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A joke as it's fcuking sh1te in here (pg. 2)
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| chojin |
| quote: | Originally posted by Blakey
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
the
Most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to. "
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be ten times richer than you.
"The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired
About her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart
attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here, go back to work and continue feeling good.
Male readers ONLY: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show you never listen! |
quality!:haha: |
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| basd |
| quote: | Originally posted by Streakfury
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Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, heck, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again...for no reason." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The brunette says, "Oh sure... but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, ....."Don't you have a vase?"
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Absolute class. |
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| willson |
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says,
“Hey...It’s dark in here.”
“Yes it is,” the man replies.
“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.
“No thanks,” the man replies.
“My dad's out there...I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues.
“OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in.
“Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies.
“TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
“Hey...It’s dark in here.”
“Yes it is,” replies the man.
“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.
“OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
“Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy’s father says ”Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”
“I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.
“How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.
“SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now.
You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says,
“Hey...It’s dark in here.”
The priest responded, “Let's not start THIS again...” |
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| willson |
Many years ago a troll roamed inside a beautiful kingdom.
The king was not happy and wanted the troll to leave. He was so desperate that he offered his beautiful daughter's hand in marriage as a reward for anybody who could rid this land of the evil troll.
The day after the king told the kingdom of this reward a knight in black armour approached the castle walls. When he arrived the guard at the drawbridge asked,
"who are you?"
to which the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
and the guard at the drawbridge let him pass. Then he reached the castle gates and a guard asked,
"who are you?"
to which the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
and the guard let him pass. The knight then went up the stone stairs to the King's room. When the knight entered the King asked,
"who are you?"
to which the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
and the king said,
"I see. I take it that you here about the troll. Well befor you do that I have two challenges for you to prove that you are strong enough to fight the troll. First I would like you to get ice from the desert."
So the knight set off end eventually met an eskimo in the desert and asked him for ice. The eskmo replied,
"Sure, but first tell me who you are"
To which the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
and the eskimo gave him the ice. The knight returned to the castle. As he approached the castle walls the guard at the drawbridge asked,
"I'm sorry but who are you again?"
to which the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
and the guard at the drawbridge let him pass.Then he reached the castle gates and a guard asked,
"I'm sorry but who are you again?"
to which the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
and the guard let him pass.The knight then went up the stone stairs to the King's room. When the knight entered the King asked,
"I'm sorry but who are you again?"
to which the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
and the king said,
"Ahh yes. I see you have completed the first task. Now, for your second task, you must get fire from the North Pole."
So the knight set off and eventually reached the North Pole and met a red indian and asked him for fire. The indian replied,
"Sure, but first tell me who you are"
So the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
The knight got the fire and returned to the castle.As he approached the castle walls the guard at the drawbridge asked,
"I'm sorry but who are you again?"
to which the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
and the guard at the drawbridge let him pass.Then he reached the castle gates and a guard asked,
"I'm sorry but who are you again?"
to which the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
and the guard let him pass.The knight then went up the stone stairs to the King's room. When the knight entered the King asked,
"I'm sorry but who are you again?"
to which the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
and the king said,
"O.K. Now it is time for you to battle the troll. You must bring me back a body part as proof."
So the knight set off to fight the troll.The fight lasted for days on end and just as the knight was going to kill the troll, the troll stopped and asked,
"I,m sorry, but could you tell me who you are?"
to which the knight replied
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
And then the knight killed the troll and cut its ear as proof. He then left to return to the castle.
As he approached the castle walls the guard at the drawbridge asked,
"I'm sorry but who are you again?"
to which the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
and the guard at the drawbridge let him pass.Then he reached the castle gates and a guard asked,
"I'm sorry but who are you again?"
to which the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
and the guard let him pass.The knight then went up the stone stairs to the King's room. When the knight entered the King asked,
"I'm sorry but who are you again?"
to which the knight replied,
"I am the old,black knight on my old,black horse"
and the king said,
"Oh yes. Right I suppose you can marry my daughter then"
The wedding took place a few days later and at the end of the ceremony the priest asked for the exchanging of the gifts. The knight reached into his pocket and pulled out the ear as his gift for the princess and handed it over and the princess said,
"What's this ear?"
('ERE) (get it?!?!)
BWAHAHAHAHAHA
it's funny coz its a waste of time..
oh wait, no its not. |
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| isoterra |
you've just:
a) told by far the worst joke ever created
b) wasted 3 minutes of my life
c) killed the thread
kudos :p |
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| MessiahProject |
Two birds on a perch,
One says....
"can you smell fish?"
2 fish in a tank,
one says....
"do you know how to steer this thing?"
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
a carrot. |
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| Chang monkey |
| A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He looks at the end of the bar and see's a large glass bowl full of fifty dollar bills. The bartender comes up and asks the guy what does he want. The guy ask the bartender what's the glass bowl for. The bartender replies "what we do here is ou put in fifty dollars in the bowl and if you can do three thing's you win the whole pot". The guy look's at the bartender and asks "can you tell what the three things are". The bartender say's "first you have to drink a fifth of tequilla without stopping" to which the guy say's no problem". The bartender then say's "the second thing is that we have a pitt bull out back and he has had this bad tooth for about a year and we have not been able to get near him to get it out". The guy looks at the bartender with some worry and say's "no problem" what's the third thing. The bartender replies "well grandma live out back in a trailor house and has not had aan orgasim in about twenty years. The gut replies "no problem" and reaches in his back pocket and takes out a fifty dollar bill and puts it in the bowl. The bartender places a fifth of tequila in front of the man, the man picks it up and drinks it all without stopping. The guy feels warm and tingly, he looks up at the bartender and ask's the bartender where is that pit bull. The bartender say's "go out the back door and he is tied up on a chain in the back". The guy stands up goes outside and a few seconds later you here the dog barking and growing the guy starts screaming his head off. About five minutes later the guy comes back in with his clothes all torn, blood caked all over his clothes and look's at the bartender and say's "Ok where's that grandma with the bad tooth". |
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| Spad |
What do you call 3 ipods?
A tripod. |
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| Spin Doctor |
| Yes! Just when I though the art of the terrible one liners was dead, messiah and spad come to the rescue! Well done. |
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| FirstBorn |
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town. "Where's the b**tard, mother f***ing manager you c*ck sucking a*se wipe?" he politely inquires to one of the waiters.
The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken f***ing manager of this bastard joint?"
"Yes sir, I am," replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".
"F**k off" replies the bloke "and where's the f***ing piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"F***ing deaf as well, are we?" yells the bloke, "You little piece of sniveling sh*t, show us your c**ting piano."
"Ahhhh!" replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job." He shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I can," says the bloke and he proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?" asks the manager.
"I want to f**k your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent!" cries the manager, "What's it called?"
The bloke answers, "I wanted a w**k over the washing machine but my balls got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I f**k you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy r*ng-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her t*ts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her beautiful bottom. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin.
Anyway it's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to wrestle with his bald headed chimp. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice "Where's that b**tard pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping jism on your shoes?".
The bloke replies "Know it? I f**king wrote it!!" |
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| KilldaDJ |
| quote: | Originally posted by FirstBorn
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town. "Where's the b**tard, mother f***ing manager you c*ck sucking a*se wipe?" he politely inquires to one of the waiters.
The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken f***ing manager of this bastard joint?"
"Yes sir, I am," replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".
"F**k off" replies the bloke "and where's the f***ing piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"F***ing deaf as well, are we?" yells the bloke, "You little piece of sniveling sh*t, show us your c**ting piano."
"Ahhhh!" replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job." He shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I can," says the bloke and he proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?" asks the manager.
"I want to f**k your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent!" cries the manager, "What's it called?"
The bloke answers, "I wanted a w**k over the washing machine but my balls got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I f**k you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy r*ng-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her t*ts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her beautiful bottom. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin.
Anyway it's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to wrestle with his bald headed chimp. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice "Where's that b**tard pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping jism on your shoes?".
The bloke replies "Know it? I f**king wrote it!!" |
ROFL thats great haha |
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| chojin |
| quote: | Originally posted by FirstBorn
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town. "Where's the b**tard, mother f***ing manager you c*ck sucking a*se wipe?" he politely inquires to one of the waiters.
The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken f***ing manager of this bastard joint?"
"Yes sir, I am," replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".
"F**k off" replies the bloke "and where's the f***ing piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"F***ing deaf as well, are we?" yells the bloke, "You little piece of sniveling sh*t, show us your c**ting piano."
"Ahhhh!" replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job." He shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I can," says the bloke and he proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?" asks the manager.
"I want to f**k your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent!" cries the manager, "What's it called?"
The bloke answers, "I wanted a w**k over the washing machine but my balls got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I f**k you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy r*ng-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her t*ts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her beautiful bottom. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin.
Anyway it's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to wrestle with his bald headed chimp. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice "Where's that b**tard pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping jism on your shoes?".
The bloke replies "Know it? I f**king wrote it!!" |
a well deserved lol at work!
we need more plz :) |
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