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another joke thread (pg. 7)
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| DJ Mikey Mike |
A guy comes home from work early one day to find his girlfriend packing up her things.
"What's going on here?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you," she responds. "I heard you're a paedophile."
"Oooooh, paedophile," says the guy. "That's a big word for a 5-year-old!" |
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| Lira |
A man was just coming out of anaesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful?'" she asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
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Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the
other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend,
"You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon
another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could
you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that
thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or
the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked
at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
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George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," the President said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."
"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President.
"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a Great Loss..."
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Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and start studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and she was shocked, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.
Well, then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?
Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.
| quote: | Originally posted by occrider
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, weeping.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?" |
:stongue: |
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| RapidFire |
| quote: | Originally posted by DJ Mikey Mike
A guy comes home from work early one day to find his girlfriend packing up her things.
"What's going on here?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you," she responds. "I heard you're a paedophile."
"Oooooh, paedophile," says the guy. "That's a big word for a 5-year-old!" |
:stongue: |
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| Lira |
A teacher was giving a lesson in sex education to her fourth grade class. After showing a brief film and reading the lesson, she asked if anyone had any questions.
One little boy held up his hand shyly. "Teacher, I have a boy dog and he jumps over the fence and wrestles with this girl dog and she has puppies. Is this sex?"
"Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.
A little girl raised her hand. "Teacher, I have a girl cat and there's a boy cat that jumps on her out in the yard and they wrestle. Then she has kittens. Is that sex?"
"Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.
Little Johnny then raised his hand. "Teacher, the other night I saw a movie where three guys wrestled with Sylvester Stallone. Is that sex?"
"No, that was not sex," the teacher replied.
"Good," Little Johnny replied. "I always thought it would take more than three guys to screw Sylvester Stallone."
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger , you'd be a ten!!!"
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A man took his St. Bernard to the vet and said to the vet: "my dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up by its ears & has a good look at it's yes.
"Well" says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man incredulously.
"No," the vet answers, "because he's very heavy."
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Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. As the game is getting ready to start, Bill stands up, picks up Hillary, and throws her out onto the field.
When he sits down, his chief advisor leans over and says, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you have to throw out the first pitch."
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A female police officer pulled over a man for DUI; and said, "You are under arrest. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The drunk appeared to be thinking for a moment. He then slowly announced, "."
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A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the Warden
'Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?" |
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| Omega_Blue |
| quote: | Originally posted by occrider
A few other perrenial favorites that I'm sure a few of you have heard:
Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing. You've already told that bitch twice.
Q: What's better than winning the special olympics?
A: Not being retarded.
Q: What's the best part of a blowjob?
A: The 10 minutes of silence.
Q: What does old lady vagina taste like?
A: Depends.
My favorite stupid joke:
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
And this is a geeky one I like:
Q: Two cats are on a sloping roof, and they beging to slide off. Which one falls off first?
A: The one with the smallest mew. |
:stongue: |
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| occrider |
| Does anyone get the geeky one? Took me a while to figure it out ... |
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| Slylee |
| quote: | Originally posted by DJ Mikey Mike
A guy comes home from work early one day to find his girlfriend packing up her things.
"What's going on here?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you," she responds. "I heard you're a paedophile."
"Oooooh, paedophile," says the guy. "That's a big word for a 5-year-old!" |
hahah |
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| Slylee |
| quote: | Originally posted by occrider
Does anyone get the geeky one? Took me a while to figure it out ... |
does it have to do with the actual definition of a "mew" lol |
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| occrider |
| quote: | Originally posted by Slylee
does it have to do with the actual definition of a "mew" lol |
Or the definition of something that sounds similar. |
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| djmaxima |
| quote: | Originally posted by occrider
Oh please. That wasn't even that bad. These are probably the most racist jokes I've heard:
Q: What do you call a black priest?
A: Holy
Q: How do you stop black kids from jumping up and down on their beds?
A: Put velcro on the ceiling.
Q: How do you starve a black guy?
A: Hide his foodstamps in his work boots.
Q: How do you get a black guy out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Yea I'm not sure which one is the worst, so I try to tell them all at cocktail parties. |
omg i love these :haha: |
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| [N]ûk|êû[Z] |
whats the best thing about shagging twenty-eight year olds?
theres twenty of them |
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| Psy-T |
| quote: | Originally posted by [N]�k|ê�[Z]
whats the best thing about shagging twenty-eight year olds?
theres twenty of them |
lol |
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