In the last month, two of my friends have abruptly moved away from the city where I live, one of them my best friend who I would generally see at least once a week. And with that, I'm suddenly aware that my pool of friends has slowly been diminishing over the last years until now hardly anyone is left. It's not that I've fell out with anyone, but most of them have simply moved away - to Japan, to Scotland, to other cities around the country. Other people who already lived further away but I would see semi-regularly are now married, or have children, or have just drifted away.
Is this just an inevitable part of getting older? I've read a few articles about how middle aged men in particular can lose contact with all their friends and end up very lonely. I've been in a relationship for four years now, and once you're safely locked in like that, the impetus to go out and meet new people naturally diminishes. Once your existing friends start melting away, you can find your social pool diminishing rapidly.
Mr.Mystery
Yep, this pretty much happens to everyone. I just realized I haven't met the group I used to go clubbing with in years. Then again I was never really that social of a person.
I've been trying to set up a meeting with my best friend who I've known since first grade for months now, but our schedules just never seem to match up. Nowadays we're lucky to be able to meet once or twice a year. It's just a part of being an adult.
Lira
So here's me being a contrarian and saying "nah" :p
"Peak loneliness" seems to be reached at 35 (and this research is mostly about Britons), but I can't say it's bothered me because there is an easy way to circumvent this problem.
As you said, there's a tendency to "lose friends" over time because they tend to move elsewhere or just get swamped in their jobs. However, if you belong to an institution, such as a church, there are always new people you tend to bond with. And, it doesn't have to be an actual religious institution. Crossfit apparently does something similar. In my case, I've made quite a few acquaintances in a group of (grand)children of Japanese immigrants, so when a friend is no longer around, I eventually befriend a friend of this friend who already happened to be an acquaintance. Thus, my circle of friends keeps changing, but I'm not sure I can say it's shrinking.
Sykonee
I'd say I only have one Friend, in the traditional sense of someone I can call up and do with.
But I still maintain social circles with groups of people that bonded over activities in the past, occasionally seeing them when we can align our respective schedules (clubbing group; basketball group; festival group, way-retro high-school group). We might have been friends in the past, but they're more like 'associates with shared interests' these days. Like, I doubt any of them would beckon the call if I needed to move furniture.
This is apparently what's constituted as 'normal bachelor-male adulting'.
Lira
quote:
Originally posted by Sykonee
Friend, in the traditional sense
And then there's this. What is a friend? Also, you can keep repeating the word friend for so long until it becomes this:
:p
pkcRAISTLIN
quote:
Originally posted by SYSTEM-J
Is this just an inevitable part of getting older?
pretty much.
quote:
Originally posted by SYSTEM-J
I've read a few articles about how middle aged men in particular can lose contact with all their friends and end up very lonely.
yeah it can be extra tough on males, for whatever reason we suck. i also think we tend to struggle with making new social contacts after a certain age. i can't think of a (good) friend i've made in the last 15 years or so that i didn't meet through work.
however, i think all of these issues are less significant now than in recent generations, thanks to social media. it's effortless to keep in touch these days and i think males entering their 30s today will have brought more friends along with them than their fathers.
Silky Johnson
Ahhh, I have so much to say about this topic - especially touching on Lira's post.
But eh.
Jon_Snow
I'm still wait'in on a male pattern baldness or enlarged prostate thread.
Lira
quote:
Originally posted by Silky Johnson
Ahhh, I have so much to say about this topic - especially touching on Lira's post.
I mean, what fun is a monologue? I posted that hoping it would spark a debate :p
SYSTEM-J
quote:
Originally posted by Lira
However, if you belong to an institution, such as a church, there are always new people you tend to bond with.
Well I don't. And I thought I was past the age where I had to get myself out there and take part in things I didn't really care about to try and meet new people. I was hoping that my 30s would be doing the stuff I genuinely care about with people I care about (not that I'm in my 30s yet). Perhaps that was just a naive sweet spot of my late 20s.
Jon_Snow
Teachers do like to talk though. I could expound precipitously on the subject but I'm on my phone.
Silky Johnson
Ok fine, I'll speak to just your post then.
A while back we were out for Sunday breakfast, and at the next table was a young woman and much older woman. I assumed it was a grandmother/daughter relationship. We could overhear their entire conversation. The young woman was going on about her and her husband's troubles getting pregnant, and kept saying "I trust in the lord's plan for us." 'The lord' this and 'the lord' that.
At first I rolled my eyes to myself and thought "Oh brother, stupid fool..the lord ain't in control of ."
But then I realized the relationship of these two was probably a connection through church, and I thought "How lovely these two women have a connection to share, and a community to share it in (especially the old bird)." The lord/church stuff was really inconsequential.
And I got to thinking about the erosion of community in recent times, and how neighbourly behaviour doesn't really exist in the same way it used to - people don't give much of a about each other or look out for each other, or take care of each other and hold each other accountable to one another. Something that I know belonging to a community like a church, especially, provides people with. I work with some nurses and doctors who all go to the same united church, and they are very involved with the community, helping others and such. I think that's lovely.
Now that we're starting a family, we've actually been considering joining a church (I was quite surprised when I mentioned the idea to my husband and he said he'd already been thinking about it himself). It's just such a nice thing to be part of, to be connected with others in the community and, as I said, to look out for others (outside of just family) and have them look out for you. The world (at least my part of the world) is only becoming more and more of a self centered "me first/ you" place - I think society could use social groups like church now more than ever. Especially since many churches nowadays are more progressive and not just focused on all the GOD SATAN HEAVEN HELL SIN REPENT .
