeed, it has one at all, by what criteria are we to distinguish between the two? People tell you that you're "too rational," but what good is irrationality? If your rationality prevents you from connecting with their irrationality, why not call the latter the problem?
There, I hope I have given you a lot to stay home and philosophize about. :p |
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| flymo-meek |
Sorry for your loss mate. Its horrible when anyone dies but when it happens under such tragic circumstances its incomprehensible.
I knew one of the miners who died in New Zealand a few weeks back. Hadn't seen him for a while and was closer to his sister but its still horrific to think about it or see it on the news. The circumstances and the fact I followed the rescue attempt online made it even more harrowing.
Hope you're ok now Lira. |
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| MeLLyMeL |
When I flew to Miami and even drove to Raul's memorial service - I was so numb and I almost couldn't believe it?
They had a mass for him and I was fine throughout the whole entire thing until the end when the priest dedicated the mass to him. It was like glass breaking? I cried sooo much the random old ladies next to me were hugging me - it was sweet.
Then when I saw his mom and told her my name she went to hug me and cried on my shoulder so I couldn't help myself either ;\ .
I suck. I cry alot haha. But after that I think it was mostly smiles and laughter. It's usually like that at funerals. Ppl have to lighten the mood somehow - it really does help. |
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| EddieZilker |
| quote: | Originally posted by woscar
You're not a lousy mourner, Marcus. You just deal with things on your own way, and know a fair share of s who cannot understand that and expect you to do it in their own cliche'd way. ;) |
This +1.
Do not get wrapped up in someone else's way of doing things. This situation is rightfully unnatural, meaning that it doesn't happen every day and no one has a monopoly on how it should be handled. The person shoving his religious views on you is being selfish and, one should realize, also a victim of trauma in his own right.
It took me a week and several bottles of booze to have a good cry about it, when it happened to me. That's just how big it is - that I had to get numb and dissociated to comprehend the tragedy - and even then, the reckoning still occurs on an elastic time-line.
You're not doing anything wrong. |
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| Moral Hazard |
I have to echo the earlier posts, Lira; there is no right or wrong way to mourn. Mourning is all about the mourner, not the deceased; subsequently, what ever comes naturally to you is the "right" way to deal with your loss.
Sorry for your loss. |
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| wienerschnitzel |
| of course i agree with everyone else as well..:o if it doesn't feel genuine i wouldn't waste my time doing it. Mourning isn't a hallmark movie. There is no right or wrong way of doing it.. hope you're days get better... |
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