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A joke as it's fcuking sh1te in here
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| Luke Terry |
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, " I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE... SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Madam?
"Only when he's been drinking."
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| DJ Mikey Mike |
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed 'I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother..'
The man arched an eyebrow... Anything? he asked.
Yes, anything the blonde promised.
Well then, just follow me, said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. Come in and close the door the man said. She did.
He then said, Now get on your knees. She did.
Now take down my zipper. She did.
Now go ahead, take it out he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered, Well then............ go ahead.
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...
HELLO MUM ........................CAN YOU HEAR ME?? |
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| DJ Mikey Mike |
A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:
1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder.
He is carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels.
As she turns he smiles at her and says, "Single, eh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies "How did you guess?"
He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says
"Because you're minging" |
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| Spin Doctor |
What do you call a duck on drugs?
A quackaddict.
:( |
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| Googooly |
| quote: | Originally posted by Spin Doctor
What do you call a duck on drugs?
A quackaddict.
:( |
booooooooooo!!!! :p |
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| shades_of_gray |
| quote: | Originally posted by Luke Terry
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, " I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE... SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Madam?
"Only when he's been drinking."
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:stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue:
what do u get in you cross a penis with a potato???
a dictator
what do u call a box of fannys???
clitoris allsorts
whats the definition of a bastard???
a man who screws his wife all night long with a 3 inch dick, then kisses her goodbye in the morning with a 10 inch tongue! |
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| Chris Larkin |
What do you call a kebab that you've given away?
A doner Kebab!
If I had two goldfish, I would call them One and Two. Then if One died, I would still have Two.
Some poor BB6 inspired jokes there. |
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| Streakfury |
People often ask for an explanation of "Marketing." So, here it is:
You're a lady and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call him and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you. That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated near the center of the block and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party when a well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass. That's The Governor of California.
You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and he files a lawsuit on your behalf. That's America.
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Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, heck, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again...for no reason." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The brunette says, "Oh sure... but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, ....."Don't you have a vase?"
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
:D :D :D |
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| Ian^ |
| quote: | Originally posted by DJ Mikey Mike
A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:
1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder.
He is carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels.
As she turns he smiles at her and says, "Single, eh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies "How did you guess?"
He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says
"Because you're minging" |
:stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: |
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| Blakey |
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had
sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would
break him out of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of having sex, she turned on the
lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a cucumber.
She gets completely upset.
"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me
all of these years. You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain
the cucumber if you can explain our three kids." |
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| Blakey |
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
the
Most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to. "
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be ten times richer than you.
"The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired
About her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart
attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here, go back to work and continue feeling good.
Male readers ONLY: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show you never listen! |
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| Acton |
| quote: | Originally posted by Blakey
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
the
Most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to. "
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be ten times richer than you.
"The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired
About her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart
attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here, go back to work and continue feeling good.
Male readers ONLY: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show you never listen! |
thats awesome :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: |
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