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Life lessons: The struggle, or lack thereof (pg. 3)
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| ziptnf |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lira
Are they Latin? Either from Europe (Italian or Portuguese) or from Latin America? |
Hold on, Lira. You know where I live and what my wife looks like. Why would my brother-in-law (wife's brother) be Latin? :p Silly question!
Edit: You may perhaps mean his wife - which would be a completely legit question and I didn't think about that. No they are not latin. Just regular white people.
| quote: | Originally posted by pkcRAISTLIN
i'm assuming "LIT" is a good thing, so isn't it a bit weird to condemn them for something you would be all too happy to receive yourself? |
My wife and I had a long talk about this stuff this morning. We tried to put ourselves in their shoes, and it helped us shed a different light on the subject. So my parents paid for my college (it was in-state, so it was cheaper plus I got a mini-scholarship for staying in KY) and I have been living my life debt-free after graduation. While these two situations are similar they are far from equivalent. I would still have the same value of hard work that I do now if I had to pay back college loans, I would just be poorer.
It's important to identify the situation that these two people are in, versus me and my wife. I have been financially independent for almost 10 years and when we bought our house two years ago, we did it with money we earned. Perhaps my mortgage would be slightly higher if I still had student loans, but it would still be feasible because of our income. It definitely speaks to the pride you have in your own belongings when you obtain it yourself rather than having it given to you. I can guarantee that if me and my wife were out looking for houses, and we decided on one, and my parents offered to buy it for me, I would (believe it or not) have likely refused, because I am financially independent and I can make the purchase on my own. In my brother-in-law's situation, he did not finish his education, and he has never had a decent job where he can be financially independent. So it makes sense that when the offer is provided to him, that he accepts it.
I don't think they should have refused, nor do I think it's unusual that parents give their children money as they get older. I only feel like they have very little pressure to become self sufficient because they don't have to. I get why he bought it for them, and I get why the accepted it. But it also seems that the father is making the decisions for their family rather than my brother-in-law, and that could be problematic in the future. |
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| Silky Johnson |
Well - my husband's parents gave us the house we live in, paid for/no mortgage. I was initially against this idea for the same reasons you said. I was just so used to earning everything myself and I took pride in that. Too much pride.
Goes back to what I already said - what did I think, that because we were being offered this incredible gift I was all of the sudden going to turn into some ingrate? No, of course not - so we took the offer and moved in.
We pay the bills, taxes, and insurance, and have just as much, if not more, pride in this house and the property than as if we had sought it out and paid for it ourselves. We put a lot of work into it when we moved in, and we put a lot of love into taking care of it now.
My husband has never had to experience the utter bull I've had to get where I am/he is, but his parents still taught him the value of things, and instilled in him a sense of gratitude/appreciation for his circumstances. He would never "fail" his parents by letting this place get run into the ground or fall apart.
So, my point stands - and you speak to it yourself. These life lessons you speak of - hardships that build character - it's all based on the individual and how they were raised to begin with. It's unlikely those behaviours are suddenly going to manifest or not at this point. You can't say "Well this happened to me so this is how I deal with things" and then compare that to someone else. We don't all need the exact same experiences to develop character.
I've no doubt your brother in law is gonna be ed in the future, but that would have happened whether his FIL bought them that house or not. You feel me? |
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| Silky Johnson |
| Furthermore, what about all the utter ing morons who learn NOTHING from their hardships. Plenty of those dolts walking around out there too. |
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| ziptnf |
Yeah, I think we are all largely in agreement here.
Like PKC, I've had relatively successful parents. My dad has worked at the same place for over 30 years and has become a director in his area. I've been working since I was 14, whether it be in concession stands, lifeguarding, teaching swim lessons or programming, I've been earning an income as long as I can remember. Even when I was a little kid, I used to collect change at the pool or help put away equipment for a dollar. Despite having a safety net in my parents, I still worked hard to get my Masters and earn my own living. So when people like my brother-in-law don't complete their education, have spotty retail jobs and fall into a fantastic situation with his (longtime girlfriend, now) wife's family it makes me feel like he is getting privilege that he doesn't deserve.
He's a good guy and I wish them all the best, I hope he uses this opportunity to complete his education and get a good job in a field that he's good at. I hope the same for her. Like you said, there are plenty of people out there who learn nothing from their hardships just the same as people who squander their privilege and become lazy entitled heads. I hope they don't go down that path. |
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| pkcRAISTLIN |
| quote: | Originally posted by ziptnf
My wife and I had a long talk about this stuff this morning. We tried to put ourselves in their shoes, and it helped us shed a different light on the subject. So my parents paid for my college (it was in-state, so it was cheaper plus I got a mini-scholarship for staying in KY) and I have been living my life debt-free after graduation. While these two situations are similar they are far from equivalent. I would still have the same value of hard work that I do now if I had to pay back college loans, I would just be poorer.
It's important to identify the situation that these two people are in, versus me and my wife. I have been financially independent for almost 10 years and when we bought our house two years ago, we did it with money we earned. Perhaps my mortgage would be slightly higher if I still had student loans, but it would still be feasible because of our income. It definitely speaks to the pride you have in your own belongings when you obtain it yourself rather than having it given to you. I can guarantee that if me and my wife were out looking for houses, and we decided on one, and my parents offered to buy it for me, I would (believe it or not) have likely refused, because I am financially independent and I can make the purchase on my own. In my brother-in-law's situation, he did not finish his education, and he has never had a decent job where he can be financially independent. So it makes sense that when the offer is provided to him, that he accepts it.
I don't think they should have refused, nor do I think it's unusual that parents give their children money as they get older. I only feel like they have very little pressure to become self sufficient because they don't have to. I get why he bought it for them, and I get why the accepted it. But it also seems that the father is making the decisions for their family rather than my brother-in-law, and that could be problematic in the future. |
good reply and perfectly reasonable. however, i wouldn't be turning down my turn with the free house fairy! ;) |
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| Lira |
| quote: | Originally posted by ziptnf
Edit: You may perhaps mean his wife - which would be a completely legit question and I didn't think about that. No they are not latin. Just regular white people. |
Haha, yeah, that's what I had in mind, I know you're Nickese. Or a Nickian. Or whatever place the Nicks come from :p |
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| ziptnf |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lira
Haha, yeah, that's what I had in mind, I know you're Nickese. Or a Nickian. Or whatever place the Nicks come from :p |
They call us Nickas. Don't say that out in public though. |
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| Lira |
| It's cool, it's your word, right? I read that about American culture, and your word is safe with me, my Nicka! |
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| Silky Johnson |
I often think about how stupid I was to let pride rule my thoughts about accepting a paid for house. Like wtf. Any time I plan a trip or vacation, go out for nice dinners or to shows/concerts/events, drop some extra cash into an investment fund, etc. - without having to stress about "How am I going to afford this?" I say to myself "Imagine if you had a mortgage to pay?"
Now, it helps of course that I am not a fool with my money (never have been) but I see other people struggling to just enjoy their life in even the simplest of ways, because they have debt or money issues. People living and working just to pay bills and stay afloat, with little room to do much else. .
I am very conscious and appreciative of the fact that I rarely, if ever, have to say no to opportunities to pick up and do something/go somewhere/experience something fun, new, or different. Not having a mortgage is a huge contributing factor in that! |
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| planetaryplayer |
| If my siblings had a house gifted to them I'd hold their kids hostage for ransom |
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| Lira |
| quote: | Originally posted by planetaryplayer
If my siblings had a house gifted to them I'd hold their kids hostage for ransom |
:stongue: |
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| SYSTEM-J |
| quote: | Originally posted by Silky Johnson
These life lessons you speak of - hardships that build character - it's all based on the individual and how they were raised to begin with. It's unlikely those behaviours are suddenly going to manifest or not at this point. |
I'm not sure I totally agree with that. My mindset changed a lot in my early 20s when I started living with no support from my parents and went through a period of being dirt-poor. Up until that point I was pretty indolent and not career-driven at all, although always good with money. Being poor as totally reconfigured my attitude towards working hard.
It does sound like Nick's in-laws don't have much going on job wise, and being given everything up-front isn't exactly going to spur them on. |
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