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Getting older and losing friends (pg. 2)
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| Lira |
| quote: | Originally posted by SYSTEM-J
Well I don't. And I thought I was past the age where I had to get myself out there and take part in things I didn't really care about to try and meet new people. |
That's exactly the point, isn't there anything you care about that may help you meet new people?
Far be it from me to say you should go to church if you don't believe in anything they preach, nor should you do crossfit if you'd rather kick up your heels and stay at home chilling or work out on your own. But, isn't there anything (at all) you like and that could you help meet new people, and you feel you're running out of "physically available friends", then why not?
Maybe it's a Brazilian thing, but if you take the bus/train/underground every single day at the same time, don't you befriend the other commuters?
| quote: | Originally posted by SYSTEM-J
I was hoping that my 30s would be doing the stuff I genuinely care about with people I care about (not that I'm in my 30s yet). Perhaps that was just a naive sweet spot of my late 20s. |
And you can do just that! After I turned 30, I developed a deep arsedlessness regarding events I don't care about with people I'd rather not meet at all. All I mean is that, in a place like Leeds, odds are you can find loads of people with similar interests. If you do the things you like, you'll eventually meet these people :) |
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| ziptnf |
| quote: | Originally posted by Silky Johnson
Now that we're starting a family, we've actually been considering joining a church (I was quite surprised when I mentioned the idea to my husband and he said he'd already been thinking about it himself). It's just such a nice thing to be part of, to be connected with others in the community and, as I said, to look out for others (outside of just family) and have them look out for you. The world (at least my part of the world) is only becoming more and more of a self centered "me first/ you" place - I think society could use social groups like church now more than ever. Especially since many churches nowadays are more progressive and not just focused on all the GOD SATAN HEAVEN HELL SIN REPENT . |
Maybe that's the case in Canada, but the United States church meta is literally revolved around the conservative political platform, to the point where preachers abandon traditional Christian teachings for right-wing ideals and stump speeches for politicians. God Hates Fags, All Lives Matter, Trump will MAGA, etc. It's only worth joining a church in the US if you align yourself with the Republican political spectrum. There are probably some exceptions, as I have a few friends who are Christians but not bigoted/pro-Trump, but the rule is most definitely not that.
As to the subject of the thread, I agree with most of the posters already that it's a general shift in the times where it's easier to keep in touch with your friends and neighbors through social media than to meet in person frequently. My friends and I have made concerted efforts to have get-togethers at our homes once every few months, and we also try to meet up for various things like movies/karaoke/pool/drinks.
However, my wife is in a different predicament altogether. Like Jack, she is separated from a majority of her friends after having moved to live with me. It's difficult for her to make friends outside of work because she is not really involved in any kind of community or organization. It definitely takes a toll on you personally when you are not able to meet friends as easily as you used to. Unfortunately that seems to be a part of life now, you meet friends in high school/college/university/work and everyone grows up, moves away, and starts families.
If I were to make a suggestion, I would suggest searching for something like Table Top Board Game communities/groups, or an athletic group. Earlier this year I started swimming in the morning with a Masters team and they are a bunch of great people. We don't hang out frequently but it's still nice to see them a few times a week. Perhaps you can start with a small group. Go out of your comfort zone and put in the effort and see if it pays off. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work out though, I tried joining a Trivia group with a local social club and the main lady was a complete bitch. You'll figure it out! |
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| Lira |
| quote: | Originally posted by Silky Johnson
But then I realized the relationship of these two was probably a connection through church, and I thought "How lovely these two women have a connection to share, and a community to share it in (especially the old bird)." The lord/church stuff was really inconsequential.
And I got to thinking about the erosion of community in recent times, and how neighbourly behaviour doesn't really exist in the same way it used to - people don't give much of a about each other or look out for each other, or take care of each other and hold each other accountable to one another. Something that I know belonging to a community like a church, especially, provides people with. I work with some nurses and doctors who all go to the same united church, and they are very involved with the community, helping others and such. I think that's lovely. |
Exactly!
That's why I mentioned the children of immigrants in my post. Or I could've mentioned the Air Force, where my dad worked for most of his life. It's not the faith that matters, as these people don't share the same religious beliefs. It is the values they share that works as a social bond, and belonging to group like these comes with quite a few advantages, as you said.
Are there downsides? A few, but you can always try to look for a middle ground until you reach the sweet spot.
| quote: | Originally posted by Silky Johnson
Now that we're starting a family, we've actually been considering joining a church (I was quite surprised when I mentioned the idea to my husband and he said he'd already been thinking about it himself). It's just such a nice thing to be part of, to be connected with others in the community and, as I said, to look out for others (outside of just family) and have them look out for you. The world (at least my part of the world) is only becoming more and more of a self centered "me first/ you" place - I think society could use social groups like church now more than ever. Especially since many churches nowadays are more progressive and not just focused on all the GOD SATAN HEAVEN HELL SIN REPENT . |
True that. I'm not exactly a fan of churches, but I attended mass last Saturday (long story), and the priest was actually talking about Pope Francis' more progressive stance about LGBT groups and whatnot.
I seriously did not see that coming. |
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| Silky Johnson |
| quote: | Originally posted by ziptnf
Maybe that's the case in Canada, but the United States church meta is literally revolved around the conservative political platform, to the point where preachers abandon traditional Christian teachings for right-wing ideals and stump speeches for politicians. God Hates Fags, All Lives Matter, Trump will MAGA, etc. It's only worth joining a church in the US if you align yourself with the Republican political spectrum. There are probably some exceptions, as I have a few friends who are Christians but not bigoted/pro-Trump, but the rule is most definitely not that.
As to the subject of the thread, I agree with most of the posters already that it's a general shift in the times where it's easier to keep in touch with your friends and neighbors through social media than to meet in person frequently. My friends and I have made concerted efforts to have get-togethers at our homes once every few months, and we also try to meet up for various things like movies/karaoke/pool/drinks.
However, my wife is in a different predicament altogether. Like Jack, she is separated from a majority of her friends after having moved to live with me. It's difficult for her to make friends outside of work because she is not really involved in any kind of community or organization. It definitely takes a toll on you personally when you are not able to meet friends as easily as you used to. Unfortunately that seems to be a part of life now, you meet friends in high school/college/university/work and everyone grows up, moves away, and starts families.
If I were to make a suggestion, I would suggest searching for something like Table Top Board Game communities/groups, or an athletic group. Earlier this year I started swimming in the morning with a Masters team and they are a bunch of great people. We don't hang out frequently but it's still nice to see them a few times a week. Perhaps you can start with a small group. Go out of your comfort zone and put in the effort and see if it pays off. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work out though, I tried joining a Trivia group with a local social club and the main lady was a complete bitch. You'll figure it out! |
Lol, The US is such a ing hell hole. |
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| Lira |
| quote: | Originally posted by ziptnf
Maybe that's the case in Canada, but the United States church meta is literally revolved around the conservative political platform, to the point where preachers abandon traditional Christian teachings for right-wing ideals and stump speeches for politicians. |
Now, I'm not there, and I realise it's a bit weird for a foreigner to say this, but have you checked the Religious Landscape Study by Pew Research?
70% of (American) Catholics believe homosexuality should be accepted, for example, though they're laggards when it comes to accepting climate change. Orthodox Christian lean quite heavily Democrat (44%), although I don't think they're numerous and easy to find.
So, although there are quite a few nutters in churches (and they're known all over the world), aren't religious Americans a diverse group? |
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| ziptnf |
| It's not quite that simple, to take statistics from polls where church goers are interviewed on the phone or in private. There is a systematic application of GOP policies starting from the government and trickling down to the voting population by means of politically charged church sermons. I'm not saying that they are all as extreme as "God Hates Fags" Westboro Baptist Church s, but they have been politically influenced by the preachers that speak to them every Sunday. These were the same preachers who hammered it into their heads that Hillary Clinton was an evil criminal who wanted to ruin their lives. You'd be surprised how emotionally malleable uneducated white southerners are. |
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| OrangestO |
I haven't read it yet, but judging by your posts, some of you might be interested in giving this one a go.
https://www.amazon.com/Tribe-Homeco...r/dp/1455566381
| quote: | There are ancient tribal human behaviors-loyalty, inter-reliance, cooperation-that flare up in communities during times of turmoil and suffering. These are the very same behaviors that typify good soldiering and foster a sense of belonging among troops, whether they’re fighting on the front lines or engaged in non-combat activities away from the action. Drawing from history, psychology, and anthropology, bestselling author Sebastian Junger shows us just how at odds the structure of modern society is with our tribal instincts, arguing that the difficulties many veterans face upon returning home from war do not stem entirely from the trauma they’ve suffered, but also from the individualist societies they must reintegrate into.
A 2011 study by the Canadian Forces and Statistics Canada reveals that 78 percent of military suicides from 1972 to the end of 2006 involved veterans. Though these numbers present an implicit call to action, the government is only just taking steps now to address the problems veterans face when they return home. But can the government ever truly eliminate the challenges faced by returning veterans? Or is the problem deeper, woven into the very fabric of our modern existence? Perhaps our circumstances are not so bleak, and simply understanding that beneath our modern guises we all belong to one tribe or another would help us face not just the problems of our nation but of our individual lives as well. |
Jenny is definitely onto something about the community of church and the comradery people feel because of it.
Comradery is one hell of a good feeling. I felt it in the military, and I have felt it during my travels among the indigenous people whom I've met. In both cases, you might not have much, but you have each other. And that seems to mean more than anything else, especially when you're relying on one another to survive. I guess this book will address that.
I have many new friends around the world who return to their city lives and absolutely hate it because they've experienced this comradery. And they don't get that back 'at home' where all their friends are busy in the rat race, moving away, etc. I mean, how ing good does it feel when a large group of friends chips in to cook dinner, sits around the table together to eat and everyone helps to clean. In my own personal search for home and contentment in life, I want to be a part of that way of life. I never had that even within my own family, except for sporadic holiday occasions. And those moments stand out as some of my happiest. I just can't see myself returning to the individualistic and isolated way of life in the States again. |
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| Ted Promo |
| quote: | Originally posted by Jon_Snow
Teachers do like to talk though. I could expound precipitously on the subject but I'm on my phone. |
I will wait for your input. |
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| ziptnf |
| quote: | Originally posted by OrangestO
I have many new friends around the world who return to their city lives and absolutely hate it because they've experienced this comradery. And they don't get that back 'at home' where all their friends are busy in the rat race, moving away, etc. I mean, how ing good does it feel when a large group of friends chips in to cook dinner, sits around the table together to eat and everyone helps to clean. In my own personal search for home and contentment in life, I want to be a part of that way of life. I never had that even within my own family, except for sporadic holiday occasions. And those moments stand out as some of my happiest. I just can't see myself returning to the individualistic and isolated way of life in the States again. |
Perhaps I'm reading it wrong, but it seems like you are implying that these things are mutually exclusive; that people who live "back home" cannot develop camaraderie or cook dinner together with friends. Your own bad experiences in your home state/city/town likely don't set the standard for everyone living there. Odds are good there are many groups of people living in your hometown who share friendships without the negative viewpoint that you have. |
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| OrangestO |
| quote: | Originally posted by ziptnf
Perhaps I'm reading it wrong, but it seems like you are implying that these things are mutually exclusive; that people who live "back home" cannot develop camaraderie or cook dinner together with friends. Your own bad experiences in your home state/city/town likely don't set the standard for everyone living there. Odds are good there are many groups of people living in your hometown who share friendships without the negative viewpoint that you have. |
Comradery (which ing spelling is it? lol) comes in different forms, I guess. And there's no deeper kind than when you have to depend on one another to survive - literally. I used the 'cooking dinner with friends' example to illustrate just how good it feels to be together with people working toward a common goal. Friends in the States do that for each other for Super Bowl parties. Now imagine doing that - like troops on the battlefield and indigenous people in their tribal communities - as a means of survival. There's a difference, no? The friends I'm referring to got a taste of that in the places I met them. |
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| SYSTEM-J |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lira
That's exactly the point, isn't there anything you care about that may help you meet new people?
Far be it from me to say you should go to church if you don't believe in anything they preach, nor should you do crossfit if you'd rather kick up your heels and stay at home chilling or work out on your own. But, isn't there anything (at all) you like and that could you help meet new people, and you feel you're running out of "physically available friends", then why not?
Maybe it's a Brazilian thing, but if you take the bus/train/underground every single day at the same time, don't you befriend the other commuters? |
I'm not a complete idiot, Marcus. I know what I could do to potentially meet like-minded people. But your relentless cheeriness misses the point.
By this stage of life, my circle of friends has been refined and purified. The people I'm friends with know are the kind of friends where you can sit up all night in a room talking, with no other source of entertainment, and never get bored before the sun comes in over the curtains. There have been plenty of other friends who've come and gone along the way, decent mates who ultimately I didn't connect with that well. I could make some more of those, if I went and joined a sewing circle, or some . But proper friends are hard to come by.
I mean, I take plenty of drugs. And on a night out when you're PLUR'd up, you make loads of instant best mates. That's the most open and friendly you and everyone else will ever be. But although I've chatted to countless randomers and ended up at other people's places or had other people all back to mine until well into the next afternoon, there's only ever been a single occasion where one of those encounters turned into a lasting connection. And I got three really good mates out of it in one go. You can't plan that. And at age 29, with a more serious job that tires me out, with pastimes and pre-occupations that fill my free time, the prospect of going out there and grinding away in search of potential friends is a lot more difficult than when I was 23. |
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| ziptnf |
| quote: | Originally posted by OrangestO
Comradery (which ing spelling is it? lol) comes in different forms, I guess. And there's no deeper kind than when you have to depend on one another to survive - literally. I used the 'cooking dinner with friends' example to illustrate just how good it feels to be together with people working toward a common goal. Friends in the States do that for each other for Super Bowl parties. Now imagine doing that - like troops on the battlefield and indigenous people in their tribal communities - as a means of survival. There's a difference, no? The friends I'm referring to got a taste of that in the places I met them. |
Yeah, that wasn't as clear in your first post. To me it seemed like you were implying that people couldn't experience "true" camaraderie (correct spelling) if they stayed home instead of traveling or being deployed. In reality it's different for everyone. I'm happy in my hometown but one of my single friends is having somewhat of a quarter life crisis where he hates his job and his surroundings so he's buying a one way ticket to Southeast Asia to "find himself" or something. Maybe it will give him perspective on the comforts of living at home or maybe it will give him the drive to continue traveling and exploring the world. |
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