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Political Jokes Thread (pg. 2)
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| Izzy |
i am posting this out of humor, enjoy
:)
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The Complete Military History of France:
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last moment by schizophrenic
teenaged girl, who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War - Lost all three, but claimed as ties. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finished learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Phu
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, but fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to contemplate counting on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but rath or "How long until France collapses?" |
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| occrider |
Hahhahaha omg Izzy that's priceless. It's a wonder how Darwin has kept them alive for so many centuries.
Anyway since when have the Germans become such pacifists??? The Germans???? Want PEACE??? Here's my theory ... they're trying to prevent the US from starting the war, because THEY want ALL the fighting for themselves. They felt they got jipped during Gulf War I so they want all of Gulf War 2. Once world opinion forces the US to back down Panzer tanks are gonna blitzkrieg Baghdad and turn it into one big sauerkraut farm.
Of course on the way to Iraq they'll have to invade France for good measure. |
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| Izzy |
| quote: | Originally posted by occrider
Of course on the way to Iraq they'll have to invade France for good measure. |
ROFL :haha: |
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| DrUg_Tit0 |
That's funny Izzy. I was gonna say it's little too hard on france because the french did also have some victories, but one thing changed my mind, and for that thing there is no excuse:
| quote: | | France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians |
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| Izzy |
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. (or so they say... hehe...)
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South
to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the
North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course
15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. |
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| Izzy |
y'all might have heard of this before, but I decided to post it here as well... i thought it was funny, i love nationality jokes - hope no one takes offense
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On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a manage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman. |
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| JohnSmith |
| BWHAAHA!! those are feckin great izzy! |
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| melech_mike |
thats jokes izzy...
| quote: | | The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. |
So pridictable....
haha! |
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| Izzy |
OMG :eyes: OMG :eyes:
i cant belive it, what is bush thinking, he's crazy! he's going to take over the world, what a nut case!!! you guys were right all along about bush :eek: :eyespop:
hehe :p :thepirate :happy2: |
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| occrider |
Hahaha that's great. I posted this elsewhere but I guess this is the appropriate place to put it.
www.bushorchimp.com |
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