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A joke as it's fcuking sh1te in here (pg. 4)
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| FirstBorn |
One for the older UKTA's:
The Paul Daniels magic show is being filmed live and the cameras are rolling. Unfortunately Paul Daniels has run out of magic tricks.
In a panic, Paul Daniels gets off the stage and goes out into the audience. "Does anyone know any tricks?" he asks.
A guy near the front puts up his hand. "I do", he says.
So Paul Daniels gets the man up onto the stage and asks him what equipment he needs to do his trick. "I need a chair and a piece of rope," says the bloke.
Paul Daniels fetches the man his chair and a piece of rope. "OK - off you go," says Daniels, "Do your trick."
"I also need Debbie McGee," says the bloke.
Paul Daniels goes and fetches his lovely wife Debbie McGee from backstage and presents her to the man. "Can you please do your trick now?" asks Daniels.
"OK," says the bloke and grabs Debbie McGee, rips her sequined dress off, bends her over and ties her to the chair. He then begins ing her as hard as he can.
Paul Daniels is shocked and dismayed. "Hold on - that isn't a trick!"
"I know," says the bloke, "But it's ing magic." |
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| sykadelik |
| Bastards :sadgreen: |
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| jp |
A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.
One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"
The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."
The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"
The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.
"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman
"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were jokeing then were you?"
Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact" |
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| Ian^ |
some courtesy of brother & his mate on chavs....
What do you call 3 chavs in a nova going off a cliff ?
A shame- a nova seats 4
what do you call a 30 year old chav
grandad
What do you call a chav in a locked box ?
safe
what do you call a chav in a filing cabinet ?
sorted
what do you call a chav in a box ?
Innit
prob old or , but if they are, i'll just slap him :p |
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| jp |
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! She has a grenade in her mouth!
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back
Q: How do you make a one armed blonde fall out of a tree?
A: You wave and she'll wave back
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: her brain
Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: If you go on explaining, blondes might actually get them.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at UF?
A: Too many blonde contestants were drowning.
Q: Why did the blonde want to become a vegetarian?
A: Because she loved children.
Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved. |
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| Mike_Foyle |
| quote: | Originally posted by Ian^
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-Why are Chavs like slinkies?
-They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
-How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
-Paint three stripes on it..
-What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
-One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
-What do chavs use as protection during sex?
-A bus shelter!
-How do you know Essex council chavs invented the female body?
-Because only they would be stupid enough to put a playe area next to a hole.
-How do you stop a chav from drowning?
-Take your foot off their head.
-What's the difference between a Chav girl and the Grand Old Duke of York?
-The Grand Old Duke of york only had ten thousand men...
-What did the little chav say to the big chav?
-"Can you get served?"
-What you call Chav shoved in a file cabinet and launched off a pier into the sea?
-Wet, but still Sorted
-What do you do if you run a chav over?
-Slip it into reverse just to make sure.
-What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of the river?
-A good start |
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| shades_of_gray |
| quote: | Originally posted by FirstBorn
One for the older UKTA's:
The Paul Daniels magic show is being filmed live and the cameras are rolling. Unfortunately Paul Daniels has run out of magic tricks.
In a panic, Paul Daniels gets off the stage and goes out into the audience. "Does anyone know any tricks?" he asks.
A guy near the front puts up his hand. "I do", he says.
So Paul Daniels gets the man up onto the stage and asks him what equipment he needs to do his trick. "I need a chair and a piece of rope," says the bloke.
Paul Daniels fetches the man his chair and a piece of rope. "OK - off you go," says Daniels, "Do your trick."
"I also need Debbie McGee," says the bloke.
Paul Daniels goes and fetches his lovely wife Debbie McGee from backstage and presents her to the man. "Can you please do your trick now?" asks Daniels.
"OK," says the bloke and grabs Debbie McGee, rips her sequined dress off, bends her over and ties her to the chair. He then begins ing her as hard as he can.
Paul Daniels is shocked and dismayed. "Hold on - that isn't a trick!"
"I know," says the bloke, "But it's ing magic." |
:stongue: i like it! |
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| jp |
| A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, 'The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.' The Frenchman says, 'I take ze poison.' The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, 'Vive la France!' and drinks it down. The Englishman says, 'A pistol for me, please.' The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, 'God save the queen!' and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, 'Gimme a fork.' The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, 'What are you doing???' The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, 'So much for your canoe, !' |
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| shades_of_gray |
whats the cleverist thing to have come from a womans mouth?
Einsteins Dick
Whats white and wriggles its way across a dancefloor?
Come Dancing
what do u call a lesbian with thick fingers?
well hung
what do u call a serbian prostitute?
slobberdownmecockyerbitch
How do u stop a dog from shagging your leg?
pick him up and suck his cock
Why dont gypsys wear condoms?
cos they have crystal balls and can see when there coming
what does a gynaecologist have in common with a pizza delivary man?
they both get to smell the goods but arnt aloud to eat it |
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| Fundamental |
| quote: | Originally posted by FirstBorn
"I know," says the bloke, "But it's ing magic." |
:haha: That was brilliant! |
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| shades_of_gray |
| quote: | Originally posted by jp
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, 'The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.' The Frenchman says, 'I take ze poison.' The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, 'Vive la France!' and drinks it down. The Englishman says, 'A pistol for me, please.' The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, 'God save the queen!' and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, 'Gimme a fork.' The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, 'What are you doing???' The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, 'So much for your canoe, !' |
thats ace:haha: |
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| Luke Terry |
A Young teacher asks her class if there was five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them how many will be left, she picks on little tony to answer.
he replies none miss they will all fly away with the first gunshot,
the teacher replies there will be four but i like your thinking.
little tony says i have a question for you miss, there is 3 women sitting on a bench all having a ice cream. one is delicatly licking the top, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking down the cone and the third is biting off the top of the ice cream, which one is married?
the teacher blushing quite a bit says well i suppose the one gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
to which tony replied the one wearing the wedding ring but i like your thinking !!!
Litle tony returns home from school and tells his dad he got a f in arithmetic. why? asks the father.
the teacher said what is 2x3 i replied 6
but thats right says his dad
yeah but then she asked what was 3x2?
what the's f******g difference said his dad
thats what i said replied little tony.
little tony goes to school and the teaches says right today we are gonna learn about multi- syllable words does anyone know of any?
little tony says Mas-tur-bate
the teacher smiles and says wow tony thats a mouthful
little tony says no miss your thinking of a blowjob
little tony was sitting ina class when he needed to go to the bathroom, he yelled out miss i wanna go for a p**s
no tony she said that is not the proper word to use in this situation, the correct word is urinate and say it correctly in a sentence and you can go
little tony sits and thinks a while then says miss your an eight but if you had bigger t**S you would be a ten.
the teacher asked the class to think of a sentence using the word beautiful twice first she asked alice
my father brought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it
well done said the teacher then she asked michael
my mother planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully he said.
well done said the teacher then she asked little tony
my sister at the dinner table last night told dad she was pregnant said litle tony and my dad said beautiful, just f******G beautiful.
litle tony was sat on a park bench eating some candy after the six bar the man next to him said eating all that candy is not good for you it will rot your teeth, give you acne and make you fat
little tony replied my grandad lived to be 106 years old
the man replied did he six bars of candy a day?
no said tony he minded his own f******g business
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