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Political Jokes Thread (pg. 4)
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| TranceGiant |
Muahahahahahahahah!!!! OMFG this one is excellent
> > THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE
> >
> > Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an
>orphaned bunny and
> > an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from
>birth.
> >
> > One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
>slithering
> > through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
>This, of
> > course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
> >
> > "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
>I've been blind
> > since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an
>orphan, I don't
> > even know what I am."
> >
> > "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same
>as yours. I,
> > too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell
>you what,
> > maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at
>least you'll have
> > that going for you."
> >
> > "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered
>all over the
> > bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really
>long ears; your
> > nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be
>a bunny
> > rabbit."
> >
> > "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
>bunny
> > suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and
>help you the
> > same way that you've helped me."
> >
> > So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth
>and slippery,
> > and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must
>be French". |
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| JohnSmith |
long but quite funny, reminds me of some of the arguments i have had here:
By Anonymous
PeaceNik: Why did you say we are we invading Iraq?
WarMonger: We are invading Iraq because it is in violation of security
council resolution 1441. A country cannot be allowed to violate
security council resolutions.
PN: But I thought many of our allies, including Israel, were in
violation of more security council resolutions than Iraq.
WM: It's not just about UN resolutions. The main point is that Iraq could
have weapons of mass destruction, and the first sign of a smoking gun
could well be a mushroom cloud over NY.
PN: Mushroom cloud? But I thought the weapons inspectors said Iraq had
no nuclear weapons.
WM: Yes, but biological and chemical weapons are the issue.
PN: But I thought Iraq did not have any long range missiles for
attacking us or our allies with such weapons.
WM: The risk is not Iraq directly attacking us, but rather terrorists
networks that Iraq could sell the weapons to.
PN: But coundn't virtually any country sell chemical or biological
materials? We sold quite a bit to Iraq in the eighties ourselves,
didn't we?
WM: That's ancient history. Look, Saddam Hussein is an evil man that has
an undeniable track record of repressing his own people since the early
eighties. He gasses his enemies. Everyone agrees that he is a power-hungry
lunatic murderer.
PN: We sold chemical and biological materials to a power-hungry
lunatic murderer?
WM: The issue is not what we sold, but rather what Saddam did. He is
the one that launched a pre-emptive first strike on Kuwait.
PN: A pre-emptive first strike does sound bad. But didn't our ambassador
to Iraq, April Glaspie, know about and green-light the invasion of Kuwait?
WM: Let's deal with the present, shall we? As of today, Iraq could sell
its biological and chemical weapons to Al Quaida. Osama BinLaden himself
released an audio tape calling on Iraqis to suicide-attack us, proving a
partnership between the two.
PN: Osama Bin Laden? Wasn't the point of invading Afghanistan to kill
him?
WM: Actually, it's not 100% certain that it's really Osama Bin Laden on
the tapes. But the lesson from the tape is the same: there could easily be
a partnership between al-Qaida and Saddam Hussein unless we act.
PN: Is this the same audio tape where Osama Bin Laden labels Saddam a
secular infidel?
WM: You're missing the point by just focusing on the tape. Powell
presented a strong case against Iraq.
PN: He did?
WM: Yes, he showed satellite pictures of an Al Quaeda poison factory
in Iraq.
PN: But didn't that turn out to be a harmless shack in the part of
Iraq controlled by the Kurdish opposition?
WM: And a British intelligence report...
PN: Didn't that turn out to be copied from an out-of-date graduate
student paper?
WM: And reports of mobile weapons labs...
PN: Weren't those just artistic renderings?
WM: And reports of Iraqis scuttling and hiding evidence from
inspectors...
PN: Wasn't that evidence contradicted by the chief weapons inspector,
Hans Blix?
WM: Yes, but there is plenty of other hard evidence that cannot be
revealed because it would compromise our security.
PN: So there is no publicly available evidence of weapons of mass
destruction in Iraq?
WM: The inspectors are not detectives, it's not their JOB to find
evidence. You're missing the point.
PN: So what is the point?
WM: The main point is that we are invading Iraq because resolution 1441
threatened "severe consequences." If we do not act, the security council
will become an irrelevant debating society.
PN: So the main point is to uphold the rulings of the security council?
WM: Absolutely. ...unless it rules against us.
PN: And what if it does rule against us?
WM: In that case, we must lead a coalition of the willing to invade
Iraq.
PN: Coalition of the willing? Who's that?
WM: Britain, Turkey, Bulgaria, Spain, and Italy, for starters.
PN: I thought Turkey refused to help us unless we gave them tens of
billions of dollars.
WM: Nevertheless, they may now be willing.
PN: I thought public opinion in all those countries was against war.
WM: Current public opinion is irrelevant. The majority expresses its
will by electing leaders to make decisions.
PN: So it's the decisions of leaders elected by the majority that is
important?
WM: Yes.
PN: But George Bush wasn't elected by voters. He was selected by the
U.S. Supreme C...-
WM: I mean, we must support the decisions of our leaders, however they
were elected, because they are acting in our best interest. This is about
being a patriot. That's the bottom line.
PN: So if we do not support the decisions of the president, we are not
patriotic?
WM: I never said that.
PN: So what are you saying? Why are we invading Iraq?
WM: As I said, because there is a chance that they have weapons of
mass destruction that threaten us and our allies.
PN: But the inspectors have not been able to find any such weapons.
WM: Iraq is obviously hiding them.
PN: You know this? How?
WM: Because we know they had the weapons ten years ago, and they are
still unaccounted for.
PN: The weapons we sold them, you mean?
WM: Precisely.
PN: But I thought those biological and chemical weapons would degrade to
an unusable state over ten years.
WM: But there is a chance that some have not degraded.
PN: So as long as there is even a small chance that such weapons exist, we
must invade?
WM: Exactly.
PN: But North Korea actually has large amounts of usable chemical,
biological, AND nuclear weapons, AND long range missiles that can reach
the west coast AND it has expelled nuclear weapons inspectors, AND
threatened to turn America into a sea of fire.
WM: That's a diplomatic issue.
PN: So why are we invading Iraq instead of using diplomacy?
WM: Aren't you listening? We are invading Iraq because we cannot allow the
inspections to drag on indefinitely. Iraq has been delaying, deceiving,
and denying for over ten years, and inspections cost us tens of millions.
PN: But I thought war would cost us tens of billions.
WM: Yes, but this is not about money. This is about security.
PN: But wouldn't a pre-emptive war against Iraq ignite radical Muslim
sentiments against us, and decrease our security?
WM: Possibly, but we must not allow the terrorists to change the way
we live. Once we do that, the terrorists have already won.
PN: So what is the purpose of the Department of Homeland Security, color-
coded terror alerts, and the Patriot Act? Don't these change the way we
live?
WM: I thought you had questions about Iraq.
PN: I do. Why are we invading Iraq?
WM: For the last time, we are invading Iraq because the world has called
on Saddam Hussein to disarm, and he has failed to do so. He must now face
the consequences.
PN: So, likewise, if the world called on us to do something, such as find
a peaceful solution, we would have an obligation to listen?
WM: By "world", I meant the United Nations.
PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the United Nations?
WM: By "United Nations" I meant the Security Council.
PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the Security Council?
WM: I meant the majority of the Security Council.
PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the majority of the
Security Council?
WM: Well... there could be an unreasonable veto.
PN: In which case?
WM: In which case, we have an obligation to ignore the veto.
PN: And if the majority of the Security Council does not support us at
all?
WM: Then we have an obligation to ignore the Security Council.
PN: That makes no sense.
WM: If you love Iraq so much, you should move there. Or maybe France, with
all the other cheese-eating surrender monkeys. It's time to boycott their
wine and cheese, no doubt about that.
PN: I give up! |
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| JudgeJulez |
^^^^^
hehehe....gave me a good laugh :) |
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| Izzy |
| A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his quiet English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants. |
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| brainfried |
| quote: | Originally posted by Izzy
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his quiet English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants. |
Hahahahaahahaha:haha: :stongue: |
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| D'Paul |
Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, your mom is coming at you with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Liberal Answer: Well that's not enough information to answer the question! Does my mom look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to my mom thats inspiring her to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of her hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible she'd be happy with just killing me? Does she definitely want to kill me or would she just be content to
wound me? If I were to grab her knees and hold on, could my family get away while she was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
Conservative Answer: I shoot the Son-Of-A-Bitch!!!
Tell me friends, how often does a person come running toward you with a knife yelling obscenities trying to kill you? To me there's about an equal chance of a mom taking schizophrenia medication doing it as there is some crazed escaped convict. So to all you conservatives out there, shoot your mom before she has a chance to shoot you!!!!!!!!!!! :rolleyes: |
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| Cracka-X |
| quote: | Originally posted by Izzy
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his quiet English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants. |
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHahhaha |
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| melech_mike |
Wanna hear a joke...
It was 1987! At a lecture the other day they were playing an old news video of Lt.Col. Oliver North testifying at the Iran-Contra hearings during the Reagan Administration.
There was Ollie in front of God and country getting the third degree, but what he said was stunning!
He was being drilled by a senator; "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?"
Ollie replied, "Yes, I did, Sir."
The senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience, "Isn't that just a little excessive?"
"No, sir," continued Ollie.
"No? And why not?" the senator asked.
"Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir."
"Threatened? By whom?" the senator questioned.
"By a terrorist, sir" Ollie answered.
"Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?"
"His name is Osama bin Laden, sir" Ollie replied.
At this point the senator tried to repeat the name, but couldn't pronounce it, which most people back then probably couldn't. A couple of people laughed at the attempt. Then the senator continued. Why are you so afraid of this man?" the senator asked.
"Because, sir, he is the most evil person alive that I know of", Ollie answered.
http://by1fd.bay1.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?curmbox=F000000001&a=55d1b825e3a1f261cf36c01c3e3cc0cf&msg=MSG1049416256.2&start=196595&len=340302&mimepart=31
"And what do you recommend we do about him?" asked the senator.
"Well, sir, if it was up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth."
The senator disagreed with this approach, and that was all that was shown of the clip.
http://by1fd.bay1.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?curmbox=F000000001&a=55d1b825e3a1f261cf36c01c3e3cc0cf&msg=MSG1049416256.2&start=196595&len=340302&mimepart=32
By the way, that senator was Al Gore -- And this is no joke!
http://by1fd.bay1.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?curmbox=F000000001&a=55d1b825e3a1f261cf36c01c3e3cc0cf&msg=MSG1049416256.2&start=196595&len=340302&mimepart=33
Also:
Terrorist pilot Mohammad Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called "political prisoners."
However, the Israelis would not release any with blood on their hands, The American President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted" that all prisoners be released.
Thus Mohammad Atta was freed and eventually thanked the US by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified. It was censored in the US from all later reports.
http://by1fd.bay1.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?curmbox=F000000001&a=55d1b825e3a1f261cf36c01c3e3cc0cf&msg=MSG1049416256.2&start=196595&len=340302&mimepart=35 |
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| melech_mike |
The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.
When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute.
The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing machine."
"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund." |
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| melech_mike |
SOME CHICKEN HUMOUR:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
MOHAMMED ALDOURI - Iraq Ambassador
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No-one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay - isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we Boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side".
DR SUESS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. -and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
TORONTO MEDICAL OFFICER OF HEALTH:
To spread the SARS virus. :whip: |
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| melech_mike |
In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully ugly lady.
After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
The ugly lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
The American thought - "That ing Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
The Canadian thought - "I hope there is another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again."
I AM Canadian!:D |
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| melech_mike |
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush sharing their dreams with each other. Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush. "I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner." "What was on the banner?" asked Bush. "LONG LIVE SADDAM!" answered the dictator.
"I'm so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Iraq and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt with many tall, gleaming office buildings, large residential subdivisions with swimming pools in every yard; and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner."
"What did the banner say?" asked Saddam.
I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."
Hahaha; nice.
For all those propagandists, let it be clear that this is a JOKE, and not a Jewish conspiracy to take over the world...in weirdo's! |
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