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The double-lifer thread (pg. 4)
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| Slylee |
| quote: | Originally posted by DigitalPhoenix
Well I can see your point Jamie:
I have 2 friends that are engaged and they both live double lifes. Problem is that when one wants to stop..the other one doesnt,
so it becomes a fight, and fingers are pointed at one point or
other placing guilt on each other.
That sucks. How do you enjoy yur double life like that???
I have someone that is not a partier, but let's me do my thang therefore she levels me out.
If we were both partiers, we'd be broke and probably bitter.
The lesson here:
The Ying and The Yang.
;) :D |
yea exactly. the only way 2 double lifers can live happily ever after is if they do it in moderation and if they are on the same page...that's rare. i always wanted to chill out, but he didn't...and if it's around (drugs and parties) then i'll give in.
people i'm not talking about lying to my husband all the time and living some secret life on a daily basis...this is strictly about drugs and being with someone who totally doesn't do them despite the fact that you have a past (and possibly a future) with them.
i dunno though i feel like we gotta grow up at some point. i sure don't want to be doing drugs when i'm an older woman. i want to have a career and be happily married...
there's no guilt...i'm just randomly thinking/typing out loud. like next year for wmc...i have no idea if i'll want to do drugs or not..but like if i do, what about my boyfriend? he totally doesn't do that stuff and wouldn't want me doing it. there's no happy medium for me on this subject. it's one extreme or the other. in the end, i think staying clean and being normal is better. that's like my idea life/marriage. not some weird big lie of a life with another double lifer. |
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| Azz3D |
| quote: | Originally posted by Slylee
people i'm not talking about lying to my husband all the time and living some secret life on a daily basis...this is strictly about drugs and being with someone who totally doesn't do them despite the fact that you have a past (and possibly a future) with them.
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and what is so wrong with telling the truth?
if he loves you and wants to be with you he'll understand |
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| Floorfiller |
| boy this thread really frustrates me haha...i need to stop reading it :p |
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| Moral Hazard |
| quote: | Originally posted by Floorfiller
you can't be selfish in marriage i'm sure you're aware...however you seem to be suggesting that we act in our own best interests when we can in secret, which i don't agree with. |
Sometimes total honesty is the most selfish thing you can do. If you know some information is going to hurt your spouse but you feel guilty about it and tell her why did you do so? Two words.... alieviate guilt. The entire reason for your honesty is to rid you of the guilt you feel. Well, this is great for you but what about your spouse? You've now exposed her to a pain and question of conscious that she really didn't need to experience. But you feel better about yourself so I suppose it's all well and good, eh?
Many times acting in your own best interest will also serve the best interests of your union. A married couple is one entity made up of two individuals that have elected to put that one entity (the family) first. However, one must recognize that there are two individuals that comprise the family and that the needs of those individuals must be served if the family's interests are to be served as well. I, for example, become intolerable if I don't get out and blow off steam via partying every so often. My wife recognizes that, I recognize that, so I go out and party on occasion. Following this I am a much better person to be around, subsequently, our marriage is stronger because of it. If my wife did not recognize this then it would be incumbnent on me to find a solution to perge my passions independently. IF that means lying to her then so be it, it's for the greater good.
FYI, realist not pecimist... anyone who knows me can attest to this |
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| Slylee |
| quote: | Originally posted by Azz3D
and what is so wrong with telling the truth?
if he loves you and wants to be with you he'll understand |
Actually, I’m not a total double lifer because if I was, then my boyfriend would not have a clue that I ever even did drugs. But I told him about my past with drugs..he knows it all. he has asked me if I ever want to do them again and I told him no and that I was done with them. At the time I meant it…I still mean it. But I’m one of those “every moment has its own truth” types. I really believe that statement. But it’s just an excuse for me to change my mind, because I’m constantly doing that. I’m wishy washy. I bet if I told him that I wanted to do drugs with my friends next year, he wouldn’t be happy with it, but he wouldn’t dump me. But to be honest, I don’t want him to see me on drugs you know? |
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| Floorfiller |
| quote: | Originally posted by Moral Hazard
Sometimes total honesty is the most selfish thing you can do. If you know some information is going to hurt your spouse but you feel guilty about it and tell her why did you do so? Two words.... alieviate guilt. The entire reason for your honesty is to rid you of the guilt you feel. Well, this is great for you but what about your spouse? You've now exposed her to a pain and question of conscious that she really didn't need to experience. But you feel better about yourself so I suppose it's all well and good, eh?
Many times acting in your own best interest will also serve the best interests of your union. A married couple is one entity made up of two individuals that have elected to put that one entity (the family) first. However, one must recognize that there are two individuals that comprise the family and that the needs of those individuals must be served if the family's interests are to be served as well. I, for example, become intolerable if I don't get out and blow off steam via partying every so often. My wife recognizes that, I recognize that, so I go out and party on occasion. Following this I am a much better person to be around, subsequently, our marriage is stronger because of it. If my wife did not recognize this then it would be incumbnent on me to find a solution to perge my passions independently. IF that means lying to her then so be it, it's for the greater good.
FYI, realist not pecimist... anyone who knows me can attest to this |
well i can understand what you're saying...but let's say you were a sexaholic and it's in your best interest to satisfy that craving...not only in your interest, but as you say the interest of the family as well...
does that mean you should go off on weekend orgies that your wife has no idea about? yes perhaps that would be in the interest of the family...until she finds out about the deception and the family is destroyed by it. in your situation where your wife is understanding of your desire to party, that's great...but at the same time the argument that its beneficial to party behind her back would be just as beneficial...i'm gonna have to disagree. i'd instead argue that if your wife wasn't understanding and accepting of the fact that you need to blow off steam partying once in a while, then perhaps you shouldn't be with that person to begin with. it would be better than hiding the action until it's revealed which would obviously cause more harm then good because of the violation of trust it implies. you say that total honesty can be the most selfish thing, but honesty will always be less hurtful and less selfish that a hidden act that is discovered... |
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| Moral Hazard |
| quote: | Originally posted by Slylee
there's no guilt...i'm just randomly thinking/typing out loud. like next year for wmc...i have no idea if i'll want to do drugs or not..but like if i do, what about my boyfriend? he totally doesn't do that stuff and wouldn't want me doing it. there's no happy medium for me on this subject. |
I know the feeling.
Oh, fyi..... you + me + all the crackheads..... we're all getting really high! There is no question here. You can leave Craig at home that night/morning/afternoon/early evening.... |
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| tribu |
Where you can't trust another dobuble-lifer, I would prefer to be with one. I would want to sometimes, but not always, share our other life together.
Lying and sneaking around with another life would only cause problems, as I would guess has been said by now. Even if you've remained sexually faithful, if your husband finds you've been on a weekend spa trip and he finds you've been in vegas doing drugs, gambling, and so on, he's going to assume the worst. |
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| Moral Hazard |
| quote: | Originally posted by Floorfiller
you say that total honesty can be the most selfish thing, but honesty will always be less hurtful and less selfish that a hidden act that is discovered... |
Perhaps, but in many cases the risk of slightly increased pain is worth the potential award of no pain. Why do people run from the police.... because the potential of getting away is worth the slightly increased punishment of failing. One must always consider if the risk if worth the reward. |
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| Floorfiller |
| quote: | Originally posted by Moral Hazard
Perhaps, but in many cases the risk of slightly increased pain is worth the potential award of no pain. Why do people run from the police.... because the potential of getting away is worth the slightly increased punishment of failing. One must always consider if the risk if worth the reward. |
well that depends on which philosophical approach you take doesn't it? wouldn't it be better to not do anything that would require you to make such a choice? |
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| kr00t0n |
You know I luv ya Jamie, but...
Needing someone on the straight and narrow to keep you in check is immature/needy.
You should be responsible for your own actions.
That said, I believe everyone should have 'me time' from their partners. Yes, sharing you lives is a wonderful thing, but losing your sense of self is not.
Relationships are not about turning 2 people into 1 person, that will lead to nothing but an ended relationship.
Be honest with him, but just don't make him feel as though he needs to be a part of that aspect of your life, explain that it is someone YOU need to do, and explain that you will still respect the relationship in all the correct ways.
If he has issues with that, then comes one of the biggest parts of relationships... compromise.
Good luck :) |
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| Moral Hazard |
| quote: | Originally posted by Floorfiller
well that depends on which philosophical approach you take doesn't it? wouldn't it be better to not do anything that would require you to make such a choice? |
Yes, however, that is not always either practical or ideal. |
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