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another joke thread (pg. 11)
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| Omega_M |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lira
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, " I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE... SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Madam?
"Only when he's been drinking." |
man, that joke was funny. :stongue: |
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| Omega_M |
A bunch of math jokes
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There are 10 sorts of people in this world - those who understand binary and those who don't.
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A constant function and an exponential e^x are walking down the street. Up ahead, they see a differential operator coming their way. The constant function says, "Oh man, I gotta run. That's a differential operator and it can turn me into nothing." The constant function runs away, but not the exponential function. Unafraid, it walks right up to the differential operator and says, "Hello there, differential operator, pleased to meet you" The differential operator says, I'm d/dz."
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A large diplomatic delegation from Poland gets on a plane to go to a UN conference. The plane takes off normally, and everything seems fine during takeoff. Five minutes into the flight, however, the plane starts flying erratically, inverts, and crashes killing everyone onboard. The investigators analyzing the crash are dumbfounded since everything seemed to be in order with the aircraft. Eventually, they bring the problem to a contol engineer who immediately recognizes the problem: "It's simple really... you had poles in the right half of the plane!" |
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| Lira |
| quote: | Originally posted by Omega_M
A bunch of math jokes |
Now a mother joke :D
25 Reasons I Owe my mother (or father)
- My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
- My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
- My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
- My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
- My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
- My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
- My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
- My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
- My mot her taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
- My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
- My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
- My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
- My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
- My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
- My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
- My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
- My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
- My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
- My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
- My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
- My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
- My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
- My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
- My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
- And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
So true :D |
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| Miss Julia |
I heard this on the Tom Likas show on my drive home from work today...
There are two tampons walking down the street. One of them is scented, the other is unscented. Which one is most likely to talk to you?
Neither, cuz they're both stuck up bitches. :stongue: |
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| d_bag |
Three guys go into a bar..
Something happens..
And the outcome was hilarious
-Bill Bailey |
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| everett |
| quote: | Originally posted by occrider
Or the definition of something that sounds similar. |
dynamic friction in that case ;) |
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| everett |
| quote: | Originally posted by Omega_M
A constant function and an exponential e^x are walking down the street. Up ahead, they see a differential operator coming their way. The constant function says, "Oh man, I gotta run. That's a differential operator and it can turn me into nothing." The constant function runs away, but not the exponential function. Unafraid, it walks right up to the differential operator and says, "Hello there, differential operator, pleased to meet you" The differential operator says, I'm d/dz."
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Definately my favorite math joke, I actually laughed :nervous: |
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| babyvsrhino |
| quote: | Originally posted by Omega_M
There are 10 sorts of people in this world - those who understand binary and those who don't. |
I love this joke. |
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| DJ Mikey Mike |
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
"Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
*GROAN* |
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| Dervish |
| quote: | Originally posted by bas
A man is pulled over for speeding and the officer approaches the window.
cop: "license and registration please"
man: "ok officer...what seems to be the problem?"
c: "well i clocked you going 80 in a 65, that's speeding"
m: "hmm that's fair I suppose, just don't look in the trunk"
c: "why's that?"
m: "that's where I put my dead bodies"
The officer arrests the man and immediately calls for backup while remaining on the scene. The officer's backup approaches and looks in the trunk. Finding nothing they return to the man.
backup: "sir there's nothing in your trunk."
m: "i know, that guy's a liar! he probably said i was speeding too!" |
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA my fav joke so far!!!!!!! :p |
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| Omega_M |
| quote: | Originally posted by Omega_M
A large diplomatic delegation from Poland gets on a plane to go to a UN conference. The plane takes off normally, and everything seems fine during takeoff. Five minutes into the flight, however, the plane starts flying erratically, inverts, and crashes killing everyone onboard. The investigators analyzing the crash are dumbfounded since everything seemed to be in order with the aircraft. Eventually, they bring the problem to a control engineer who immediately recognizes the problem: "It's simple really... you had poles in the right half of the plane!" |
This joke needs a little bit of background in pole-zero plots, complex plane and stability analysis. If the poles of a system are located on the right hand side of the imaginary axis, the system becomes unstable. |
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| Sunsnail |
| makes more sense now... |
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